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HOLLOWEEN

11.8.20

11.8.20

Happy, happy Sunday. There are 58 days until the Georgia Senate run-off elections. The world cheers the retirement of a tyrant, the outgoing president golfs and whines while COVID runs rampant and Joe and Kamala get to work.

Note: Well hello there, gorgeous people who saved America. How's your weekend going? Yeah, ours is pretty fucking awesome too. But we do have to cop to something. You know that scene in "Old School" where Will Ferrell announces to the whole party "We're going streaking!" and then a minute later you see him running down the street nude and by himself? Well that was us Friday, figuratively and more literally than we want to admit. We just knew when we saw the vote count total flip in Pennsylvania that this thing was over, and we couldn't wait another second to start celebrating. We figure that premature exuberance that, let's be honest wasn't that premature, probably left y'all in one of two camps. 1. You, like us, felt like it was over mathematically and you enjoyed our Holy Shit We Did It attitude and celebratory edition before taking off your pants and hitting the streets while everyone else was doing their normal Friday work. Or 2. You were one of the people doing their normal Friday work and you weren't gonna believe shit until the networks called it because you've been hurt before and you spent two days hating our premature sexy fucking guts and cussing our mothers because we maybe jinxed something really important and doomed the world with our eagerness. Well, whichever camp you're in, it's time for us to come together in the spirit of TBS unity. That just means y'all stop being mad at us if you are and we get back to celebrating our fucking asses off. 

Note two: Can we talk for a second about Rudy and Corey Lewandowski's event at the Four Seasons? We were so busy partying until we couldn't feel our faces that we almost didn't notice the pathetic Trump campaign coming to an end in a parking lot between a crematorium and an adult book store. One of them is ready for Rudy, and the other is ready for him to leave. Seriously. You just know that when that pathetic stunt ended, Rudy started untucking his shirt and walking toward the adult book store and he was like hey fellas I think I forgot something back there you guys go ahead and I'll catch up and the adult book store employees were like ewww gross we just remembered we have to close and go to lunch or something and you should go catch up with your friends and Corey and then Rudy was like you guys know Corey and they were like yeah he comes in once a week and pays us $50 to call him White House chief of staff while paddling him and pouring dog urine all over him and then Rudy was like sonofabitch I've been paying $75 and drinking the dog piss and then the adult bookstore was like sorry we're not accepting new patients. And scene. More: The Daily Beast

Note three: We're downright fucking giddy and more than a little sleep deprived, so yeah TBS is a little weird today.

Note four: Kamala wore suffragette white. Excuse us, it's still somehow dusty as hell in here and we've got something in our eyes.

Note five: Your emails about how y'all are celebrating this awesomeness made us cry too. But from laughter. A shocking number of you have Trump pinatas. Or had Trump pinatas. A lot of you like tequila. Some of you like Moon Rocks. And all of you love America. We were so grateful to y'all for sharing. It enhanced our celebrations, which are going to continue today as soon as we publish TBS. We're already shirtless.

Note six: Just when we didn't think yesterday could get any better, we got pictures of Trump leaving his golf course and driving by people telling him to pack his shit and get the fuck out of the White House. More: Buzzfeed News

Note seven: WaPo breaks down just how historically unpopular the big orange assface really is. More: Washington Post

Note eight: This ABC story about how Trumpland is trying to fight the inevitable is hilarious. People are prank calling the fraud hotline they set up, and we just think that's the coolest thing we've ever heard. Sounds like something we would do. Sounds like something y'all would do. And if y'all did do it, we salute you. More: ABC News

Note nine: Three of the sexiest words we read yesterday were "vulnerable to prosecution." More: USA Today

Note 10: Who's ready for a FLOTUS who does care and doesn't hate Christmas or children? More: USA Today

Note 11: We're partying today. But as y'all saw from the opening, we've got work to do in Georgia. This is a true story. We googled "how many days are there to the 2022 midterms," and we seem to have broken google. It just didn't do anything. We get it, google. We'll chill for a minute. But just a minute. And while you're reading, check out this story about the power of the vote for a Black voter in Georgia. More: The Daily Beast, AJC, Washington Post

Note 12: Did Q drive Trump's turnout numbers? Well yeah, probably. More: New York Times

Note 13: Oh btw, there's another COVID outbreak at the White House. We're gonna have to sandblast that fucking place before it's safe for Joe and Kamala. More: Washington Post

Note 14: Kamala made history, y'all. We've been sobbing about it for like 48 hours, but it just hasn't really sunk in yet. More: NPR

Note 15: And she wasn't alone… More: CBS News

Note 16: Ok that's enough notes. We've got shit to do, our glitter is starting to clump and our crystal meth is getting cold. Don't worry. It's not sad oh-no-the--president-is-going-to-kill-us-all meth. It's yay-we-did-it meth. There is a difference, but it's subtle. Obviously we're mostly kidding, but goddamn what a special weekend. We've laughed, we've cried, we've woohooed like we haven't woohooed in ages. But mostly we've thought about how grateful we are to each and every one of you for making this celebration possible. You did it. You gave money, you made calls and you fought to take your country back. We're damn grateful to have joined y'all for the ride. Thanks for saving our country. Y'all have a great Sunday, and we'll holler at you tomorrow. Love y'all!!!

Joy to the world

It's too early for Christmas music, but that just fit. People in the U.S. were partying yesterday. The streets of New York and Philadelphia and L.A. were packed with cheering resistance fighters. Outside the White House was a sea of heroes sending an unmistakable message to the guy hiding in the bunker. Bells were ringing in Paris and London was out celebrating as the whole world joined the United States in taking to the streets to enjoy Trump's humiliation and the liberation of America. We also started seeing our allies who are hopefully still our allies extending their congratulations to the president-elect. Trudeau got it started, but Bibi's was probably our favorite just because you know it really pissed off Trump. AMLO says he's gonna wait until it's official, so fuck that guy. The world's faith in us was tested. Hopefully it hasn't been damaged beyond repair. More: NBC News, CNN, New York Times

Fore!

While the world was celebrating the retirement of a cruel dipshit, the cruel dipshit was back on the golf course. And judging by his pathetic afternoon tweets, they didn't even bother to tell him the race was called. What a fucking loser. He's back at the golf course again today after some more caps lock tweets about how this thing that is over isn't really over. Seriously. What a fucking loser. He should be getting back to work as the COVID pandemic is really out of control (yes, all those videos of mass gatherings yesterday freaked us out, but we understand). Our daily average of new cases is almost at 107,000, yesterday there were almost 127,000 and another 1,040 Americans died. We can't wait two and a half months to deal with this shit, but that might be exactly what's going to happen. More: 13 News Now

Time to make the donuts

While Trump is fiddling and golfing, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris are getting to work. Last night's speeches were fucking amazing. But they're also getting going with the important stuff. Tomorrow Joe will announce the members of his COVID task force. Then, when he takes office, he's going to start with a flurry of executive orders doing things like returning us to the Parish Climate Accords, ending the Muslim travel ban and undoing lots of other horrible shit Trump did. We need to win in Georgia in January to keep Mitch from blocking everything, but it's nice to see that Team Joe isn't waiting around to find out if that will be the case. Also, allow us a moment to talk about the left vs. center debate that has emerged these last few days as we try to turn a victory into a defeat. Donald Trump got more than 70 million votes. We needed every single one of our people to come out, liberal or moderate. We literally can't do this shit without each other, so let's stop trying to destroy each other while there are still Nazis out there. More: Axios, Washington Post, New York Times

Today's clips

Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. was elected the nation's 46th president Saturday in a repudiation of President Trump powered by legions of women and minority voters who rejected his handling of the coronavirus pandemic and his divisive, bullying conduct in office.
More: Washington Post

A texting company run by one of President Donald Trump's top campaign officials sent out thousands of targeted, anonymous text messages urging supporters to rally where votes were being counted in Philadelphia on Thursday, falsely claiming Democrats were trying to steal the presidential election.
More: Associated Press

Did we really think the president worked so diligently these past eight months to create an environment conducive to allegations of mass voter fraud, only to stop short of alleging mass voter fraud? Of course not. Even if the president had been swept in every swing state, and by big margins, he was always going to cry foul. That he lost such close contests — and lost them in a style so unfamiliar to so many voters — only made his reaction all the more inevitable.
More: Politico

Two census takers told The Associated Press that their supervisors pressured them to enter false information into a computer system about homes they had not visited so they could close cases during the waning days of the once-a-decade national headcount.
More: Associated Press

Top congressional Republicans declined to offer congratulations to President-elect Joe Biden, or even comment on his win, as the White House and its GOP allies remained defiant that the race isn't over for President Trump.
More: Washington Post

 












 

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