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Happy Friday. We fucking did it. 

Note: HOLY FUCKING SHIT! We did it! Did we do it? We did it! Wait. Timeout. Hang on. Hold the phone. Hold the horses. Stop the presses. Get off your cousin. Is this real? Is this beautiful dream like really real? Why yes. Yes, it is. While we were sleeping, Joe Biden took the lead in Georgia with the spirit of John Lewis driving the train. Then this morning, JB Smoove took the lead in Pennsylvania. Y'all, this shit is really happening. We think. Maybe you should pinch us to make sure we're not dreaming. Hey! Don't look at us like that. It's a perfectly legitimate request. Ok fine. It would probably seem more legit if we weren't wearing chaps and a leather studded mask but it's celebration time, baby!!! We've got a whole jar of Fox and Friend tears we're going to be taking shots from all day. It's time to get lit. Say a prayer for John Lewis and RBG and the others who got us here but couldn't be at the finish line. And say a prayer of thanks to Black Americans for once again helping this country pull up before it flew into a fucking cliff. Holy shit this feels good. Like we don't even know what to do with our hands, and we can't feel our faces. Is it too early to take ecstasy? Where do you even get ecstasy this early in the day? Oh right, Portland. We kid! We're gonna skip the news section and clips today because y'all know the big news. We'll probably do a weekend roundup on Sunday, but only if we come down by then. Goddamn this is gonna be a good day. More: AJC

Note two: Give yourselves a hand. You did something extraordinary. You helped save your country from a fascist tyrant. He might still nuke us all, but y'all did the damn thang and we are so fucking proud to have been in this fight with you. We'd kiss you all right on the mouth if we could, but you don't want what we have and we're not talking about COVID. Goddamn Politico Playbook. 

Note three: We fucking love you so much, Stacey Abrams!!! Thank you for making this possible.

Note four: We love you too, Gritty, but not quite like Stacey. We just love Pennsylvania in general. So many real heroes made this possible. 

Note five: In non-orgasmic news, we got a new jobs report out this morning. We added 638,000 jobs last month, which beat expectations and brought the unemployment rate down to 6.9 percent. So basically we've replaced half of the 22 million jobs that were lost from the pandemic. And we're about to watch Republicans try to strand them there.

Note six: Speaking of people hurting from the pandemic, Ice Cube's buddy Jared Kushner is about to evict a bunch of people. More: Washington Post

Note seven: Did y'all see Runnin' Rick Grannel try to escape an MSNBC reporter yesterday? High comedy. What a fucking asshole. More: MSNBC

Note eight: The NYT found another bad apple. More: New York Times

Note nine: And to think, yesterday we were packing our shit and planning a move to Hell Planet. It's all yours now, Don Jr! More: CBS News

Note 10: Is Vlad really stepping down too? Is the world really about to flush two enormous pieces of shit at the same time? It's like we can hear the birds singing again. More: New York Post

Note 11: Oh look, the Secret Service is making moves to protect the winner. More: Washington Post

Note 12: Here's something to look forward to. More: Bloomberg

Note 13: We got some new heroes. They drowned out bullshit with Beyonce. More: Buzzfeed News

Note 14: We're sorry to be downers, but we hit another new record for COVID cases yesterday with more than 120,000 so please be careful and wear a mask while your celebrating the ouster of the orange. More: CNN

Note 15: Thank you to Joe Biden and Kamala Harris and their hard-working staffs. We put our faith in you two, and you led us to the promised land. Y'all are our fucking heroes, and we got your back. 

Note 16: Hit reply and tell us how you're celebrating. 

Note 17: Ok you badass motherfucking gorgeous ass patriots. We're gonna stop this shit so we can get on with the party. But we just want to say thank you. Y'all did this. With your courage, with your heart and with your love of this country and its people. We're so lucky to know you and be in this with you. Thank you for helping us get through this, and thank you for never giving up hope. The race isn't official yet, but we did it, y'all. We fucking did it. Now let's get naked and go dance in the streets. 

Note 18: Today we leave you with a very special song from the Peanuts gang. We love y'all so much. Have a fantastic fucking day!!! More: YouTube




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