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11.5.20

11.5.20

It's Thursday. Election Day is still fucking going. Moscow Mitch plans a new round of obstruction, America hits a turnout record as Joe gets more votes than anyone ever has and America hits another kind of record because Trump is a moron.

Note: Sooooo how is everyone today? Yeah, we're hallucinating too. And it's not because of drugs. Well, it's not entirely because of drugs. No, the combination of no sleep and shitty punditry had us seeing dripping walls last night. So we just threw on some Cream, threw on a blacklight and went with it. All in all it was a pretty groovy night in politics purgatory. But now it's daytime again and they're still counting votes. And that's ok. That's the way it's supposed to work. And we know that and we're kinda sorta functional adults so we're not going to get dressed, say goodbye to the weird looking kids we had with our cousins, grab a machine gun and go demand people stop counting votes or count them faster depending on the state and what Don Jr's twitter feed is telling us what to do. America might be a lot dumber (and way more racist) than we thought, but there are still a lot of non-dumbfucks out there. Most of them are TBS readers, we're sure. So take a deep breath and let's see what's what, you gorgeous non-dumbfucks.

Note two: Do we know how to sweet talk or what? Hey, it's still better than Politico Playbook telling you how disastrous Democrats are every fucking day.

Note three: Here's just a random question. When you make scrambled eggs with vodka, do you add the vodka before or after the meth?

Note four: While E-Night didn't give us everything we wanted, there are so many cool wins out there. This one might be our favorite. Ya know, aside from Joe. More: LGBTQ Nation

Note five: Here are some more big wins we should be celebrating. More: Huff Post

Note six: And another one! More: NBC News

Note seven: If Fox calls this thing first we're gonna be so happy. More: New York Times

Note eight: Gosh. Why did we have so many problems with Latino voters in Florida? More: New York Times

Note nine: If Joe does pull this thing off, it will be on the strength of Black voters who will have once again stepped up to save this country from itself despite being treated like shit by said country. More: Washington Post

Note 10: While we're trying to be positive, this is a colossal failure. We have got to start giving a fuck about races other than president. More: Politico

Note 11: Oh, Facebook, you sure do suck. More: Buzzfeed News

Note 12: We are never, ever, ever, ever, ever gonna forgive Maine for re-electing Susan Collins. What the fuck is wrong with those people? 

Note 13: Ok, sexy patriots. Hopefully we get some really big news today. Just hang in there a little longer. Politics is a losing game. If you do it for a long time, you usually lose way more than you win. So let's try to keep that in mind as we're looking at the scoreboard for this year. If we get Trump out of office, we will have achieved something enormous. We will have saved our country. And that's a pretty big fucking deal. We hope y'all are doing ok and handling this shit way better than we are. Have a fantastic day, and we'll see you tomorrow. Love y'all!

Note 14: Today's music selection comes to us from the Velvet Underground. It just seemed appropriate. More: YouTube

Fuck Mitch

The votes haven't even been counted yet and that goddamn turtle is already planning to obstruct the Biden administration by preventing him from naming progressive cabinet secretaries. Yeah, that's what we can look forward to if JB does pull this thing off. Fortunately for us, Mitch just spent the last four years making clear that he is fine with long terms for acting secretaries who weren't confirmed by the Senate. Also, if you see Cal Cunningham, tell him to go fuck himself. More: Axios, CNN

Holy shit!

Do you know how many people voted in this thing?! A shitload! No, a dozen shitloads! No, more than that! Last night the U.S. passed 143 million ballots cast with Biden's popular vote lead at more than 3.6 million. But what's really crazy is that Joe has more votes than President Obama got in 2008 meaning he got more votes than anyone ever has. And while we agree that should be more than enough to win him the presidency, we do have to be some downers and point out that Trump's vote totals is doing to end up being one of the highest in history too. He motivates the hell out of our voters. He just motivates the hell out of the dumbfucks too. More: Politico

Yikes

Congrats, everybody! America set a record yesterday. We exceed 100,000 COVID cases in a day for the first time! Aren't you excited? Want to hear something even crazier? About 68 million of our fellow Americans think this is just awesome and they want more of it. Yeah, maybe this country is just too dumb to live. Let's hope like hell we get a four-year reprieve. More: Washington Post

Today's clips

Democrat Joe Biden was pushing closer to the 270 Electoral College votes needed to carry the White House, securing victories in the "blue wall" battlegrounds of Wisconsin and Michigan and narrowing President Donald Trump's path.
More: Associated Press

Postmaster General Louis DeJoy may have to testify under oath about his agency's failure to follow court orders to avoid delivery disruptions for mail-in ballots during the election.

U.S. District Judge Emmet Sullivan in Washington said at a hearing Wednesday that he was "shocked" at the behavior, including not completing a mandatory sweep of mail-processing facilities to look for undelivered ballots by 3 p.m. on Election Day.
More: Bloomberg

"It was a bloodbath across the county," said Raul Martinez Jr., district director and campaign manager to U.S. Rep. Donna Shalala, a Democrat who unexpectedly lost a rematch against a candidate she fended off with relative ease just two years earlier.
More: Miami Herald

With Joe Biden closing in on 270 electoral votes, the Trump campaign filed a flurry of ballot-related lawsuits that legal experts say are unlikely to produce a Bush v. Gore sequel.
More: Axios

President Donald Trump spent much of the year laying the groundwork for the strategy of concerted dishonesty he has deployed in the hours after Election Day.
More: CNN

Chief Justice Bridget Mary McCormack will retain her seat on the Michigan Supreme Court, and Elizabeth Welch was elected to join her on the state's highest court.

Both winners were nominated by the Democratic Party, upending the balance of power on the high court.
More: Michigan Live

President Trump, his son and top members of his campaign on Wednesday advanced a set of unfounded conspiracy theories about the vote-tallying process to claim that Democrats were rigging the final count.
More: Washington Post

As Election Day turned into election week early Wednesday morning, Donald Trump had a simple message for his closest political and legal advisers as they began charting a plan to challenge and temporarily halt ballot counts in several key states: give them a court fight that "they'll never forget."
More: The Daily Beast

 

 









 

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