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11.4.20

11.4.20

It's Wednesday. Election Day is still happening. A great night for drugs, some real scumbags survive and Trump tries to destroy America.

Note: Talk about a shitty time to run out of crystal meth. Man, that didn't go as we had hoped, but this morning is looking a lot better than late last night. We knew all along that some states and mail-in ballots could take a day or two, but like all of you, we hoped to the point of believing that a nationwide rebuke of cruel stupidity was going to have us dancing in the streets last night. And while we did dance in the streets last night, we actually do that every night as a form of exercise and tribute to the Moon Goddess. So yeah, things are fucked up, and America and Americans are worse than we realized. And goddamn that hurts. If we're better than what we've seen the last four years, then it's only by the slightest of margins. That said, we are not going to get weepy around here. The numbers coming in show a real path to victory for Joe Biden, and it's important we not lose sight of what a huge accomplishment that would be. We might be stuck with Trump's enablers, but if we get rid of Trump, well, that's still a big fucking deal. So buckle up, hit that breakfast bong and let's settle in for what will hopefully be a good day. 

Note two: On a personal note, how are y'all holding up? Yeah, we're sexy fucking messes too. One of us has developed stress narcolepsy, and the rest of us are longing for a nice vacation in a room with padded walls. 

Note three: So here's what Team Biden is seeing as of this morning according to WaPo's Matt Viser. They think they've won Wisconsin, and it will be called this morning. They believe their Michigan vote-by-mail lead is "insurmountable," and the state will be called by midday. They expect Philly vote-by-mail to come in tonight or tomorrow. They expect a Georgia result today, and they expect Nevada to be called by tomorrow. If they call Michigan and Wisconsin for us today, then we win with either Nevada or Pennsylvania. Just. Hang. In. There. 

Note four: Seriously, everybody try to cheer up. Things look better for Biden than they do for Trump.

Note five: So is Lil' Wayne really that big of a deal in Miami? Also, fuck Miami. 

Note six: You know who sucks at their jobs worse than Republican officeholders? Pollsters. What the effing fucking, guys?!

Note seven: We're going to spend weeks trying to wrap our heads around the fact that so many Americans saw a racist dumbfuck let 230,000 Americans die and wanted him to keep going. Is there a national fucking suicide pact that we don't know about?

Note eight: So is Canada like always cold? Askin' for a friend newsletter. 

Note nine: We're kidding! Canada is way too functional and nice. We'd stick out like sore thumbs. 

Note 10: We hate pundits almost as much as we hate pollsters. To quote the Jack Nicholson Joker, This Town needs an enema.

Note 11: At least Kanye didn't win. More: The Daily Beast

Note 12: 1,130 Americans died of COVID yesterday. Millions and millions of their countrymen and women apparently don't give a shit. 

Note 13: Always good to read Margaret Carlson in times like this. More: The Washington Post

Note 14: The punditry was dying to write a disaster-for-Democrats story. Like Trump, they like to do their hot taking before we count the votes. It's really a shame they won't face the same reckoning as the pollsters. 

Note 15: Ok, y'all, take some deep breaths and a mild sedative. We always knew this could happen, but don't take your eye off the ball. Winning the White House was ALWAYS the top priority, and we're still looking pretty good there. Just hang in there, baby. We love y'all.

Party over here

Like Republicans, drugs had a much better night than expected. In Arizona, New Jersey, Montana and South Dakota voted to legalize recreational pot. So those places just got a helluva lot cooler. But none of them hold a candle to Oregon, which last night voted to decriminalize ALL drugs. So, Oregonians, say hello to your new neighbor, Keith Richards. There were a lot of tough losses last night, and we'll get to that in the next section. But there were also some great wins. Florida voted for a higher minimum wage, Sarah McBride became the first trans state senator in history and America is sending two openly gay Black men to Congress. Oh and we still have control of the House of Representatives even though it's not by the margin we hoped for. Politics is hard, so we celebrate what and where we can. And this is a lot to celebrate. More: OPB, CNN, NBC News, Buzzfeed News

Well shit

Lindsey Graham, Mitch McConnell and way too many other fucking dirtbags survived their elections. And damn we spent A LOT of money in those losing efforts. Maybe it was worth it to turn Mitch purple and make Lindsey spend weeks on tv begging for money like a sweaty televangelist. But we sure wish we could've taken those fuckers down. On the bright side, Cory Gardner and Martha McSally are now lobbyists. Congrats to Hickenlooper and Mark Kelly. We're gonna need to work hard in Georgia to try and win some run-offs there. More: Philadelphia Inquirer

Bullshit!

As expected, Trump waddled to the podium in the middle of the night to declare victory and proclaim he's going to the Supreme Court to try and stop the counting of votes. It's preposterous and fortunately even Republicans were calling it out as bullshit. Of course that was last night. As of this morning, Fox and Friends was accusing Biden of trying to claw back into this thing, which he is doing by actually counting the fucking votes. We know what Trump is going to try and pull, but we also knew it was coming. More: Washington Post, CNN

Today's clips

Deutsche Bank AG is looking for ways to end its relationship with President Donald Trump after the U.S. elections, as it tires of the negative publicity stemming from the ties, according to three senior bank officials with direct knowledge of the matter.
More: Reuters

ARCUS GROUP, A security and event management company founded by former aides to President Donald Trump, received a last-minute government contract to provide protection to the White House for the election.
More: The Intercept

With President Donald Trump's coronavirus task force sidelined, Joe Biden is planning to create his own task force to help grapple with the country's surge in cases should he win tonight's election, according to plans obtained by POLITICO.
More: Politico

The U.S. Postal Service turned down a federal judge's order late Tuesday afternoon to sweep mail processing facilities serving 15 states, saying instead it would stick to its own inspection schedule. The court order came after the agency disclosed that more than 300,000 ballots nationwide could not be traced.
More: Washington Post

The operators of some of the largest US-based liberal Facebook pages said that errors and inaction by Facebook caused their engagement on the platform to drop dramatically in the critical few weeks before the 2020 presidential election.
More: Buzzfeed News

A police chief and sheriff in North Carolina are being sued for voter intimidation and violation of constitutional rights after participants in a voting march were pepper-sprayed and arrested on Saturday.
More: Buzzfeed News

 

 




 

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