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11.3.20

11.3.20

It's Tuesday. HOLY MOTHERFREAKING SCHNITT IT'S ELECTION DAY!!! A sad and subdued Trump calls into Fox to complain about the coverage, Joe is still going and a whole lot of people voted early.

Note: Well, sexy patriots, it's really happening. It's here. The day we wanted. The day we worked for. The day we longed for. We've still got hours to go and it's imperative that we run through the tape, but we're gonna surprise you now — we feel great. Yeah, we know you're not used to wild-eyed optimism from our dark and tortured and sexy souls. But yeah, we feel pretty good. Some of it is just the result of a mild psychotic break wherein intense anxiety breaks like a wave and rolls back into an eerie calm. Like we quit blinking at some point and just started laughing like crazy at nothing in particular. And of course last night we were watching the Unicorn on Netflix and it's a good show and Walton Goggins and really just the whole cast are phenomenal but we weren't really watching it because we kept looking to see what was going on and then we'd take a break to pray and then we'd take a break from praying to do some hard drugs jk and then we were eating starbursts like they were popcorn but we were like if we eat the red one Trump will win and then we were like but the red ones are the second best ones and we will not live like this goddamnit and then we were like fine you selfish asshole hope you enjoy your cherry fucking starburst while the world goes to hell you privileged piece of shit and we were like fuck you and fuck the world we will enjoy it and it's oh so good fuck you and then we were like yeah well fuck you too. But like we said, now we're feeling pretty good. It's been quite a ride getting to this point. Thank you for joining us for it. We'll see you here tomorrow, but we might be a little late. We figure tonight we're either gonna be celebrating, sobbing or staring at the television in a catatonic state begging for clarity and for a tree to land on the pundits. But remember, this shit ain't over. We need to make sure we're getting out the vote today. Leave it all on the field. No regrets on the fourth.

Note two: Seriously. Y'all holding up ok? This shit is intense, right?

Note three: If you missed Tracy Chapman on Seth Meyers last night breaking out "Talkin' 'Bout a Revolution," here it is. More: YouTube

Note four: For our last column (maybe) for the Meidas Touch guys, we wrote a thank-you note to Joe Biden. And only half of it is about how he wears the hell out of those aviators. More: MeidasTouch

Note five: While we'll take time to do thank yous after the dust has settled, we did want to shout out our readers from Canada and from overseas. Thank y'all for giving a shit. And thanks for seeing us for who we are and not who we oranget. 

Note six: They're saying that no matter what happens tonight, Trumpism is here to stay. Well, maybe that means TBS is too. More: The Daily Beast

Note seven: Dr. Birx waited until the day before Election Day to sound the alarm about COVID. No matter who wins, she needs to go. We need scientists, and she clearly wants to be a politician. More: Washington Post

Note eight: Just FYI the networks are cowards and scared to death of Trump. They will do whatever he asks them to tonight. More: CNN

Note nine: Can we put a pause on the fucking image makeover the Bushes have been enjoying? When the time came to stand up for America, they went quiet. More: Dallas News

Note 10: Biden finished Michigan with Eminem and Stevie Wonder. Trump finished by getting Lil' Pump's name wrong. He won't be the last to do so. More: Deadline

Note 11: This one is really good. WaPo's Jerry Brewer wrote about how Trump woke up the activist streak in sports, possibly to his great electoral detriment. More: Washington Post

Note 12: If you can spare a moment today, think of those who died to vote. We've taken so much for granted in this country for so long. Are we finally waking up? Do we finally get how important it is? More: CNN

Note 13: Seriously what the fuck is happening in Kentucky? Do we need to airlift Rex Chapman out of there? More: Washington Post

Note 14: If you don't know the Fettermans, Pennsylvania's second family, you should get to know them. Here's Second Lady Gisele Fetterman, a formerly undocumented immigrant giving an interview to High Times. Man it's great to be a Democrat. More: High Times

Note 15: Holy shit! SCOTUS got one right. More: CNN

Note 16: "This isn't about — yeah, it is about me, I guess, when you think about it." — Trump, last night, saying what he's always thought.

Note 17: Rudy did an interview with Russia Today the same day Scott Atlas apologized for doing an interview with the foreign agent registered Russia Today. But he at least kept his hands out of his pants and off his blood relatives. While he was on camera. 

Note 18: Here's Kamala being amazing in the pages of Essence. More: Essence

Note 19: Ok y'all. This is it. We gotta scrap and claw and fight until we can't fight anymore. There is no tomorrow. There is only today. Give what you can. Give what you got. And if we get to the good place, we're celebrating like some wild ass motherfuckers. But for today, do what you can and then take care of yourself and yours. We don't know what tonight holds for America, but we know it's still a great place because it has people like you in it. And no matter what happens, remember that you are not alone and we'll be here tomorrow and the day after that. For our closing videos today, we went with the Black-Eyed Peas and Jennifer Hudson teaming up for a remix of "Where is the love" that totally didn't make us cry while we were freaking out about the color of starbursts last night. We also went with the Peanuts gang singing Outkast because that's what we started with. We love y'all. Thank you. For everything. More: YouTube, YouTube II

Prank caller

A very slow and subdued version of Trump called into Fox and Friends this morning sounding like the bashed, rotted pumpkin that he is. He moaned and weeped about how mean Fox has been to him and lied some more about the pandemic. For a guy who can't read, even Trump seems to get the writing on the wall. He's still threatening lawsuits and predicting a massive win, but his cold dead heart just doesn't seem to be into it. Oh well. He did five rallies yesterday, and they were just as crazy and pathetic as you'd think they'd be. It is our great hope that this bloated orange asshat is about to get a cruel visit from reality. He'll need an introduction. It's been years since they saw each other. More: The Daily Beast

Go Joe!

While Trump has already retreated to his (our) bunker to drown his sorrows in Big Macs and the blood of virgins, Joe Biden is out there still going strong. Joe prayed this morning before visiting Beau's grave, then he was doing Scranton and Philly while Dr. Biden goes to St. Pete and Tampa and Cary, North Carolina. They're in Wilmington tonight, where Joe will address the country. And if you're worried — and yeah, we're all fucking worried — Axios has a look at Team Joe's plans to assert control. More: Axios

That's a lot

Y'all, 100 million people voted before Election Day. Is that nuts? Well yeah, normally. But there's a deranged idiot in the Oval Office trying to kill us all, so it would be far crazier if people weren't voting. It really is astonishing though. That represents 71 percent of ALL votes cast four years ago. Maybe we're getting smarter. Guess we'll find out soon. More: MSN

Today's clips

The U.S. Postal Service (USPS) must remind senior managers they must follow its "extraordinary measures" policy and use its Express Mail Network to expedite ballots ahead of Tuesday's presidential election, under an order signed by a U.S. judge.
More: Reuters

With just 24 hours to go before polls open on Election Day, basic and easily debunked disinformation is being shared by high profile social media accounts, and the platforms that have had four years to put measures in place to stop this stuff are failing to stop it.
More: Vice

A Nevada judge rejected a GOP lawsuit seeking to halt early vote counting in Clark County, which includes Las Vegas, over stringency of signature-matching computer software and how closely observers can watch votes being counted.
More: CNN

When the Trump administration gave a well-connected Republican donor seed money to test a possible COVID-19-fighting blood plasma technology, it noted the company's "manufacturing facilities" in Charleston, South Carolina.
More: Associated Press

HealthCare.gov is the face of Obamacare, the online marketplace where millions of Americans sign up for health insurance — and now, two days before the 2020 election, the Trump administration has approved a plan to scrap the website in the swing state of Georgia.
More: Vox

President Trump is signaling that Election Day could be followed by a stretch of uncertainty and chaos as a purge of top officials, legal challenges to election results and potential resistance to a normal transition cloud the prospects for an orderly post-election period no matter who wins.
More: Washington Post

 

 











 

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