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11.18.20

11.18.20

It's Wednesday. There are 48 days until the Georgia Senate run-offs and 63 days until the inauguration. Michiganders repel a GOP coup attempt, Trump fires the man who protected our elections from his bullshit and America is about to go off a cliff.

Note: Hey everybody! How the hell are you today? Hanging on by a thread? What a coincidence! Us too! But hey, there's nobody we'd rather be hanging out with while hanging by a thread than you. Look, we're the cussing newsletter. It's our thing. That and the jokes about Rudy banging his cousin. But there has just been so much to cuss about. And yesterday was really bad. Hell, after yesterday, we don't even call it Tuesday anymore. We call it Motherfucker! What the Fuck is Happening Day. Watching Rudy's courtroom comedy routine in Pennsylvania and the bullshit in Wayne County, Michigan had us freaking out about the sharp pain in our left arm. We calmed down a lot when we remembered that newsletter don't actually have arms except Politico Playbook, but we all know they just use it to drown adorable kittens and give the finger to nuns. The thing is, as scary as everything has been, we're still on track. It's a lot like being on a flight with nightmarish turbulence. Part of you is convinced this is it and the plane is going down and the rational part of you just keeps telling yourself "turbulence doesn't cause plane crashes." So yeah, we're wondering if this thing is gonna break up before we can land, but we're trying to trust the engineers (even though they were slave-owning rapists with wooden teeth). Anyay, thanks for flying with us today. We know you have a choice in newsletters, and we appreciate you choosing TBS. Adam will be by shortly to bring you your peanuts and a horrifying update on the state of our democracy. 

Note two: Wanna see something really fucking cool? More: Associated Press

Note three: Good god we love us some Dolly Parton. She really is the best of us. And now she's saving our asses. She's like a cross between Mother Theresa, an action movie star and, well, Dolly Parton. Thanks for saving America, Dolly! We love you! More: Vulture

Note four: We also have some updates on the Rappers for Trump. It's not going well. More: TMZ, Complex

Note five: Mark Trumperberg is a scumbag with a body count. So why were our senators so fucking weak with him? Oh right, habit. More: Yahoo News

Note six: You've probably seen this story by now. The nurse behind it is getting death threats because we live in a shithole. Fuck Fox News for this. More: Washington Post

Note seven: Have y'all seen the latest shit Bill Barr is pulling? They're sending a Mexican government official who has American deaths on his hands back to Mexico in some kind of bullshit sweetheart deal. More: NBC News

Note eight: This vaccine news is getting really, really good. More: Wall Street Journal

Note nine: But we've decided we're going to avoid big holiday gatherings this year, and we wrote a column about it. You'll want to read to the end to learn about the new holiday we're proposing. More: MeidasTouch

Note 10: If any of y'all know this guy, please tell him to fuck off for us. More: CNN

Note 11: So we read all the MSM takes on Lindsey Graham getting caught trying to have legal ballots throw out, and basically it seems like the press and chickenshit Democratic senators think it's just a big joke. Yeah, The View was tougher than most. If you want to know why we get our teeth kicked in, just look how weak our people are when something like this happens. It's not a fight if you just stand there getting punched in the face. We're either going to learn that, or we're going to lose forever. We're hate-linking to the WaPo story so you can see what we're talking about. More: The Daily Beast, Washington Post

Note 12: This is the way. More: Esquire

Note 13: Thank you to WaPo's Philip Bump for breaking down how the orange groundhog has been spending his time in hiding. More: Washington Post

Note 14: Chuck Grassley tested positive. Y'all feel free to send thoughts and prayers. We're fresh out. 

Note 15: Ok sexy freedom fighters. Fasten your seatbelts and return your seats and tray tables to their upright positions and hope like hell this plane was built to withstand the craziest fucking turbulence you ever saw. We're all white knuckles over here, but we're trying to remember that turbulence doesn't bring down planes and it's important to keep the faith. Now where's that goddamn drink cart?! We're kidding. And we would never yell at a flight attendant, whose jobs were already hard as hell before a deadly pandemic. Anyway, we hope y'all are hanging in there. We know how stressful and scary this shit is, so make sure you're unplugging from time to time. Hang in there, and have a wonderful Hump Day. Love y'all!

Michigan

So anybody else's heart still racing after that shit last night? In case you missed it, two asshole Republican members of the Wayne County Board of Elections refused to certify the election results for the county, saying they'd be happy to if they just threw out Detroit. This opened the door to Trump's legal advisor saying they wanted to throw out the votes altogether and let the statehouse pick new electors. Trump celebrated all of this. And then a bunch of hot ass patriots went to work letting those two Republican board members know what they thought of their blatantly racist attempt to throw out votes from Black Americans and a couple hours later they reversed course and certified the election. The Republican strategy is to try and have Black votes thrown out in important states, and the press is acting like it's not happening. Seriously. Almost none of the stories about what happened in Michigan even mentioned that Detroit is 83 percent Black. Remember after George Floyd when the news media promised to do better? Anyway, Trump and his cohorts are really trying their best to kill democracy and scare the shit out of everyone, and it is mercifully not working yet. So everybody keep your eyes open. More: Washington Post, Washington Post II, ABC News, NBC News, Bridge Michigan

Hero

Yesterday Trump finally fired DHS official Chris Krebs, the cybersecurity expert who kept our elections safe and then pissed off Trump by telling us the truth about them. Seriously. Krebs's only sin was debunking Trump's lies about our elections, and he was fired for it. If Trump wasn't in hiding, the press should really ask him about this. Thank you, Mr. Krebs, for serving your country admirably. More: Wall Street Journal

Scary shit

So here are some really unsettling things that Mitch McConnell doesn't give a fuck about: About 12 million Americans are going to lose their unemployment insurance at the end of the year — the day after Christmas in fact. Read this story and realize that absolutely nothing is being done about it in Congress right now. Nothing. God help us. Because Mitch won't. More: Washington Post

Today's clips

Top officials from organizations representing American hospitals, doctors and nurses are calling on President Donald Trump to share critical Covid-19 data with President-elect Joe Biden's transition team "as soon as possible" to "save countless lives."
More: NBC News

As President Donald Trump's legal efforts challenging the election results continue to hit dead ends, his campaign and legal teams have descended into chaos behind the scenes as many brace for the end of the post-election fight, multiple sources tell ABC News.
More: ABC News

With more shutdowns looming and a vaccine months away from wide distribution, governors across the U.S. are pleading for more help from Washington ahead of what is shaping up to be a bleak winter.
More: Associated Press

The Republican-led Senate on Tuesday failed to get enough votes to break a filibuster of Judy Shelton, President Donald Trump's controversial nominee for the Federal Reserve.
More: CNN

President Donald Trump's agenda listed "no public events" on Tuesday -- the 10th time since the election that those words have appeared on his daily schedule.
More: CNN

The FBI is investigating allegations that Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton broke the law in using his office to benefit a wealthy donor, according to two people with knowledge of the probe.
More: Associated Press

President-elect Joe Biden on Tuesday named top aides who will work in his White House, rewarding loyal supporters and longtime advisers as he builds his administration-in-waiting while keeping a spotlight on the Trump administration's refusal to assist his transition into office.
More: Washington Post

 

 







 

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