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11.16.20

11.16.20

It's Monday. There are 50 days until the Georgia Senate run-offs and 64 days until the inauguration. Exciting vaccine news as Trump lets the virus run wild, Trump's sorta science guy calls for more violence and Trumpland continues to live in dangerous denial.

Note: Holy shit we missed y'all. It was wonderful to take a few days off and sleep a lot and spent about 15 fewer minutes a day cussing at the walls. We're damn grateful to you sexy patriots for understanding as we tried like hell to unplug and refuel these last few days. Of course, until that deranged daughter-fucking asshole is all the way out of office, we can't fully relax. And even then, we're gonna have to work our asses off to make sure this particular deranged daughter-fucking asshole doesn't return. This weekend actually reminded us of something that happened a few years ago in the small village of TBSistan. You might not know this, but TBS's mother was a newsletter but its father was a sheep herder. Anyway, we were having real trouble with this idiot orange coyote who would come to the village and fuck our sheep, eat their shit and then kill them. For four years, we had to deal with a daily morning mess of orange fur and shit and blood. So we laid a trap. And we got him. And we celebrated knowing our trap had worked as it was supposed to. While we celebrated, the coyote wailed and wailed. At first, it made the town folk happy. It reminded them they had taken down the monster that terrorized them and they delighted in its well-deserved suffering. But as the nights went on, the coyote kept wailing like a big dumb crybaby. It began to freak out some of the townspeople, and many wondered if the trap would hold. But that trap has held for almost 250 years, and that big ugly ass orange coyote can wail all his big ugly ass wants to but either way he got got and we're the ones who took him down. So fuck that coyote and fuck his wailing. It just sounds like music to us.

Note two: After re-reading that first note, we're thinking we didn't take enough time off. And we'll probably take some serious time off around Thanksgiving. But we did want to let y'all know that we're planning to continue publishing TBS as long as we can. We love writing it, we love hearing from y'all and we know that Trumpism isn't going away. So as long as those assholes are going to try to fuck up our country, we're going to be here making fun of them. Thank you all so much for your encouragement and love. Y'all sure do know how to make a newsletter feel loved.

Note three: So it's not our thing to make fun of people who have mental illness. We're not Republicans after all. But goddamn Kanye has really tested that. So while we're tempted to spend a couple thousand words just dunking on this joke of a human being, we're instead going to say that we love the photo editor who chose this picture, we hope Kanye does leave the country and we miss the rap battles of our youth when Ye's peers would've destroyed him for crying on stage like the mess that he is. Bye, Kanye! Don't forget to take Kim with you! More: OK Magazine

Note four: You gotta figure Scott Baio probably threatened to leave the country too, but nobody gives a fuck. 

Note five: Someone should tell those Q morons about this. More: New York Times

Note six: This is an important one. We very well might have Native Americans to thank for saving this country. Let's not forget it. More: Huff Post

Note seven: Speaking of Q idiots, let's not forget for one second that one of Trump's big defenses is actually a Q conspiracy theory. More: NBC News

Note eight: Ok so seriously how the fuck has this not been a huge fucking story? We're deporting women who we performed unnecessary surgeries on?! Well that doesn't sound very Fourth of July-y. We sure hope Team Joe is ready to get to the bottom of this evil shit. More: Associated Press

Note nine: Y'all know we're big sports fans, and we were just over the moon last week as Kim Ng was announced as the first woman general manager of a Major League Baseball team. We can't bring ourselves to root for the Florida Marlins, but we will definitely be rooting for Kim. More: USA Today

Note 10: It got lost in the news last week, but Bill Barr has been stepping in to protect Trumpland figures from prosecution. More: New York Times

Note 11: There are a lot of early signs that Joe Biden just really gets it. More: CNN, The Daily Beast, Bloomberg, NBC News

Note 12: WE WON THE KENTUCKY DERBY!!!

Note 13: Did it work? Are we horses?

Note 14: If you wonder why these turds are fucking with our democracy to placate the feelings of the head turd, it's probably this. More: Wall Street Journal

Note 15: This Ashley Parker piece in WaPo about how Trump's lies have bookended his time in politics is pretty great. More: Washington Post

Note 16: What's the opposite of Trump lies? Obama truth. And he is making the rounds dropping a lot of it. More: CBS News

Note 17: Don't forget to keep cheering on E. Jean Carroll in her brave fight to hold that motherfucker accountable. More: ABC News

Note 18: Oh hell yes. Whatever Stacey Abrams wants to run for, we're in. More: The Daily Beast

Note 19: Ok, the notes have gotten completely out of hand for a Monday, but we missed y'all and we have so much to talk about. The main thing is try to ignore the coyote if you can. Try to focus on Georgia and ways you can help there. And if you haven't take a day or two to just sleep like we did, try to. This shit is hard and it's never-ending. So please take care of yourselves. Also, this vaccine stuff is real. So don't fuck around and die or kill someone else when we're so close to the finish line. But y'all already know that because you're not dumbfuck Trump supporters and you have the good taste to read TBS. We hope you good gorgeous people have a fantastic week. Love y'all!

Yay

So more good vaccine news like we mentioned. Moderna says its vaccine has a 94.5 percent effective rate against the virus, so this is some really good fucking news. The bad news is the dumbshit in the White House is more concerned about tweeting and getting credit than he is having a transition to the people who are actually going to distribute this thing. HHS Secretary Azar used the occasion to again question if there will be a transition. Oh and there's also the matter of the states not having the resources to actually distribute the vaccine, but you know the Trumpkins ain't worried about that. Meanwhile, America is really sick. The virus is surging, and healthcare workers are begging people to wear masks. What the hell kind of country are we that this is such a tough ask? More: Washington Post, Washington Post II, Associated Press, Associated Press II, The Atlantic, New York Times

Asshat Atlas

The president's doctor who just plays a doctor on the teevee was back at it last night. Just a couple weeks after the dumbest doctor in Washington not named Rand Paul apologized for doing Russian propaganda, he was on twitter calling for people to "rise up" against Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer. You might recall a few weeks ago when violent scum plotted to kidnap and harm the governor. Because twitter sucks ass, they decided to just leave that up. The pretend doctor later tried to clarify that by "rise up," he meant vote Whitmer out in two years. And if you believe that, then you've been injecting too much bleach. More: CNN

Fucking losers

While the white-cousin-fucker army descended on Washington this weekend, dear leader continued to live in denial. Alternating between accidental concessions and all-caps declarations of victory, Trump did not appear to get any closer to accepting reality this weekend. The good news — for us — is that he put Rudy in charge of his legal efforts. So yay for more dildo shops and convicted sex offenders. This week we're gonna find out just how cowardly the Republican Party really is. Ohio Gov. Mike Dewine said Sunday it was time for the transition to start and Trump was calling for a primary challenge this morning, so it's going to be fun to watch. More: CNN, CNN II, Politico

Today's clips

The federal government's chief information security officer is participating in an effort backed by supporters of President Trump to hunt for evidence of voter fraud in the battleground states where President-elect Joe Biden secured his election victory.
More: Washington Post

President Trump will enact a series of hardline policies during his final 10 weeks to cement his legacy on China, senior administration officials with direct knowledge of the plans tells Axios.
More: Axios

Two years and two months before Arizona's rebuke of President Donald Trump, hundreds of Republican leaders of the Grand Canyon State crowded into North Phoenix Baptist Church to bid farewell to their hero and mentor, John McCain.
More: Politico

Sixteen assistant U.S. attorneys specially assigned to monitor malfeasance in the 2020 election urged Attorney General William P. Barr on Friday to rescind his recent memorandum allowing investigators to publicly pursue allegations of "vote tabulation irregularities" in certain cases before results are certified, saying they had not seen evidence of any substantial anomalies.
More: Washington Post

As Facebook Inc. and Twitter Inc. have taken a more assertive role in curbing content on their platforms, prominent conservatives on both platforms have responded with a frequent retort: Follow me on Parler.
More: Wall Street Journal

 

 





 

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