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Happy Friday. There are 25 days until the presidential election. Trump inspires some murderous kidnappers and then tells the would-be victim to fuck off, Bill Barr won't get his cookie and the coughing guy is ready to hold more rallies.

Note: We made it! We made it to the weekend. And now we get to totally relax while the president of the United States takes steroids and rage tweets while performing the laziest version of autoerortic asphyxiation. This guy doesn't choke himself to get off; he just chokes when there's a major problem facing the country. WOW. Where did that come from? Even for TBS that's a pretty fucked up way to start the day. We're sorry. That shit should've come with a trigger warning. What can we say? There are like three-and-a-half weeks left, and we're getting a little wiggy. So let's talk about something positive. Have you seen all this incredible polling for Joe Biden? Trick question! Good polling doesn't win elections; people do. So our advice for the next few weeks is to treat polls like a naked relative and just look away. Focus on the work. What are you doing this weekend? Are you phone-banking? Texting for a candidate? Have you adopted a Senate race? Alaska, Texas, Iowa, Mississippi and several more could all use your help. The NYT reports today that Mitch McConnell is very upset by how much progressives are raising through ActBlue. So give some more if you can and really piss him off. And if autoerotic asphyxiation is your thang, please be careful. We can't have you going out like David Carradine and missing the Election Night party. More: New York Times

Note two: You can tell it's Friday because there are two mentions of autoerotic asphyxiation in the opening note. There might be something wrong with us. 

Note three: Set your faces to stunned, but Donald Trump did not win the Nobel Prize. Yeah, it's really fucking werid but they gave it to the World Food Programme instead of the guy who cages children, boosts violent white supremacists and let more than 210,000 of his own people die. Oh well, just another reminder that President Obama is the better person in every way.

Note four: So Mitch McConnell has been telling us that everything is going great with the pandemic and the whole time he's been avoiding the White House because it's unsafe. He's lucky the whole Capitol Hill press corps works for him, or this could get awkward. More: Bloomberg

Note five: Always cool when United States Senators say fuck democracy. More: Salt Lake Tribune

Note six: Look at what you did, you amazing knuckleheads! More: Politico

Note seven: We really failed you this week. Like our heads are hanging in shame. We missed the report about former Trump campaign manager Brad Parscale sobbing and telling police that his wife won't have sex with him and hasn't in weeks. First of all, congrats to the wife on her sudden standards. Second of all, if anyone you care about is thinking about managing the Trump campaign, try to talk them out of it. Nothing good will happen. Hell, managing the Trump campaign is like dating or marrying a Kardashian — almost guaranteed to fuck up your whole life. (We're thinking of you, Lamar!) More: New York Post

Note eight: The families of Jackie Robinson and Dr. Martin Luther King are asking Trump to stop using the icons' images in his ads. He'll probably listen since he's not at all a racist piece of shit. More: NBC News

Note nine: If Trump is actually getting better, it's because of medicines that were tested in cells derived from fetal tissues. It's the kind of thing Amy Coney Barrett wants to do away with. So all those anti-abortion nutjobs should be pulling their support any minute now, right? More: New York Times

Note 10: This is a fascinating story about how Trump keeps trying to bribe Americans to win re-election and keeps fucking it up. More: Washington Post

Note 11: So is it just us or did this week feel like it lasted a year or two? Trump isn't just fucking up our country; he's also fucking up space and time. But we've got a cure for that — you. So let's be some grassroots warriors this weekend and kick some ass. Please be safe, wear your mask and stay far away from Republicans. We love y'all, and we hope you have a fantastic weekend. Also, our apologies to any Kung Fu fans we upset by bringing up the memory of David Carradine's passing. We loved him in Kill Bill. 

Wolverine whackjobs

That's how Trump responded to the news that the FBI stopped a plot to kidnap and possibly murder the governor of Michigan who he has attacked recently. Except he left out the thoughts and prayers. Yeah, some domestic terrorists who were part of the bearded take-your-machine-gun-to-work crowd that Trump was cheering on in the early days of the pandemic took his calls to "LIBERATE MICHIGAN" seriously. They were going to blow up a bridge as a diversion, they scouted out her vacation house, they were going to kill law enforcement. It's all really horrifying. But Gov. Gretchen Whitmer was the wrong woman to fuck with, and she let them know yesterday. Calling out Trump for his hateful rhetoric, Whitmer said what needed to be said. So Trump and his infected aides attacked Whitmer instead of the terrorists. As she put it this morning on ABC, "A decent human being would pick up the phone and say, 'are you OK? How's your family doing?' That's what a decent human being does. That's what Joe Biden did. And I think it tells you everything you need to know about the character of these two people." We're thinking of you, Gov. Whitmer. And we're damn glad you're on our team. Donnie Douchebag, on the other hand, can go fuck himself with an old toilet brush. And when he does, ask him where the hell Bill Barr was on this. More: NBC News, Washington Post, Detroit Free Press

No show (trials)

It looks like Bill Barr won't be able to pull of a shocking frame job that satiates our idiot president's desire to see his political enemies locked up. The Durham report does not look like it will be done before the election, which is good because it's all bullshit designed to influence the election. It's been appalling to watch Trump step up his attacks on Obama and Biden and call for them to be arrested repeatedly. But it really says a lot about where Trump is these days that nobody seems to be taking it seriously. Of course, if this asshole wins again, we're all gonna wish we had. More: Axios


Speaking of deranged dumbfucks, the president called into his buddy Hannity's show last night to cough and cough and cough and tell us how healthy he is. But man he wouldn't even answer Hannity's questions about when he last had a test. He did get his pretend doctor to clear him to go back to holding rallies though. But don't worry, tonight he's undergoing a public examination on Tucker Carlson's show. We know that sounds like something we would make up to point out how stupid all of this is, but it's quite real. More: CNN, The Daily Beast

Today's clips

Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett heads into her confirmation hearings next week with a detailed record that has led many liberals and conservatives to believe she would support restricting, if not outright overturning, the landmark decision that guarantees a woman's right to an abortion.
More: Washington Post

Former high-dollar Trump fundraiser Elliott Broidy plans to plead guilty to a federal criminal charge over an alleged scheme to influence the Trump administration on behalf of a Malaysian businessman at the center of a massive international money laundering conspiracy.
More: The Daily Beast

Three former American Bar Association presidents, as well as several former judges and state and local bar leaders, are offering support to any Justice Department officials who resign or speak out against evidence of politicization in the waning weeks of the 2020 presidential election.
More: Politico

But Ratcliffe, who had no significant background in intelligence, failed to meet his commitments when he recently declassified documents that included sensitive intelligence about Russians discussing Hillary Clinton and her 2016 presidential campaign, current and former officials said.
More: Washington Post

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, alarmed by President Donald Trump's erratic behavior in recent days, is putting her weight behind a bill to give Congress a role in determining whether the President of the United States must be forced out of office because he's incapable of doing his job. 
More: CNN

The US is averaging more than 45,000 new Covid-19 positive tests each day -- up 8% from the previous week and more than double what the country was seeing in June, as lockdown restrictions were easing.
More: CNN

U.S. Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett did not include on her Senate Judiciary disclosure forms a notable case in which she was one of two lead attorneys: defending a Pittsburgh steel magnate accused of helping drive a major Pennsylvania Hospital System into bankruptcy.
More: NBC News



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