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10.8.20

10.8.20

It's Thursday. There are 26 days until the presidential election. Kamala kicks some ass, Trump chickens out of the next debate and Bill Barr unleashes DOJ to interfere in the election.

Note: Hey there. We're damn happy to see you today, and we're excited to talk about how Kamala is now the proud owner of a super white old kiss-ass. But first we have to call into Maria Bartiromo's show on Fox while we have a contagious virus. Hello, Maria? Yes, we're doing great. No, we don't feel contagious. We just feel sexy as always. Yes, it actually does matter if you feel contagious. That's a real medical thing that our totally real doctors have told us. What's that? Yes, we are dumb as hell. That's why we call into your show. Well that and sometimes our butts get cold, and we figure the fastest way to warm them up is for you to repeatedly kiss them while we scream nonsense about arresting people we don't like. How did we get sick? Well that's a good question. It was either Obama or Gold Star families or Jesus. Why do you keep trying to get us off the phone? Is it because we have a real job and shouldn't be spending an hour shouting insanity at someone who would eat our toe jam if we asked? Ok cool, well, we'll talk to you tomorrow. 

Note two: What did you think of our Trump Fox interview impression? Needs work, right? We'll get the interviewer to remove a couple of vertebrae and the interviewee to remove a few million brain cells, and then it should be spot on. 

Note three: We're gonna talk about this in the news section, but how awesome was Kamala? Yeah, we're still in such a good damn mood about it. We love this ticket!

Note four: "I"m back because I'm a perfect physical specimen and I'm extremely young." This is a real thing our poorly aging and obese president said this morning. That guy's on drugs.

Note five: Want to really be in a good mood? Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman turned themselves in today in Detroit over their robocall scam. Have fun, boys.

Note six: Did y'all catch Kamala's infrastructure week burn on Pence last night? We went nuts. We know we're nerds because we went absolutely apeshit over that one. Get that motherfucker some aloe.

Note seven: WaPo's Margaret Sullivan is giving us life… More: Washington Post

Note eight: This is the kind of shit you're paying ICE to do… More: WBUR

Note nine: Here's some more good news. We're pulling hard for you, Jacob. More: CNN

Note 10: How much does Trump suck? He even has the New England Journal of Medicine calling for him to get the boot. More: CNN

Note 11: The death toll in Florida passed 15,000. More: Palm Beach Post

Note 12: The White House chief of staff doesn't believe rules apply to him. More: AJC

Note 13: Why does the Taliban like this president so much? More: Associated Press

Note 14: We've gone note crazy again. Sorry. Week is almost over, folks, and then we get to spend the weekend reading tweets from a contagious asshole as he goes and tries to infect people at his golf course. Shoot us an email and let us know what you thought of the debate. Other than that, just keep on keepin' on. You're doing a great job, and your breath is fantastic. We love y'all. Have a great day. 

Note 15: Orange you surprised we didn't make any fly or red-eye jokes? 

He penced his pants

Y'all saw the debate, so you know Kamala did the damn thing. She blasted an unusually white Mike Pence for the "ineptitude" and "incompetence" he and and Trump have handled the COVID response. She ate his lunch, shutting his bitch ass down every time he tried to interrupt her. She blasted Trump for owing more than $400 million to unknown lenders. She made our day by being one of the first people in four years to call out Trump's "weird obsession" with President Obama. And she made us proud all damn night. Early polls show her winning handily. In fact, she was the only one on stage who got away with a win. Oof Susan Page. Not a great night. And Pence is on his knees somewhere begging Trump to forgive him for the fly that landed on his head and stayed there for 30 minutes. It went so well that Republican men have totally gone off the rails. Trump went on Fox this morning to call her "this monster" and "unlikeable." Chuck Grassley also went with "unlikeable." Former Bernie Bro turned Trumper Harlan Hill called her "an insufferable lying bitch." And U.S. Rep. Greg Murphy of New Jersey deleted a tweet in which he said that Kamala "was only picked for her color and her race." So Kamala kept exposing Republicans long after she left the debate stage. You killed it, Momala. We're grateful, and really fucking excited to vote for you. More: CNN, Washington Post

Chickenshit

Does COVID destroy the spine too? Because Donald Trump is chickening out of the next debate. This morning the Presidential Debate Commission announced that the next debate, a townhall in Miami, would be done virtually since, ya know, Trump has a contagious deadly virus. In response, Trump announced he won't participate and will instead have a rally. LOL. Cool, man. Go right ahead. Trumpism has done so much bad shit. But man has it ever exposed the fragility of entitled old white guys. Dipshit was already back to trying infect people yesterday by returning to the Oval Office. If we can all figure out Zoom, why can't this asshole? More: CNN, Washington Post

More Barr bullshit

Remember when Bill Barr said part of his mission was to remove politics from DOJ? Remember when we all laughed in his massive jowls? Well, an email went out at DOJ Friday overturning longstanding DOJ policy about interfering in elections. Yeah, Barr is now saying his U.S. Attorneys are free to blast away if they suspect election fraud. So expect way more of the same shit we saw in Pennsylvania a couple weeks ago where a tiny mistake happened, and Trumpland claimed it as proof of widespread fraud. They're losing, so they're cheating. It's really that fucking simple. More: Pro Publica

Today's clips

President Donald Trump required personnel at the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center to sign nondisclosure agreements last year before they could be involved with treating him, according to four people familiar with the process.
More: NBC News

President Donald Trump and other White House insiders infected with COVID-19 carried the virus across the country in a matter of days, potentially exposing hundreds, perhaps thousands, of people as they went about their business, a USA TODAY investigation found.
More: USA Today

The San Diego Unified School District is removing letters from President Donald Trump that his administration placed inside food boxes as part of a federal coronavirus relief program for families in need.
More: Politico

Donald Trump mounted an overnight Twitter blitz demanding to jail his political enemies and call out allies he says are failing to arrest his rivals swiftly enough.
More: Politico

On the same day President Donald Trump acknowledged contracting the coronavirus, the White House quietly informed a veterans group that there was a COVID-19 risk stemming from a Sept. 27 event honoring the families of fallen U.S. service members, the head of that charitable organization told The Daily Beast.
More: The Daily Beast

Facebook said Wednesday it will now remove content that urges Americans to report to the polls as unauthorized poll watchers if that content uses "militarized language" or when the intent behind the posts is to intimidate voters.
More: CNN

A letter sent by the top public health official attesting to Vice President Pence's health and proclaiming him safe to debate Wednesday night is sparking outcry from public health experts.
More: Washington Post

President Trump received a high dose of an experimental antibody cocktail from Regeneron as part of his Covid-19 treatment. Now the drugmaker's stock is up sharply -- and questions are swirling about the president's ties to Regeneron's billionaire CEO.
More: CNN

The Justice Department said Wednesday that it "inadvertently" altered documents that it recently submitted to a federal court as part of its ongoing effort to dismiss the criminal case against former Trump national security adviser Michael Flynn.
More: CNN

A retired major general who served as a 2016 campaign adviser to then-candidate Donald Trump was quietly installed in a senior advisory role at the CIA earlier this year. The move is spurring discussion among some former agency officials, who say the arrangement is highly unusual.
More: Politico

 

 











 

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