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It's Tuesday. There are 28 days (FOUR WEEKS!!!) until the presidential election. A maskless asshole endangers a bunch of people then says learn to live with it, the White House won't let the FDA make sure a vaccine is safe and Joe goes back to throwing punches.

Note: Howdy! How are you today? Did you sleep well? Yeah, us neither. Yesterday was a rough day, and we have a bit of bad news. Yesterday was so fucking stupid, it actually broke our brains. Or at least sprained them badly. After watching the world's dumbest COVID patient whip off his mask and then walk inside the White House while filming a propaganda ad, we noticed we couldn't really see shapes anymore and we started to drool. When we woke up today, we forgot how to count past seven and couldn't remember which feet our shoes go on. At this rate, we'll be Trump voters in a week. That's the bad news. The good news is newsletters aren't people and don't have brains. They can just be really good looking or shameless kiss-asses like the criminal masterminds over at Politico Playbook. Y'all know which path we chose. And if you're worried you might have broken your brain, just put on a mask and you'll instantly seem smarter. 

Note two: What were we talking about? Oh right. Politics and orange dumbasses who try to get everyone sick. Well, here's some more good news — IN FOUR WEEKS WE GET TO VOTE THIS MOTHERFUCKER OUT OF OFFICE AND INTO A LIFETIME OF LOSER SHAME. Got a plan to vote? Good. Let's do this thang.

Note three: We love this story. Talk your shit, doc! More: Washington Post

Note four: Michelle aka NoCovidFlotus is dropping some wisdom this morning. More: CBS News

Note five: If you love dogs and hate Trump, this is the ad for you. You're also a cool person. More: AdAge

Note six: Y'all see Rudy coughing like crazy last night? Yeah, three of his cousins and half a dozen Russian spies should really get tested. Start with syphilis and work your way back to COVID. More: The Daily Beast

Note seven: Here's another lie Trump told. This one is to Coal Country. Bet they still vote for him. More: New York Times

Note eight: In case you were wondering why the Sunday shows sucked worse than usual last weekend..,. More: Washington Post

Note nine: The U.S. trade deficit rose by almost 6 percent in August. Another broken promise from a man who doesn't know what a trade deficit is.

Note 10: "I will never love another president again!" Those are real words written and tweeted out by a real congressman. Matt Gaetz, the gas-masked douchebag who threatened a congressional witness and took a Holocaust denier to the State of the Union, is really going all in… Trump. Dude, Nestor is gonna be ashamed to call you his not father.

Note 11: We were furious that all three networks played along with Trump's dangerous stunt yesterday. But we were somewhat gratified to see Katie Couric getting pissed off about it. "Honestly I find it infuriating. Why didn't anyone have the balls to say we are not doing this? Please network executives. You were just played." Well said, ma'am. Keep that cussing up and you just might have a future at a broken brained newsletter. 

Note 12: The Supreme Court is going to come for same-sex marriage again. Y'all ready to fight? More: Slate

Note 13: That's a lot of notes for a Tuesday. But it was a lot of bullshit for a Monday. We hope y'all are hanging in there. If you're having a hard time, please hold on. You are definitely not alone. And you're doing way better than you might think, especially considering your federal government abandoned you. We love y'all. Have a fantastic Tuesday.

Note 14: We don't want to end on 13 this close to the election. So here's the Peanuts gang doing Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie. More: YouTube

Note 15: And just for the hell of it, here's Prince doing Radiohead's Creep. And after that are two little girls rocking the same song. More: YouTube, YouTube II

So sick

You remember those videos of the dumbest human garbage in history getting in fights in Wal-mart because they had to wear a mask? Well, the presidential version of that happened yesterday. Despite being very contagious, Trump and his fake doctor decided it was totally cool if Trump flew back to the White House, take off his mask and film a campaign commercial before infecting others. It was a truly appalling moment in American history. And then it appeared that the old orange asshole was having real trouble breathing. Unfortunately, it hasn't stopped him from tweeting or just sucking at life. So dumbfuck woke up this morning and seven months, 7.5 million cases and about 208,000 dead Americas later, he's back to comparing this shit to the goddamn flu. He actually said we just have to learn to live with it. And his party is backing him. One after another, the GOP cowards praised Trump's recklessness as people who lost someone to this awful virus and then mourned them over zoom were aghast at how uncaring their president is. If you work at the White House and you're not a political appointee, we're hoping you can stay safe. More: Washington Post, Washington Post II, Washington Post III, Axios, CNN


The White House shut down FDA efforts to add layers of protections to ensure any vaccine is safe. Trump wants it by Election Day, and he really doesn't give a fuck if it's safe or not. So while the FDA administrator testified to Congress last month that there would be strenuous protections to ensure the safety of a vaccine, Trump said screw that jazz. So if we want a vaccine we can trust, we're gonna have to elect Joe Biden. But hey, isn't that a good idea anyway? More: New York Times

Git 'em, Joe

Now that Trump is out of the hospital like the dumb shit that he is, Joe Biden has taken the gloves back off. If you missed his townhall last night, he was fantastic. When asked whether Trump was responsible for contracting the virus, Joe said, "Anybody who contracts the virus by essentially saying masks don't matter, social distancing doesn't matter, I think, is responsible for what happens to them." Oh snap. We probably would've thrown in some f-bombs, but we're loving what we're seeing. Today, he's speaking from Gettysburg. More: Washington Post, CNN

Today's clips

U.S. Sen. John Cornyn said Monday that President Donald Trump "let his guard down" on the coronavirus and that the president's rhetoric has created "confusion" as the country has struggled to get the pandemic under control.
More: Houston Chronicle

A third-grade teacher died in North Carolina days after testing positive for Covid-19 and while her students were quarantined as a result of the exposure.
More: CNN

The advice fit in with Trump's downplaying of the virus, his ridiculing of those who wear masks to protect themselves and others, and his insistence on holding rallies and White House events in contravention of federal guidelines. But emergency room doctors, public health experts, survivors of the disease and those who have lost loved ones were nevertheless aghast, saying his cavalier words were especially dangerous at a time when infections are on the rise in many places.
More: Associated Press

In early September, as many school districts were still deciding whether to hold in-person classes, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention altered the title of a scientific report on the coronavirus and removed words like "pediatric" from its text, days after a Trump administration appointee requested similar changes, according to emails obtained by POLITICO. More: Politico

The Supreme Court on Monday granted a request from South Carolina Republicans to reinstate the state's witness-signature requirement on absentee ballots pending appeal.
More: CNN


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