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10.28.20

10.28.20

It's Wednesday. There are SIX DAYS until the presidential election. Trump spreads hypothermia in addition to COVID as he continues to be Democrats' best surrogate, a birther idiot who hates Christmas and kids lectures Amercians about being nice and Joe Biden channels FDR.

Note: Well, sexy patriots, how you holding up? We know you're a blur of righteous anger and activity these days, so today we're gonna skip the pep talk about how you need to leave it all out on the field. We know you're working hard to save this country, and we'll probably go back to haranguing you about it tomorrow. But today we wanted to make sure you're taking care of yourselves. There's a link to a story below about how pandemic depression and seasonal depression are about to collide in a gnarly way, and we worry because we're a newsletter with a heart and our president seems to want us all to die. These are scary fucking times, and it's really only a matter of days before the walls start bleeding and zombies roam the land wearing red hats, bitching about wearing masks and trying to have sex with their zombie cousins. Oh, that's right. It's Halloween season too. Guess we shouldn't have put a stake through that vampire's heart when he was only asking for candy. But that kind of shit is bound to happen when you're in the last days of trying to save your nation from facism. Rambling aside, we love y'all, and we want you to take care of yourselves. Wear a mask, check in on loved ones, stay six feet away from other people and 20 feet away from Republicans. Everything sucks right now except you. You're the difference. So be good to yourself because you're a hottie who loves America, and there's nothing sexier than that. More: Washington Post

Note two: Yeah, Politico's Playbook doesn't do that shit. Heartless scum.

Note three: Congratulations to the World Series Champion Los Angeles Dodgers. L.A. is really championship city these days, bringing home two sets of hardware 16 days apart. Of course this is Trumpland, so America's national pastime tested positive for COVID. We're not even kidding. If you haven't seen it yet, the Dodgers' third baseman was pulled mid-game because a positive test result came back. AND THEN HE WENT BACK OUT ON THE FIELD WITHOUT A MASK TO CELEBRATE WITH HIS TEAMMATES AND THEIR FAMILIES. Justin Tuner, dude, you're a badass and we're happy for you, but that is some truly reckless shit and a terrible example for kids watching at home. So congratu-fucking-lations. 

Note four: Speaking of doing your own cousin, last night 'Rudy Giuliani, who kept both hands where we could see them, lost his shit on Kennedy from Fox Business when she compared his silly shit to the Steele Dossier. He told her to apologize and then he stormed off set and started masturbating violently in the green room before flinging his own shit at terrified producers. We can't actually confirm what happened after he left the set, but we're guessing we've got it pretty close.

Note five: We want to be serious for a moment. Yesterday was the two year anniversary of the mass murders at Tree of Life Synagogue in Pittsburgh. We're sorry we missed the date, but we think of this event often. It seems to us like an inflection point where the president's calls for violence were heeded, and then everyone gave him a pass because it was just too horrible to contemplate. We're sending our warmest thoughts to the families and survivors. 

Note six: We're also sending love to Philly and the family of Walter Wallace, who was killed by police. America can't go on like this. More: CNN

Note seven: Why the fuck would a judge want people to bring guns to a polling place? Gretchen Whitmer has to put up with so much shit... More: CNN

Note eight: Now who needs a laugh? Well here you go… More: NBC News

Note nine: What's a ghost's favorite thing to wear? Boo jeans. Thank you to our nephew, John H. for that one.

Note 10: Hey look, a couple of us wrote another column. It basically does what we said we weren't going to do in the first note. So if you want to be lectured about keeping the hard work up, then give this here a click. More: MeidasTouch

Note 11: Americans get how serious this is. More: Washington Post

Note 12: Even at the finish line, they're still trying to kill the planet. More: New York Times

Note 13: We really don't know how to feel about a Saved by the Bell reboot. We'll never forgive those fuckers in Hollywood for messing with Red Dawn, but we're willing to give this another shot if they promise us an episode that is just focused on Jessie Spano's now full-blown diet pill addiction. Remember how big Zach Morris's phone was? More: Buzzfeed News

Note 14: We're sports heavy today, but we want to draw your attention to this column about how the WNBA helped shake up the Senate races in Georgia. These women and this league have been leading on activism in sports for a long time, and they have our gratitude and love. More: USA Today

Note 15: Yeah, we've gone note crazy today. Sorry about that. So here's one guaranteed to make you happy if only for a moment. More: The Daily Beast

Note 16: Good news, everybody, they ended the pandemic. More: Politico

Note 17: Ok, that is more than enough. We're sorry if we overloaded you this fine Hump Day. Remember that the thought of the day is self-care so take care of yourself. Take a bath, take some bong hits, watch some Ted Lasso. Do whatever works for you, but do make sure you're being good to yourself because we love you and your country needs you. Have a great day!

Omaha 

In addition to being a great Counting Crows song is also where Trump left hundreds of his supporters stranded in the freezing cold last night. Is there any greater parable for Trumpism than him leaving his most diehard supporters out in the cold? Yeah, Trump is really on a roll. He went to Michigan and raised doubts about whether there's really any problem with wanting to kidnap the governor, he assured women he is going to get their husbands back to work and might or might not have suggested Biden will be assassinated upon taking office. So on behalf of Democrats everywhere, keep going, Mr. President. Everywhere you go, you take disease and disaster with you. You're a better campaigner for us than we could've ever imagined. Seriously. What a fucking mess. More: Omaha World-Herald, USA Today, Philadelphia Inquirer

Whatever, Melanie

The dumbest dumb shit to ever move her from Dumbshitylvania thinks we're not being nice enough. Melania the Third Wife of Scum, Second to Stormy gave a speech yesterday, wherein she attacked Democrats for being meanies to her husband over COVID. Yeah, he infected her and their kid but it's our fault somehow. Is anybody else sick and tired of getting lectured on manners by a third-rate participation trophy wife who hates Christmas and kids and helped her piece of shit husband push a racist birther smear for years? More: CNN

Warm Springs

That's the spot in Georgia where Joe Biden went yesterday to channel his FDR. We hope young progressive voters are picking up on this vibe because we are damn excited by the signals that are being sent about what kind of presidency Joe Biden will try to have. Also, President Obama was en fuego yesterday, blasting the living shit out of Kushner for his racist remarks on Fox. We've got a great team. And let's just pause for a moment to appreciate that one week out from the election, Trump was in Nebraska and Biden was in Georgia. Nice to be on offense. More: USA Today, Politico, New York Times, Washington Post

Today's clips

Twenty former U.S. attorneys — all of them Republicans — on Tuesday publicly called President Trump "a threat to the rule of law in our country," and urged that he be replaced in November with his Democratic opponent, former vice president Joe Biden.
More: Washington Post

America's deficit in goods and services now exceeds what it was under President Barack Obama. Steel and aluminum makers have cut jobs despite Trump's protectionist policies on their behalf. His deals made scarcely a ripple in a $20 trillion economy. For most Americans, Trump's drastic trade policy ultimately meant little, good or bad, for their financial health.
More: Associated Press

The president brought taxpayer money to his businesses simply by bringing himself. He's visited his hotels and clubs more than 280 times now, making them a familiar backdrop for his presidency. And in doing so, he has turned those properties into magnets for GOP events, including glitzy fundraisers for his own reelection campaign, where big donors go to see and be seen.
More: Washington Post

For millions of voters who considered using the U.S. Postal Service to cast their ballot for the Nov. 3 election, it's time to find a backup plan, election administration and postal experts say.
More: Washington Post

The wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas is using her Facebook page to amplify unsubstantiated claims of corruption by Joe Biden.
More: Associated Press

Over the past year, public servants across the country have faced similar ordeals. The targets encompass nearly every category of government service: mayors, governors and members of Congress, as well as officials Trump has turned against within his own administration.
More: Washington Post

 

 

 

 

 






 

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