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HOLLOWEEN

10.27.20

10.27.20

It's Tuesday. There are seven days ONE FUCKING WEEK until the presidential election. SCOTUS scares us as the newest justice joins a Trump rally, Jared gets in touch with his racist side and Trump just keeps superspreading.

Note: First things first. BECAUSE OF SABOTAGE AND SIGNALS FROM THE SUPREME COURT, IT IS TOO LATE TO VOTE BY MAIL. IF YOU HAVE NOT VOTED YET, PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU DROP OFF YOUR BALLOT AT A DROP BOX OR WITH AN ELECTION OFFICIAL. OR PLEASE MASK UP AND VOTE IN PERSON. THEY'RE TRYING TO STEAL THIS ELECTION. DO NOT LET THEM. 

Note two: Hey y'all. Sorry about that. We hate being all caps people, but that shit is important. Now where were we. Oh right, we were getting ready to unload on the shit-coverd corndog of a day that was yesterday. So we're not gonna sugarcoat it. Yesterday and last night were a kick in the chops. And so much worse. And at first we were pretty damn despondent over it. As blue as we've been in ages. Not necessarily weepy, but definitely morose. And then we got mad. Like really mad. Like if this was any other situation we'd be like yo get in the fuckin car and let's go fuck some people up. And y'all would be like but TBS don't go what about your football scholarship you've got too much to lose. And we'd be like fuck that and besides newsletters can't play football. And then you'd be like well they don't have cars and get into fights either, dumbass. And then we'd try to change the subject back to the people we're mad at and you'd be cool with that because you respect our fire and didn't want to embarrass us. And then we'd make sure each other voted. And we'd make sure each other gave to some senate and House candidates. And then we would compliment each other's style. And then we'd make calls together. And then, what sounds good, ice cream? So yeah, yesterday was a broken glass thong, but we're in this fight and we've got each other. So for the next week, channel your rage, channel your sadness, fight harder than you've ever fought before. Because the only thing these fucking assholes understand is money and losing. We've already out-raised them. Now let's finish the job.

Note three: Imagine how exciting the water on the moon news would've been with President Obama or Biden or Hillary in office. They would've drawn our attention to it, brought in some young science students and said some inspirational shit. As it is we're all like sorry, NASA, but we kinda got our hands full with your bat crap crazy boss. It's like trying to appreciate a rainbow after someone has set your crotch on fire — it's cool but you've got bigger priorities at the moment. More: New York Times

Note four: Oh shit. We said the magic words that summon Don Jr — crotch on fire. No, Junior, not everybody feels a burning sensation when they pee and no, you're not welcome to hang out at TBS. This place is for cool people. Take that screaming sexually harassing lunatic your daddy is paying to date you and the fuck outta here. 

Note five: Fox News has been bitten by its own snake. And as luck would have it, we are fresh out of thoughts and prayers. Fortunately, we got a whole new shipment in of go fuck yourself. More: Washington Post, The Daily Beast

Note six: Speaking of shitty reporters, remember last week when everyone looked past NBC's Kristen Welker's Chamber of Commerce talking points on the minimum wage to praise her debate moderating skills? Yeah, well we're fucking over it. Yesterday on the Today Show, Welker did a package that used a Trump campaign attack on Biden to suggest he was losing it and called Trump "George." Except that's not what happened. He was talking to George Lopez. Yeah, that's a pretty major fuck-up, and NBC did the bare minimum when called out. So fuck NBC. Almost makes us wish Brooklynn 99 would go back to Fox. More: The Daily Beast

Note seven: Trump inspired some lunatics to kidnap and possibly murder the governor of Michigan. It really is stunning this wasn't a wall to wall story. Please check out her response in the Atlantic. More: Detroit News, The Atlantic

Note eight: It took the New York Times four fucking years to say Trump lies. If this was your watchdog, you'd give it away after the 20th burglary. More: New York Times

Note nine: Remember, friends, these are good Christians. More: Politico

Note 10: Check out this great profile of Team Biden's #1 malarkey hunter. More: Cosmopolitan

Note 11: Oh look at what Kaleighljk used to be before her full Trumpal lobotomy. More: CNN

Note 12: Remember when you just automatically used to think that doctors were smart? And then remember how Rand Paul cured you of that? More: The Daily Beast

Note 13: Need a little extra fuel in your fire today? Well here ya go… More: Bloomberg

Note 14: Ok, party people. Yesterday was a fucking nightmare, but it's over and all we got is today and the next week to save this country. Now we're not recommending you buy any gas station diet pills to help you kick your campaign coverage into high gear, but they did work for the trucking community for a long time. Just sayin'. Obviously we're mostly kidding. You're already working so hard, and we are enormously proud of you. Just keep it up. No letting up until we've flushed that orange piece of shit. We love y'all, and we hope you're holding up ok under the intensity of the homestretch. Have a great Tuesday, and keep kicking ass, rock stars. 

Note 15: A breaking news story while we were writing. A federal judge said we don't have to pay for Trump's rape defamation defense. We're sure the new rape-friendly Supreme Court will change that, but it's good news for now. And our endless thanks to E. Jean Carroll for taking this monster on. 

He likes beer

The drunken frat boy Trump, Mitch and Lindsey Graham put on the Supreme Court joined his conservative buddies yesterday in saying that Wisconsin votes will not be counted if they are received after Election Day regardless of when they were mailed. But the attempted rapist justice took it a step forward, arguing that state Supreme Courts don't get to decide this shit; legislatures do. And then, in a preview of a Trump tweet that came just a few minutes later, he made the asinine argument that winners should be declared on election night. Yeah, none of this makes sense. He also added in some serious errors that are really just embarrassing for a Supreme Court justice. But embarrassing the court is in style these days. That's why anti-RBG Amy Coney Barrett spent here first minutes as a justice appearing at a Trump campaign rally on the South Lawn of the White House exactly one month after a similar event caused a COVID outbreak. The courts are finished. Unless we fix them. The main takeaway from yesterday is that Republicans began executing their plan to steal this election. They're banking on Trump being up big with the in-person vote and then just halting the counting of mail-in votes with a Bush v. Gore on steroids. Don't wait to vote. Vote! More: Slate, CNN, CNN II

Ye and Cube's friend

Jared Kushner, the dingus who's criminal daddy bought his way into Harvard, said on Fox News yesterday that Trump is trying to help Black people be successful but he can't want it more than they do. He followed that up by dismissing the millions of Americans who protested this summer as virtue signalers. It was so racist even the NYT couldn't ignore it, and they're great at that shit. So look, we spent our adult lives thinking Ice Cube was one of the shrewdest people in show business. But he buddied up to Jared the Defective Sex Doll and hitched his wagon to a white supremacist who's trailing in the polls two weeks from the election. Guess he ain't that shrewd. Jared, you're a fucking scumbag, and we hope you spend the rest of you life covered in the golden shower of shame that comes from being a Trump. More: New York Times

Like a plague rat

Trump is spreading COVID the way he normally spreads hate, ignorance and rancid McDonald's farts. CNN reports that Minnesota has seen three outbreaks related to Trump events. Of course that hasn't stopped him from having them. And oddly it hasn't stopped the media from asking why Joe Biden isn't doing more campaign rallies. Well we can answer that: Because he's not a fucking idiot like the orange candidate. Seriously, Tapper. Seriously, Politico. You want to know why he's not campaigning more? Because we're in the middle of a deadly fucking pandemic that has killed more than 225,000 people. If America survives Republicans, will be damn lucky to survive our goddamn media too. More: CNN

Today's clips

The FBI has failed to produce a legally required report detailing the scope of white supremacist and other domestic terrorism, despite mounting concerns that the upcoming election could spark far-right violence.
More: The Daily Beast

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is under investigation for potentially violating a federal law that forbids federal employees from engaging in political activity while on duty or while inside federal buildings over his address to the Republican convention in August.
More: CNN

That is a lesson people in many other wide-open places have been learning as the coronavirus surges anew. Months after it raced in successive waves along the nation's coasts and through the Sun Belt, it is reaching deep into its final frontier — the most sparsely populated states and counties, where distance from others has long been part of the appeal and this year had appeared to be a buffer against a deadly communicable disease.
More: Washington Post

The Trump administration-appointed head of a key advisory council on the civil service has resigned over an executive order to strip away protections against political interference in hiring and firing for a large portion of the career federal workforce.
More: Washington Post

Faced with record levels of U.S. coronavirus infections and a new White House outbreak, President Trump declared Monday that the pandemic was "ending anyway," further tying his reelection bid to his ability to convince voters, including those at large rallies that defy health authorities, that the viral danger is fading.
More: Washington Post

A regulatory "firewall" intended to protect Voice of America and its affiliated newsrooms from political interference in their journalism was swept aside late Monday night by the chief executive of the federal agency which oversees the government's international broadcasters.
More: NPR

But with Trump trailing Democratic challenger Joe Biden and the coronavirus pandemic surging again, Meadows's uneven handling of the pandemic response and other West Wing crises has dismayed many staffers and campaign officials, who say he has largely proved to be an ineffective chief of staff, instead serving more as a political adviser and confidant.
More: Washington Post

 

 

 




 

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