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10.25.20

10.25.20

It's Sunday. There are nine days until the presidential election. A second wave hits the White House as Trump surrenders, the president shows Senate Republicans just how loyal he is and real POTUS brings the fire.

Note: Holy fucking shit we're in single digit days until we get to take our country back! Hey everybody! How the hell are you on this fine Sunday funday? No, we don't scale back the cussing for Sunday editions. We figure if God is watching Trump's dumb ass, then she's probably cussing up a storm too. So let's see... last time we saw each other the punditry and very serious reporters were raving about the president's new tone and wondering if he could "sustain it" for the rest of the campaign. So let's just take a look and see how that's going... and... oh... oh dear... oh good god…"especially a female socialist?" That's not so much a new tone as it is a diarrhea Hindenburg in somebody's mouth. And you know that dirty motherfucker has got the breath to prove it. Which is one of a kajillion reasons why we wish he would stop threatening to give a "big kiss" to every backwards shit-for-brains waddling over to his rallies. It seems like a cruel dare or some kind of torture. You must choose: Put this angry hungover rattlesnake in your pants or kiss the president of the United States. Ok, bro, give us all the rattlesnakes, and tell that creepy orange asshat to stay the hell away from us. Anyhoo, as you can see we're not super coherent on the weekends, but that's not going to stop us from delivering a newsletter or making calls or cussing, cussing, cussing the enormous piece of shit who is letting America die.

Note two: Like seriously incoherent, right? Sorry about that. We'll probably hit a groove by like Note Eight.

Note three: Well hello there, new favorite story. This one is about a Vegas-based dominatrix who is doing "Trump Conversion Therapy" on Trump supporters to get them to vote for Biden. You really have to praise the innovative forms of patriotism that have been unleashed in this country. We salute you, Empress Delfina. So weird, but that was our grandmother's name too. More: The Daily Beast

Note four: Republicans never stopped taking money from credibly accused serial rapist and harasser Steve Wynn. Yeah, it's pretty goddamn gross, but it can probably be overcome if Trump just keeps yelling, "Love me, suburban housewives!" More: NPR

Note five: WaPo did a deep dive on one of Trump's longest told and most infuriating lies. Really a fucking shame the White House press waited until the end to remember that they're there to call out lying. More: Washington Post

Note six: Miami's mayor is a scumbag. More: Miami Herald

Note seven: How did we miss this?! Here's a Trump campaign spox saying that they can't unite the kids they stole from parents because the parents don't want them back. Damn that is some truly evil shit. More: Politico

Note eight: Here's our groove. Y'all. Trumpland wanted to spend $250 million of our money to bribe mall Santa Clauses, Mrs. Clauses and elves to say great things about a COVID vaccine and in exchange they would get early access to the vaccine. There really is nothing about this country that Trump won't destroy. In America, asshole, we like our mall Santas surly as hell and drunk as fuck. So take your scummy vaccine ploys over to the mall Easter Bunnies. Maybe they'll put up with this shit. And stay the fuck away from the Tooth Fairy, you degenerates! More: Wall Street Journal

Note nine: Hey look, Trump's trade war didn't work. Yeah, we're just absolutely shit ourselves stunned too. It's almost like he sucks at everything. More: Wall Street Journal

Note 10: So it wasn't antifa? Yep, Trump definitely sucks at everything. But when it comes to holding violent white supremacists accountable, it's pretty clear he sucks on purpose. More: Buzzfeed News, New York Times

Note 11: This has really been a fascinating story of how the Trump administration tried to fuck over 9/11 first responders by just straight up stealing from them. It has stayed under the radar, but the NY Daily News has stayed on it and gotten results. More: NY Daily News

Note 12: Republicans sure have a hard time pronouncing Kamala's name. So let's make it easy on them and just start calling her Madam Vice President. Maybe after a few years, these assholes will figure it out. More: Washington Post

Note 13: The Republican Party has officially gone crazier than a shithouse rat. More: The Daily Beast

Note 14: Ok that is more than enough notes for a Sunday. We hope y'all are balancing some self care with some kicking ass today. We're in the sprint, y'all, and we're ready to get nasty. So put on a mask and let 'em hear you, sexy patriots! Let 'em hear you! And we'll see you good people back here tomorrow. Love y'all! 

Note 15: Here's Fleetwood Mac's Dreams because that tiktok video is awesome and it's had us singing this song for days. Have a great Sunday. More: YouTube

Surrender

White House chief of staff Mark Meadows admitted to Jake Tapper this morning that "we're not going to control the pandemic." Yes, that is the opposite of what we've been told for months. Yes, it is an admission of surrender. And yes, it comes as the U.S. hits an all-time high for new cases and a second wave has hit the White House, infecting the vice president's inner circle. And he's still going to keep campaigning because they just don't care how many people they Herman Cain. But other than that, things are going great. We kid. President Newtone McDumbfuck spent yesterday telling rallies how sick he was of hearing about the pandemic and how the death toll is probably inflated. So yeah, if we lose this election, a lot — A LOT — of people are going to die. More: CNN, CNN II, USA Today, The Daily Beast, Bloomberg

Loyalty test

Now we know why Moscow Mitch's hands are purple — Trump told his members to go fuck themselves, so Mitch got to toobin'. Yeah, that's really gross, and we're sorry about it. Point is that Trump has largely abandoned endangered Senate Republicans, telling a fundraiser last week that it will be "very tough" to hold the Senate. Trump said he won't campaign for some Republicans because you "lose your soul" doing it. And now we're confused. Did he already do it, lose his soul and then decide he didn't want to do it anymore? This one has us stumped. But let's make him a prophet and take Senate control from grape hands. More: Washington Post

Real POTUS

We now we talked about this last week, but we just can't let these great Obama lines go to waste. Which one was your favorite?

"Joe Biden is tough. Something that you can't really say about this president. He likes to act tough and talk tough… but when '60 Minutes' and Lesley Stahl are too tough for you, you ain't all that tough."

"Show of hands — who here has a secret Chinese bank account?"

"The idea that somehow this White House has done anything but completely screw this thing up is complete nonsense."

"If he'd been working in the first place, we would never have seen the situation get this bad."

Hat tip to Kyle Cheney for collecting those quotes. And yes, they're all glorious. More: CNN

Today's clips

In her three years as a federal appeals court judge, U.S. Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett has consistently sided with police or prison guards accused of using excessive force, a Reuters review of cases she was involved in shows.
More: Reuters

Similar questions are flooding county offices nationwide, including many where residents have routinely voted by mail, said Hatch, who also chairs the election committee for the National Association of Counties. In many cases, the worries can be traced to baseless or alarmist statements by President Trump and posts on his Twitter feed. Others have been fed by headlines stripped of context and misleading reporting in the mainstream media, according to election administrators, voting rights advocates and experts in online communication.
More: Washington Post

In the days leading up to the Sept. 30 event in Duluth, Minn., local officials had privately pressed the campaign to abide by state public health guidelines aimed at slowing the spread of the novel coronavirus, documents show. In response, the campaign signed an agreement pledging to follow those rules, limiting attendance to 250 people.
More: Washington Post

As the 2020 presidential campaign hurtles toward a close, questions remain about a last-minute $10 million lifeline Trump threw to his previous campaign, the one that catapulted him into the presidency.
More: Buzzfeed News

President Donald Trump's personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani was offered salacious photos and other documents belonging to Joe Biden's son Hunter in the spring of 2019, earlier than previously known, according to one of Giuliani's closest former associates.
More: Politico

The head of the group that represents 385 Michigan police chiefs warned Monday that officers won't be able to enforce Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson's ban on openly carrying firearms at polling places on Election Day because the edict is not based in law.
More: Detroit News

Republican claims that Democrats would expand the U.S. Supreme Court to undercut the conservative majority if they win the presidency and control of Congress has a familiar ring.

It's a tactic the GOP already has employed in recent years with state supreme courts when they have controlled all levers of state political power.
More: Associated Press

In the next four years, Trump faces payment deadlines for more than $400 million in loans — just as the pandemic robs his businesses of customers and income, according to a Washington Post analysis of Trump's finances. The bills coming due include loans on his Chicago hotel, his D.C. hotel and his Doral resort, all hit by a double whammy: Trump's political career slowed their business, then the pandemic ground it down much further.
More: Washington Post

Judging by Trump's reaction, he may not have received the response he expected from Netanyahu, one of the president's most fervent global allies, less than two weeks ahead of the presidential election.
More: Washington Post

These highlights from Trump's nearly four years in office read like Vladimir Putin's wish list. Few countries have benefited more geopolitically from Trump's time in office than Russia.
More: Washington Post

 



















 

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