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10.23.20

10.23.20

Happy Friday. There are 11 days until the presidential election. Trumpland's Hunter Biden smear falls apart, Russia is seriously attacking our shit and Joe kicks some ass.

Note: Hey y'all. We're sorry if we seem distracted this morning. We thought the debate season was over, but it continued well into the morning hours here at TBS HQ. We just couldn't decide. Should we completely lose our shit and spend today's TBS talking about the predictable cowardice of the new tone crowd? Should we focus on the positive and what a great job our candidate did? Should we do another riff about Rudy giving himself a low five? We decided to go with option B. And some C here and there because we're never gonna stop making fun of Randy Rudy and his wandering hand. Yes, the punditry sucks. Sucks ass. Sucks goat ass! They're out of touch, and they don't have the first fucking clue how much people are hurting. They don't even know enough to be embarrassed. (This is us not talking about it). But Joe. Oh our magnificent Joe. Joe has done everything we could've asked of him. Whether it's fundraising or picking a running mate or messaging or his debate and townhall performances, Joe Biden has risen to the occasion, exceeding our expectations at every turn. We needed a champion, and Joe has stepped up to fill that role. Now it's up to us. They've done what they can. Now we gotta bring it home. Let's do this shit. 

Note two: Whoa, whoa, Rudy. When we say "let's do this shit," that's not what we were talking about. Get your hands out of your pants, Mr. Mayor. There will be no shirt tucking in this dojo. We're not that kind of newsletter, sir. (The new Borat movie came out late last night on Amazon Prime.) 

Note three: As a reminder, we're bringing back the Sunday edition for the next two weeks. No, we're not heroes. We're just regular, ordinary, incredibly smart and good-looking super patriots. 

Note four: Easily our favorite moment of the night was Biden calling Trump Abraham Lincoln and Trump having no idea what he was talking about. New rule — if you're too fucking dumb to get sarcasm, then you're too fucking dumb to be president.

Note five: Yes, Kristen Welker did a good job. But it must be nice to not have to live on minimum wage so you can use Chamber of Commerce talking points to shit all over it. 

Note six: Our second favorite part was President Birther McCentralParkFive telling a Black woman that he's the least racist person in the room.

Note seven: The U.S. recorded 77,000 new COVID cases yesterday. That is most definitely not rounding the goddamn corner. But hey, Trump didn't interrupt as much last night, so we're sure it's fine.

Note eight: This super racist who spoke at the RNC seems like a really cool guy. Also, are Republicans really that afraid of Cory Booker? Isn't that like being afraid of yogurt? More: Chicago Tribune

Note nine: Y'all know we're big NBA fans around here. And some of us in legal states also like the weed. So we were thrilled to see that former NBA player Shawn Kemp is opening the first Black-owned dispensary in Seattle. Congrats, Reign Man!

Note 10: More than 50 million Americans have voted. That's more than we saw vote in the whole of 2016 early voting. If you're one of them, good job! But you're not done yet. Keep working on getting other people to vote. Like we said, vote and put some stank on it.

Note 11: "I hope that they end it. It'll be so good if they end it." — Trump talking about healthcare for more than 20 million Americans. More: Washington Post

Note 12: Man, remember Howard Schultz and his presidential run? Yeah, us neither.

Note 13: We're going note crazy today, and we don't even care. 

Note 14: Mitch McConnell is so rotten he's, well, rotting. Yeah, Moscow Mitch is becoming Maroon Hands McConnell. Either there's a portrait in an attic somewhere with beautiful youthful hands, or the devil is about to come take this soul he traded for 36 years ago. More: CNN

Note 15: Here's where Amy Coney Barrett will overturn Roe. More: CBS News

Note 16: If someone is videotaping you while you're in line or going to vote, take their picture, alert the authorities and then scream into the camera "TRUMP WANTS TO FUCK HIS DAUGHTER JUST LIKE HE FUCKED THIS COUNTRY!" More: New York Times

Note 17: We won't miss a single thing about Trumpland. Except watching Scott Baio make a complete fool of himself. Seriously, what a fucking loser. More: People

Note 18: Y'all know one of our rules around here is always read Garrett Graff. Another one is don't ever shake hands with Giuliani. More: Politico

Note 19: Holy shit! 19 notes is too many notes! We're sorry if we overloaded you this morning, and we hope y'all are keeping it together as the shit tornado hits town. But we know you are. Thank you for coming to hang out with us today. It means the world to us. Keep kicking ass, and know that we love you. Have a great weekend, and we'll see you Sunday.

Note 20: Fuck it! Let's set a TBS record. Here's the Peanuts gang rocking The Chain by Fleetwood Mac. More: YouTube

But his emails

The big Trump October attack fizzled like a Rudy Giuliani sexual liaison. The story Trump and his cronies were using to attack Hunter Biden went from a joke story in the New York Post to the editorial page of the Wall Street Journal yesterday. Kim Strassel, the same pathetic kiss ass who covered for Trump on Russia, raised some eyebrows when she picked up this bullshit ball and tried to run with it shortly before the debate. By the time the debate ended, the actual news side of the WSJ had completely blown up her theory and the attack as a whole. Oops. It's not every day you see reporters at a newspaper destroy their one editorial page, but if anyone had it coming, it's Rupert's rejects. More: The Daily Beast, NBC News

Russia, Russia, Russia

That was Trump's response to being called out last night, and it came just hours after a bombshell NYT report that shows Russian intelligence operations have successfully hacked into our local government networks and stolen data from two of them. Trumpland has known about this for weeks, but they still sent Ratcliffe out to say that it was mostly Iran and they were doing it to hurt Trump. This is bad, y'all, and we don't really know what to say about it. More: NBC News, New York Times

Go Joe!

We've already covered a lot of this, but we do want to say again how proud we are of our candidate. Especially when it came to the question about race and "the talk." That was a strong answer from a man who has admittedly had to do some learning and growing in this area. On the flipside, Trump went on with that bullshit that he's done more for Black people than Lincoln. Ok, bro. He couldn't talk about Black people. He could only talk about himself. And while that shit might work on Ice Cube, the rest of the world sees right through it. Oh and one last thing about the debates: Joe won. Every single scientific poll showed him as the winner. And when you're already winning the election and you win the last debate, well, that's what we call some magic sauce. More: Washington Post, Washington Post II, Politico

Today's clips

A spokesperson for President Donald Trump's campaign says two people who were dressed as armed security guards outside a Pinellas County early voting location on Wednesday were not hired by the campaign.
More: WFLA

For those who may have thought it was just a slip of the tongue, Bannon dispelled any doubt the next day. Speaking once more on his podcast, he claimed that at least parts of QAnon, which posits that Satanic cannibal-pedophile elites in the Democratic Party who drink children's blood will soon be executed at Trump's orders, are true.
More: The Daily Beast

President Trump this week fired his biggest broadside yet against the federal bureaucracy by issuing an executive order that would remove job security from an estimated tens of thousands of civil servants and dramatically remake the government.
More: Washington Post

The nation's top infectious diseases expert sharply split on Friday with President Donald Trump's assertion that the country is "rounding the final turn" of the coronavirus pandemic.
More: Politico

The Trump campaign's communications director asserted on Friday that the reason some migrant families separated by the Trump administration at the U.S. border have not been reunited is because the parents do not want their children back.
More: Politico

 








 

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