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10.22.20

10.22.20

It's Thursday. There are 12 days until the presidential election. Trump wants to fire Wray for not being Comey, a real president brings the pain as we get some real shocking COVID numbers and it's debate night, y'all. 

Note: Ahhhhhhh yeah. Hey there, sexy freedom fighters. We think y'all know what's coming this morning-ish. Sigh. Oh Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. What are we gonna do with you, you pervy cousin-banging freakshow. Tucking in your shirt? Suuuuure, babe. Whatever you say, guy. You have to put your hands all over her ass to do that? Is that the new euphemism we're going with? Man, toobin' off didn't even get a full week at the top. Yeah, when your longest running joke in a newsletter is about a guy doing his cousin and then that guy gets busted by freaking Borat with his hands down his pants in front of what he thinks is an underage girl, well, it's basically like a surprise Christmas here at TBS HQ. And if it didn't come with such traumatizing mental and emotional damage, we'd be over the moon. Maybe we're looking at this all wrong. Maybe we should be giving Rudy credit that she's not a blood relative. Does hallmark make a card for congratulating people who no longer dig incest? Or maybe we should try pouring drain-o in our ears to rid our poor brains of the image of America's mayor with his fucking hand down his pants. Either way, don't shake hands with that dude if you see him. But unless you're a Russian spy, an underage girl or one of his cousins, you're probably not going to see him. Also, credit to Sacha Baron Cohen. Dude is like a cross between Andy Kaufman, Superman and Chris Hansen on To Catch a Predator. And lastly, we want to thank Rudy. Buddy, nobody has been an easier target for our ridicule than you. Keep doing you, bro. But maybe stop trying to do everybody else. You're really skeeving us out. More: The Guardian, The Daily Beast

Note two: Goddamn it's like we're turning into the degenerates who run a cock-fighting circuit over at Politico. But this was one birthday we couldn't skip. Happy birthday to our fearless leader, Adam Parkhomenko. All he wants for his birthday is to never see Rudy with his hands down his pants ever again. Also, he wants you to make some calls in swing states today. And a Corvette. So please make calls so at least one of his birthday wishes will come true. 

Note three: Big news! We are bringing back the Sunday edition until the election is over. If you're looking at your calendar and thinking "hey, TBS, that's only two extra newsletters and y'all are hot as hell," well, you're right. And you're right. It's not that big of a deal, but we're needy as hell and we wanted to sound like we were doing something special so you'd like us. 

Note four: You know that column a couple of us write weekly? Well this week we wrote a second one, wherein we encourage the dumbest president in history to keep doing what he's doing. More: MeidasTouch

Note five: This is an important story out of Tulsa, and we'll be keeping an eye on it. More: CNN

Note six: We'll say it again — we freaking love LeBron. More: USA Today

Note seven: Um the U.S. is gonna designate Amnesty International as anti-semitic? Seems like a stretch when our president cheers on actual nazis. More: Politico

Note eight: Newspaper editorial boards have been especially cowardly over the last four years. So it's nice to see one finally stop mincing words. More: Washington Post

Note nine: We're just gonna tell you right now we don't give a fuck about what Joe Biden has to say about court packing. You know why? Because we're not Washington journalists desperate to look fair and balanced and more than 220,000 Americans have died from a deadly virus that is still going strong. 

Not 10: Senate Democrats voted Amy Coney Barrett being voted out of committee today. Neat-o. We're sure it was followed by DiFi giving John Cornyn a high five and her car.  More: Associated Press

Note 11: It's debate day, so we don't want to overload you with notes. And we figure you probably need a scalding hot shower after reading more about Rudy Qliani and his wandering hands. Take some deep breaths today. This shit is intense, and it can be easy to get all shaky and nervous. Like we are every damn day. But we're getting through this together, so y'all hang in there and damn the torpedoes. Love y'all!

On the level

So yesterday WaPo reported that Trump wants to fire FBI Director Chris Wray for not announcing an investigation into Joe and Hunter Biden. Yeah, Trump wants a Comey moment, and he's going to fire people if he doesn't get it. Not long after that, the FBI joined DNI and all-star Trump kiss ass John Ratcliffe to announce that it was Iran, and not the Proud Boys, who were sending threatening notes to Democratic voters. Ratcliffe then said that they were doing this to hurt Trump. And of course Trump was tweeting that out this morning. Yeah, you're right in thinking that doesn't make any sense. It's just more horseshit from the compromised leadership of our intel community. Our advice? Ignore what you hear from DNI. Don't be like a D.C. reporter and just blast out stenography on twitter regardless if it's true or not. More: Washington Post

O yeah!

We've still got the chills from listening to a real president peel a few layers of orange paint off a fake one. In case you missed it yesterday, President Barack Obama went to Philly, where he dropped some serious bombs on the guy who let 220,000 of us die. "I get that this president wants full credit for the economy he inherited and zero blame for the pandemic he ignored. But you know what? The job doesn't work that way. Tweeting at the television doesn't fix things. Making stuff up doesn't make people's lives better." Damn right, sir! The real president's return to the campaign trail comes as COVID is surging in America. Yesterday, deaths returned to the neighborhood of 1,000 Americans and almost 60,000 new cases. More: Washington Post

Debate night!

How do you catch de fish? With the debate of course. We're gonna keep making that joke until somebody fucking laughs. Anyway, tonight is the last debate between Joe Biden and that orange shitbreath, assuming the orange shitbreath shows up. Close it out, Joe. We got your back, and we're damn proud to be on your team. Also, keep your distance from the orange guy. You don't know where he's been. Or what he has.

Today's clips

Elledge calculated life expectancy for more than 200,000 Americans who have died of COVID-19 and made two surprising findings: COVID-19 has cost Americans 2.5 million years of life – about as much as from six months of cancer deaths. And roughly half that loss has come from people who died in middle age, not their waning years.
More: USA Today

Almost 21,000 Election Day polling places have been eliminated heading into the 2020 U.S. election, a drastic dip in voting locations driven by a heavy shift to mail voting, coronavirus-related consolidations, cost-cutting measures, and voter suppression.
More: Vice

Texas social workers can now turn away LGBTQ clients and those with a disability.
More: NBC News

U.S. Secret Service agents have charged a Maryland man with threatening a presidential candidate, saying he wrote a letter in which he warns of beating "Grandpa Biden," raping Sen. Kamala Harris and targeting the supporters of the Democrats.
More: Baltimore Sun

On Oct. 7 and 8, the owner of The Alden South Hills filed eviction complaints against 44 tenants at the 1,050-unit apartment complex in Baldwin Borough, just south of Pittsburgh. The Alden South Hills is owned by Leland Point Owner LP, a subsidiary that was previously owned by White House senior advisor Jared Kushner up until March 2017. On March 30, Leland Point Owner LP transferred 100% ownership to AION Partners. AION management is currently managing the property.
More: Pittsburgh City Paper

Senior advisers to Joe Biden are preparing for the possibility that the Trump administration will throw up roadblocks to Mr. Biden's transition to the presidency if he wins the election, according to people familiar with the internal discussions.
More: Wall Street Journal

A divided Supreme Court on Wednesday reinstated a state-ordered ban on curbside voting in Alabama, despite claims from disabled and at-risk voters that making them vote inside polling places puts them in danger of contracting the coronavirus.
More: Politico

 

 

 

 

 









 

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