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Happy Friday. There are 32 days until the presidential election. Some COVID deniers get infected, the job recovery slows and Texas tries to kill democracy.

Note: LOL. So this is how October wants to play it, huh? Ok, cool. We can get down with that. Just give us a minute to take off our earrings and put some foil on our knuckles. Holy shit! The world is getting crazier by the minute. And while we're happy to see Democratic leaders doing the right thing and sending well wishes to the president and his horrible, horrible wife, here at TBS we are reminded of Clairee's great line from Steel Magnolias: "If you can't say something nice about someone, come sit by me." So yeah, we're fresh out of flowers, sympathy cards, thoughts, prayers and fucks to give. Sorry, Mr. President. But we'll make a deal with the tangerine Typhoid Mary — we promise to care about your health as much as you've cared about everyone else's. We promise to worry about Trump the way he has worried you might have killed Herman Cain. And really, we don't know why anyone is worried. A little bleach, a little hydroxy, a little sunlight and BOOM! It goes away like a miracle. Look, maybe we're being jerks about this, but it just seems like if lots and lots of good people are going to get this terrible virus, then it's only fair that these assholes get it too. After all they've basically been lobbyists for COVID. Now they just need to learn to make ends meet on minimum wage, struggle to find and afford quality childcare and worry about how they're going to pay for their healthcare and then they can enjoy the full America 2020 experience. Welcome to Trumpland, Trumps. You're gonna hate it. 

Note two: Did y'all hear those FLOTUS tapes? Yikes!!! She seems like maybe the worst person in the world. And it gets worse. We obtained a segment of the transcript that wasn't posted. Brace yourself. It's pretty ugly…

"And you know who I really hate is that motherfucking Easter bunny. Thinks his shit don't stink. And if I see the tooth fairy, I'ma fuck her up. None of these motherfuckers should fuck with me. I killed a unicorn in front of those fucking kids at the border just to feel something... But Melania, um, unicorns aren't real... Ok it was a fucking pony. You know I'm crazy. You know I don't give a fuck."

We do hope everyone who has treated this birther trash like some kind of innocent bystander will take a good look at what this dirtbag really is. More: CNN

Note three: In non-fucked up first family news, Joe Biden has smashed the fundraising record he set last month. Oh and you freaking badasses also helped Democratic candidates and causes raise more than half a billion dollars since RBG died. Freaking amazing. More: New York Times

Note four: These two scumbags are finally about to hear the bell toll and it's barely news because the wheels have come off America. More: The Daily Beast

Note five: This lady is gonna have some explaining to do. More: CNN

Note six: Yesterday, the president's former national security adviser said that the president is "aiding and abetting" Putin in attacking our elections. And once again it's barely news because America is a giant mountain of burning poo. More: Politico

Note seven: Y'all are gonna be shocked, but it looks like the kind of person who would date Don Jr. is not a good person. Yeah, surprised us too. More: New Yorker

Note eight: We missed Jimmy Carter's birthday yesterday, and we feel like real assholes about it.

Note nine: So we don't normally mention fundraisers on here because we want this to be a place where you can rage and laugh and nobody asks you for any dough. But we thought you might be pissed off at us if you found out we knew there was going to be a Spinal Tap reunion for Pennsylvania Democrats and didn't say anything. And if you've never seen the original, please fix that this weekend. You'll thank us Monday. More: Billboard

Note 10: Being an American these days is like being in love with a leper. Everytime you turn around, there's another part missing. What a fucking mess. Look, we know you are light years smarter than our dumbfuck president and his trash wife. So we don't have to say shit like wear a mask, social distance and take this seriously. We love y'all, and we sure as hell don't want anything that happens to that orange assface to happen to you. So do what you do every minute of every day and just be smarter than the president. Have a fantastic weekend, and here's the Peanuts gang singing The Chain by Fleetwood Mac. More: YouTube

Sick fuckers

Well, a whole mess of dumbshits have come down with COVID after downplaying it for months. These particular dumbshits just happen to be the president, the first lady, Hope Hicks and whatever that lady's name is that used to be a Romney. The worst part is they fucking knew Wednesday that Hope had it, and they still sent Trump out to a fundraiser with no masks and no goddamn sense. Democrats have been very classy in their responses with the Bidens wishing them well. The rest of us are fucking furious that this piece of shit and his garbage family might've exposed Joe. Anyway, if you're wondering how this affects the race, you're not alone. But it sure looks like one of the all-time presidential blunders to us. More: CNN


The October jobs report came out this morning and showed the numbers came in well below expectations as the recovery has clearly slowed. September saw 661,000 jobs come back and the unemployment rate drop to 7.9 percent, which as CNN points out, is the lowest it's ever been before a presidential election. While 51 percent of jobs lost during the first months of the pandemic have come back, there are still almost 11 million jobs lost. More: CNN


Texas Republicans are doing what they do best. No, they're not executing someone with the mind and brain capabilities of a child. Instead they're trying to destroy democracy and make it harder for Texans to vote. Notorious piece of buttcheek Gov. Greg Abbott announced yesterday that each county can have no more than one dropbox for ballots. Harris County in Texas has 4.7 million people and is almost 2,000 square miles. And the governor thinks all of them should use one dropbox. Gosh. That just doesn't make sense. Now why would he do that. Oh right. Harris County is 44 percent Hispanic and 20 percent Black. Now we get it. More: CNN

Today's clips

Records reviewed by The Associated Press show that donors with private aircraft have provided nearly $600,000 in private flights since July 2019 to Trump Victory, the president's big-dollar fundraising committee led by Kimberly Guilfoyle, a former Fox News star who is dating Donald Trump Jr.
More: Associated Press

Former Justice Department attorneys expressed concerns Thursday that Attorney General William Barr is using the power of the agency to help President Donald Trump win reelection, citing statements Barr had made about mail-in ballots and the politically fraught inquiry into the Russia investigation.
More: USA Today

With hundreds of mourners planning to gather in Pearland, Texas, on June 9 for the burial of George Floyd, local and federal authorities braced for "rioting and looting" in the Houston suburb — and they were willing to use deadly force.
More: Vice

Early in Tuesday night's presidential debate, President Trump claimed he had drastically lowered the price of insulin, a lifesaving drug taken in some form by more than 7 million Americans with diabetes.

"Insulin, it's going to — it was destroying families, destroying people. The cost," the president said. "I'm getting it for so cheap it's like water."

That came as a shock to the Americans who shell out hundreds of dollars a month on insulin, a number of whom posted triple-digit pharmacy bills to social media immediately after the president's assertion.
More: Washington Post

A national commission on policing launched earlier this year by President Trump and Attorney General William P. Barr has violated federal law by seating only people in law enforcement and failing to include members with different perspectives such as civil rights activists, defense attorneys or mental health professionals, a federal judge ruled Thursday as he halted the group's work. The commission also did not file a charter, post public notice of its meetings or open them to the public, so even though it has already sent its draft report and recommendations to Barr for release later this month, the judge prohibited Barr from publishing a final report.
More: Washington Post

The House of Representatives on Thursday approved a $2.2 trillion coronavirus stimulus proposal put forward by House Democrats with no bipartisan deal in sight, even as House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin have continued talks in an effort to reach an agreement.
More: CNN

The CIA and National Security Agency directors opposed U.S. spy chief John Ratcliffe's decision to declassify and send to a top Republican lawmaker unverified Russian intelligence that may have been fabricated, according to current and former U.S. officials.
More: Reuters

Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney said Wednesday that the city is preparing for the possibility that supporters of President Donald Trump will try to intimidate voters on Election Day, after Trump falsely singled out in Tuesday night's debate it as rife with voter fraud, and reiterated a call to supporters to monitor polling places in the overwhelmingly Democratic city.
More: Philadelphia Inquirer


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