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10.15.20

10.15.20

It's Thursday. There are 19 days until the presidential election. Team Trump gave investors a warning on COVID, social media companies finally do something right and Team Biden puts up a big goddamn number.

Note: Hey everybody! Feeling sexy today? Well it won't last much longer because America has had a case of explosive news diarrhea this morning. First and foremost, we are sending our best wishes to Kamala and her team. They were grounded after aides tested positive for COVID. We're sending real thoughts and prayers, Team Kamala, and not that bullshit we sent when Trump got sick. In other news, we're feeling a bit cheeky this morning-ish. Come close for a second. We're gonna tell you a little secret. [In an exaggerated whisper] We've started wearing rubber underwear. Yes, newsletters wear underwear. Well, some newsletters do. And so we're wearing rubber underwear. It's not a kink. Frankly we don't even know if newsletters can have kinks. But we do know they can pee themselves. Crazy right? Yeah, we keep having to change our newsletter pants because we keep seeing polls with Joe Biden leading by double digits and pissing all over ourselves like a 1980s lawn water toy. It's the Democratic way, right? So we just said fuck it. We can't keep throwing away newsletters pants, so we invested in rubber newsletter underwear. You really can find anything on the internet. Anyway, it's really easy to clean after we piss all over ourselves and it has the added benefit of softening the sound of our knees knocking together. Of course there is another solution we're considering — ignoring the fuck out of polls and working our asses off until this thing is done. You know what? We're gonna go with both. It turns out newsletters can have kinks. And TBS's kink is winning. And apparently rubber underwear. More: CNN, Wall Street Journal

Note two: If it's cool with y'all, we're just gonna ignore the SCOTUS confirmation bullshit today. After Lindsey Graham thanked our people for being so weak yesterday afternoon, something broke inside of us. Thank you, Sens. Hirono, Klobuchar and Harris. DiFi, hang it up. You're a joke.

Note three: Steve Martin is the best. And because it's 2020, we can't be more than a few days away from learning that he's the Jaws's mother of Jeffrey Dahmers. Until then, let this delightful man make you smile. More: Buzzfeed News

Note four: Speaking of good news from SNL alumnus, here's some… More: Buzzfeed News

Note five: We were having some fun talking about polling and rubber underwear in the first note, but we want to draw your attention to something that Jen O'Malley Dillon said — "Early voting is already underway in many states. Millions of voters have already cast their ballots. But there is still a long way to go in this campaign, and WE THINK THIS RACE IS FAR CLOSER THAN FOLKS ON THIS WEBSITE [twitter] THINK. LIKE A LOT CLOSER." You heard the woman. We're acting like we're losing until something official tells us we won.

Note six: The Citrus Shithead is back to attacking Gov. Gretchen Whitmer this morning, telling Fox Business that she "wants to be a dictator in Michigan, and the people can't stand her." So now we know for sure Trump stands in solidarity with her would-be kidnappers.

Note seven: Also from this morning's interview, Trump said of the COVID situation in the U.S., "We'll be fine." The U.S. is now reporting more than 52,000 cases every day, which is the highest it's been since mid-August, and Fauci says we should probably skip Thanksgiving get-togethers. But yeah, asshole, we're just fine. 

Note eight: Even for a guy who banged his cousin, Rudy Giuliani is a special kind of awful. This is, by the way, the second day in a row a story has come out that demonstrated Rudy's awful racism and was largely ignored by the mainstream political press. More: The Daily Beast

Note nine: Trumpland hasn't saying some shit we never thought we'd say in a billion years. Here's today's example — Ice Cube can go fuck himself.

Note 10: Someone should show this story to the asshole who went on tv this morning and said we'd be fine. More: Associated Press

Note 11: Nancy Pelosi is negotiating with scum. So why are people who claim to be on our side trying to help the scum? We've got Nancy's back on this. The chickenshit caucus should too. More: Washington Post

Note 12: Damn. We're already at a dirty dozen of notes?! Well, here's an important one. Watch Joe tonight on ABC. Since NBC is pure hot fucking garbage, we have to send a message. So even if you're not a Nielsen family or not planning to even watch it, just turn it on and leave it on. And as for NBC, well, we'll still watch Rachel and Brooklyn 99, but the rest of that network can go fuck itself. More: The Daily Beast

Note 13: Seriously. Where does Barack Obama go for his apology? More: CNN

Note 14: Ok, we're gonna wrap it up. Hang in there today. Please wear a mask and stay the fuck away from Republicans. Just keep doing that voodoo that you do because you are kicking some serious ass and we love you. Have a great Thursday!

Insider traiting

We were going for a treason pun there, and we blew it. We're still trying to decide if "Jaws's mother of Jeffrey Dahmers" was funny or even comprehensible. Fuck it. It was hilarious. What's not even remotely funny is that Larry Kudlow's scummy ass was giving investors a heads up about how bad COVID was back when there were only 17 cases and they were telling us everything was fine. These people don't just deserve to lose an election. They deserve to die in prison. More: New York Times

Yay twitter?

That doesn't sound right. But damnit, yesterday they did the right thing when they refused to allow distribution of the latest Russian hack of American democracy, the one being pushed by the president of the United States and his scumbag personal attorney. Of course right-wing nutjobs who don't actually understand what censorship means spent the day in an outrage that they weren't allowed to share Russian propaganda attacking an American candidate. We see you, Josh Hawley. And we know which country you're really playing for. More: New York Times, Politico, The Daily Beast

Daddy Big Bucks

Yeah, we don't know what the hell we were going for there. But thanks to you and people like you, Team Joe put up a monster fundraising number yesterday, announcing they raised $383 million in September!!!!!!! They have $432 million in cash going into the homestretch!!!! Y'all are fucking amazing. One thing we really worried about early on was the enormous cash advantage Trump had over whomever emerged as our nominee. But look at Joe. Look at Democratic voters. And look at Trump's dumbass once again squandering millions. Woohoo!!!! But we can't let up because you know those dirty motherfuckers on the other side are going to want to fight long beyond Nov. 3. We gotta run through the tape! More: Politico

Today's clips

The California Republican Party said Wednesday it will not comply with the state's cease-and-desist order over unofficial ballot drop boxes placed in at least four counties, escalating a brewing political showdown ahead of the November election.
More: CNN

They came by the thousands to vote early, descendants of slaves, children of the civil rights era and other Georgians standing in line for hours when all could have been somewhere else.
More: Associated Press

President Trump has long seemed fascinated with the idea that herd immunity could provide an easy end to the coronavirus pandemic, even before his own diagnosis with covid-19 and his blithe declaration after he checked himself out of the hospital that no one should be afraid of getting it. "With time, it goes away," he told an ABC News town hall last month. "And you'll develop — you'll develop herd — like a herd mentality. It's going to be — it's going to be herd-developed, and that's going to happen. That will all happen." The neuroradiologist he brought in to advise on the pandemic response over the summer, Scott Atlas, has argued that rising case counts will bring the nation to herd immunity faster.
More: Washington Post

"I just want to punch him," Schultz said. "I always had to keep my politics to myself, but from where I'm sitting now? Those days are over."
More: Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

The gathering in Northern Virginia was organized by the Council for National Policy, a little-known group that has served for decades as a hub for a nationwide network of conservative activists and the donors who support them. Members include Ginni Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, and Leonard Leo, an outside adviser to President Trump who has helped raise hundreds of millions of dollars from undisclosed donors to support conservative causes and the nominations of conservative federal judges.
More: Washington Post

State police are investigating the incident in which Pennsylvania second lady Gisele Barreto Fetterman filmed a woman calling her the n-word outside a grocery store, the agency said Wednesday.
More: CNN

Public calendars from the University of Notre Dame's law school show at least seven additional talks not listed on Judge Amy Coney Barrett's Senate paperwork, including one with the law school's anti-abortion group, according to a CNN KFile review.
More: CNN

 















 

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