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9.8.20

9.8.20

It's Tuesday. There are 56 days until the presidential election. The orange team is having money problems, someone should tell Trump a deadly pandemic is killing Americans and the president once again attacks the military in a Labor Day meltdown.

Note: Hey everybody! Welcome to the sprint! Yeah, we're still overstuffed from grilling yesterday, and we might've pulled a hamstring laughing at the sinking boat people, but this is no time to rest. Labor Day has always been the traditional kick off of the campaign season. Now, we live in a doomed hellscape these days, so campaigns never end, but this is a fantastic time to redouble our efforts. We're gonna give more, we're gonna call more, we're gonna work more and we're gonna cuss more. Why? Because these dirty motherfuckers are trying to turn our fucking country into fucking Russia with fucking Trump as fucking Putin and we just can't have that shit. So let's give them the biggest of middle fingers and work our fucking asses off to boot these motherfucking scumbags right the fuck out of office. Sound good?

Note two: Man, we sure hope no kids or Pences are reading this. 

Note three: We keep laughing about the boat people, but we're also still laughing about the ramp. 

Note four: Y'all, we totally thought Trump was really gonna come through with a healthcare plan this time. Now excuse us while we go kick this football. We're 100 percent sure she won't pull the ball away at the last second… More: CNN

Note five: One of Trump's uglier kids thinks football is dead. Don't worry, Eric, you can still shoot baby elephants and fuck their corpses while real human beings play sports and stand up for each other. More: USA Today

Note six: Yeah, the whole having sex with baby elephant corpses was too much for us too, but you know these Trumps.

Note seven: Oh hell to the yes this sounds amazing. Anybody else like Golden Girls as much as we do? Adam is a total Dorothy, and the rest of us are combinations of Blanche and Rose. Ain't nobody at TBS cool enough to be a Sofia. More: NBC Los Angeles

Note eight: House Democrats are going after Louis DeJoy, who we discover over the weekend is a huge criminal. All he has to do is take a look at Bill Barr, and he'll realize he has nothing to worry about. Hell, we're pretty sure Wilbur Ross is still in the cabinet. More: Washington Post, Washington Post II

Note nine: Sully Sullenberger is pissed! He went on twitter and fucked up Trump like he was a bunch of birds. More: CNN

Note 10: This is a crazy time to be alive, but it's a fucking nighmare time to be the parents of school age children. A lot of you have kids who are starting back to school this week, and we just want to wish you good luck. Hey, it's more than you're getting from the federal government. 

Note 11: Well, y'all, it's time to make the doughnuts. We've got less than two months to save this country. To save ourselves. And there's nobody we'd rather be in this fight with than you. Except maybe Denzel. No, no, we'd rather have you, and we're sorry we even questioned that. We're gonna have to go through hell to win this thing, but we've got the numbers and the lovely distinction of being the actual good guys in this fight. So let's do this fucking thang. Love y'all. 

Mo(ron) money, Mo(ron) problems

Remember when Team Trump built a billion dollar death star that was gonna zap our nominee to hell and back? Yeah, like a lot of Trump stuff, he couldn't keep it up. And now Axios and the NYT are reporting that Trump's campaign is facing a cash crunch, which is crazy because their only using the campaign to pay the Trump family's legal bills, to pay for the Trump sons to have women who pretend to love them, half a mil to Trump's former bodyguard for hush money and Brad Parscale needs his ferrari. So anyway, this is all just endlessly fucking hilarious. Who knew the dipshit who bankrupted casinos was so bad at money? More: New York Times, Axios

190,000

That's how many Americans have died on Trump's watch from a deadly virus. Yet yesterday in his Labor Day meltdown, Trump got very angry when Reuters reporter Jeff Mason wouldn't remove his mask to ask a question, and this morning Trump was tweeting about how Democrats will lift lockdowns on Nov. 4 and they're just doing it to hurt him. Did you ever imagine we'd have a president who oversaw so much mass death and simply did not give a shit? Yeah, us either. Please keep wearing your masks and being safe. More: CNN

Keep firing, assholes!

We use that Spaceballs line a lot. Probably because the Trump people are a lot like the Spaceballs. In this week's installment, Trump walked to the North Portico of the White House to proclaim his innocence in the whole he-makes-fun-of-fallen-heroes thing and did so by attacking Pentagon leaders as greedy monsters who want money for defense contracts and endless wars. He might not be that far off on this one, but this combined with another round of shots at John McCain is sure a fucked up way to prove how much you love the military. Also, has anyone seen John Kelly? If you need something to feel good about this Tuesday, just know that while the president was pooping himself in front of the White House, your candidates were spending the day with actual working Americans in Pennsylvania and Wisconsin. More: CNN, CNN II, CNN III, Washington Post, New York Times

Today's clips

Thousands of absentee ballots get rejected in every presidential election. This year, that problem could be much worse and potentially pivotal in hotly contested battleground states.
More: Associated Press

But when asked by NBC News to provide examples of groups sending protestors by plane to cause violence, a CBP spokesman said there was no information to support Acting Commissioner Morgan's claim. Instead, the spokesman said Morgan was referring generally to the fact that many protestors at protests around the country are from out of state.
More: NBC News

The Democratic chairman of the House of Representatives Intelligence Committee on Sunday accused U.S. Attorney General William Barr of lying when he said China posed a bigger threat to November's U.S. election than Russia.
More: Reuters

The Nevada Supreme Court has ruled in favor of a former Wynn Resorts hair stylist attempting to dismiss a defamation lawsuit filed by former casino mogul Steve Wynn for his role in a Wall Street Journal story alleging a decades-long pattern of sexual misconduct allegations.
More: The Nevada Independent

Democratic vice presidential nominee Kamala Harris says foreign interference, doubt cast about the election by President Donald Trump and voter suppression could potentially cost her and Joe Biden the White House in November.
More: Yahoo News

For President Trump and his allies, it was a week spent spreading doctored and misleading videos.
More: Washington Post

 






 

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