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9.3.20

9.3.20

It's Thursday. There are 61 days (TWO MONTHS!) until the presidential election. Trump declares war on blue America, Bill Barr doesn't seem to know much about the law as the president encourages voter fraud and Team Joe puts up a monster number for August.

Note: Hey y'all! How are you this morning? Fired up, ready to go, pissed off, fucking furious and damn eager to kick some orange ass? Yeah, we figured the Obama '08 mantra could use an update for Trumpland, so that's what we're going with. We spent hours on it yesterday. Maybe not the best use of our time. But it's sure better than obsessing over polls that give us some bullshit sense of confidence. Yeah, let's take a sec to talk polling. We got a lot of it yesterday. Most of it pretty good. So what does it mean? Well, to be frank, not a fucking thing. Know what else doesn't mean jack shit? Having a good feeling about where things are going. Seriously, there are only three tangibles in this arena: votes, work and money. And you know what else?!! Whoa whoa whoa. That was all coming off a little more aggressive than we like around here. We'll leave the roid rage to that Dan Bonginothanks fella. Our point is, while these polls are making it easier to get some sleep, they don't count for a single vote. We didn't freak out when it looked like Trump was getting a convention bump, and we're not celebrating that the polls show us leading. You know why? Because not a single goddamn vote has been counted, and unless Biden wins in a landslide, we could very much be in for some violence and a national crack-up. So yeah, these polls don't mean a damn thing. Aren't you glad you joined us this morning for some sunny optimism. Sorry about that. More: Washington Post, Washington Post II

Note two: We are clearly being crabby, so we're gonna take Friday and Monday off. We hate to miss tomorrow's jobs numbers, but it's not like anybody will be talking about them by tomorrow afternoon. And yesterday we failed to make jokes about that soup thing or wish Keanu Reeves a happy birthday, so we clearly need a little timeout to recharge the batteries. We promise to go all out down the homestretch. 

Note three: The attorney general of the United States does not think there's a race problem in policing. And as far as racism in general goes, he said "I don't think it's as common as some people suggest." This is the answer to the question "What the hell do you have to lose?"

Note four: So we can't believe anything coming out of the CDC anymore. That seems like a problem during a pandemic. Folks, if a vaccine shows up just before the election, well, we ain't trusting that shit. More: CNN

Note five: It got the Rock?! Should The be capitalized there? More: CNN

Note six: This is a member of Congress talking about killing Americans. Oh and then there's Trump friend Sheriff Clarke telling his listeners how to get away with murder. More: The Advocate, Media Matters

Note seven: We were going to make some jokes about Trump telling Sarah Hucakbee Sanders to "take one for the team" after Kim Jong Un winked at her, but it seems like a good way to get in trouble. So we're gonna ask you to do it. Just hit reply to this email and send us your best jokes about this. Please be rude and offensive about it. More: The Guardian

Note eight: Steve Scalise is a scumbag. Steve Scalise has always been a scumbag. More: Washington Post

Note nine: This is cool and we love to see it, but isn't Gap brands still paying Kanye? More: CNN

Note 10: We were gonna skip Zuckerberg's big announcement today about election security because it doesn't actually do a fucking thing and Zuck is a goddamn liar. It's astonishing how credulous most reporters are with him. We're linking to the CNN story about it, but that's it. More: CNN

Note 11: We really appreciate y'all understanding as we take a few days off, and we hope you'll do the same. We're gonna hug loved ones while wearing full-body condoms (h/t Naked Gun) and fire up the grill. Then we're gonna go right back to doing everything we can think of to save this fucked up country. We hope you're able to take a little time to recharge, and we really hope to see you back here Tuesday. Y'all please be safe, be angry and be aggressive B-E aggressive. Love y'all!

"Anarchist jurisdictions"

Yeah, there's a reason that sent a chill down your spine. As part of Trump's latest "Fuck America, Win Re-Election" strategy, Trump signed a memo declaring war on Democratic cities, promising to withhold all federal funding from places like NYC, Portland, Seattle and DC. Oh and it's up to Barr to designate where the "anarchist jurisdictions" are. Now look, this is obviously illegal, and there's no way this actually happens. Unless Trump gets re-elected. Then all bets are off. But it sure seems like the people who live in those places should get to stop paying taxes if their government won't help them. More: The Daily Beast, Washington Post

Vote early; vote often

Trump went to North Carolina yesterday, you know the state where the GOP got in serious trouble for vote fraud? Anyway, while he was there saying the usual dumb and crazy shit that he says, he told the people there to vote twice to see if the officials catch it. That's a little like telling someone to steal a car to find out how good the local cops are. Both are quite illegal. Shockingly, the attorney general of the United States didn't seem to know if it was illegal or not when Wolf Blitzer asked him about it. Seriously. He said he wasn't familiar with the election laws in every state. He also made up some bullshit about why it's ok for Trump to send federal law enforcement to polling places. We sure hope the House Democrats' decision to give Bill Barr a lifetime free pass doesn't mean the end of the country. It was pretty funny watching Barr try to defend Trump's insane plane full of antifa theory and then admit he has no idea what Trump is talking about. More: CNN, Politico

GO JOE

Joe and Kamala raised $364 million in August! That shatters all records, and just holy shit. That is huge! Today Joe is headed to Kenosha. He's going to meet with the Blake family, call for peace and just generally be a more sane and decent individual than the dumb shit who trekked up there earlier this week. We don't know if he's going to win, but Team Joe is running a good campaign. And while it's disgusting to see MSM reporters pushing Trump's "basement" attacks as their own, it's nice to see a candidate who actually gives a fuck about killing people. More: CNBC

Today's clips

At the Voice of America, staffers say the Trump appointee leading their parent agency is threatening to wash away legal protections intended to insulate their news reports from political meddling.
More: NPR

The US debt is projected to exceed the size of the entire country's economy next year, the Congressional Budget Office said Wednesday.
More: CNN

President Donald Trump has been a conspiracy theorist for years. Perhaps never before, though, has he pushed so many conspiracy theories at one time.
More: CNN

Nearly a week since his speech at the Republican National Convention, President Donald Trump is insisting that he reached a bigger audience than Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden, despite Nielsen TV ratings to the contrary.
More: CNN

The House Oversight Committee subpoenaed USPS Postmaster General Louis DeJoy after DeJoy missed an August 26 deadline to respond to the committee, a House Oversight spokesperson told CNN on Wednesday.
More: CNN

The Trump administration remained largely silent Wednesday as leaders around the world expressed concern and demanded answers from Russian President Vladimir Putin's government over the revelation that a leading opposition figure had been poisoned by a Soviet-era chemical nerve agent. 
More: CNN

President Donald Trump's daughter-in-law Lara Trump knocked on doors in Florida on Tuesday for Laura Loomer, the bigoted conspiracy theorist and notorious internet troll vying for a seat in Congress.
More: The Daily Beast

 









 

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