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9.17.20

9.17.20

It's Thursday. There are 47 days until the presidential election. The president knows much more about vaccines and science than experts do, how a lunatic wanted to use a heat ray on protesters and Bill Barr goes full on comic book villain.

Note: Hello there, you beautiful beautiful freedom fighters! How in the heck is your week going? Oh right, we live in Hell's anus, so it has been a sucky week. Well the good news is tomorrow is Friday. The bad news is our dumbfuck president doesn't even give us the weekends off from his cruel craziness. But that's ok. We're planning to do a little retail therapy, and that usually makes us smile… for like five minutes. But we just have to get some new shit from Patagonia. We love them. We love their fleeces, their t-shirts and their swimsuits. But we especially love their commitment to saving the environment and democracy. If you didn't see it yesterday, some dude on twitter discovered an extra tag in his shorts (why does that sound dirty or like something a doctor should check out?). The tag said "VOTE THE ASSHOLES OUT." Patagonia confirmed it was real, and they just did it on some shorts. But now we want it on everything! They should make adult diapers and put the tag on there, and then we could give them to the president. It would give Lindsey Graham something to read. Anyway, Patagonia isn't paying us to say any of this (Full disclosure: They have contributed to our PAC in the past), but we love their shit and we love the way they talk shit so better sweaters for everyone! More: Adventure Journal

Note two: How the fuck are we so bad at this?! We should really think about changing the Democratic Party so that it's not totally and completely controlled by fear... More: Politico

Note three: Do you want to know why Republicans don't give two shits about COVID hitting kids? More: USA Today

Note four: Meet Yasser Sanchez, our Thursday hero… More: AZCentral

Note five: Mittens Romney wants so badly to be courageous, but he always comes up short. Yesterday he made news for stating the obvious -- Ron Johnson's bullshit is about politics -- and then he voted to authorize more investigations into Obamaland. But hey, he draws the line at Burisma. Sorry, dude, we're not as gullible as the Capitol Hill press corps. More: Associated Press

Note six: Awww, isn't this sweet? House Republicans stopped worrying and learned to love their latest Q nutjob… More: CNN

Note seven: Awww, isn't this sweet? All Republicans stopped worrying and learned to love a president who lied to the nation and let 200,000 of us die… More: CNN

Note eight: We'll talk about Trump's vaccine lunacy in a second. But first we wanted to talk about Joe Biden's hapless press corps. Yesterday, the ABC reporter trailing Biden pressed him on why he was undercutting the safety of vaccines. Yeah, she seemed shocked that someone didn't swallow Trump's bullshit whole. While this might look like a gaffe or a flaw to a hapless and gutless press corps, it is exactly the messaging we want to see from Biden. We could not have asked for a better headline here... More: Associated Press

Note nine: Remember when Trump said he wanted a "herd mentality" to cure us of the virus? If you answered yes to this question, you are not a member of the White House press corps.

Note 10: Another woman has bravely come forward to accuse the president of sexually assaulting her. We are getting close to 30. It takes so much courage to do this, especially considering how we've seen the political press corps largely ignore these stories. More: NBC News

Note 11: Ok, that's enough notes for today. We want to spend some time fucking with Trump on twitter because that's what he's focused on this morning even though another 1,000 Americans died yesterday from COVID. We hope y'all are getting through this week ok. We hope those rude motherfuckers at Politico Playbook finally left you alone and stopped siphoning gas out of your car while you slept. Have a fantastic day!

Here, drink this

Yesterday was a whirlwind. It started with the CDC director saying it would be next year before vaccines could be widely distributed. Then, as mentioned above, the press made fools of themselves with Biden. And then Trump came out and said hey the CDC doesn't know what it's talking about, the vaccine will be ready next week, you should not think about it and just take it. Ok, we're paraphrasing the Trump part, but it was just as crazy. And this morning, chief of staff Mark Meadows was on tv making the same idiotic claims and saying Redfield just didn't know what he was talking about. Yeah, this is fucking insane. Oh and dumbass also kept taking shots at wearing masks after Redfield said he a mask can be more effective than a vaccine. All in all it was a pretty terrible day for truth, medicine and America. Trump also said if you take out the Blue States, the death toll would be fine. That is of course evil and not true, but when has either of those things stopped Trump before. Our advice? Don't take any drugs the orange guy tries to give you. Smoke meth instead. It's safer. (We're kidding. DO NOT smoke meth, please) More: Bloomberg, Washington Post, CNBC

Sharks with frickin laser beams

Y'all, we elected Dr. fucking Evil except dumber. WaPo is reporting that before Trump and Barr's goons advanced on and gassed peaceful protesters in Lafayette Park, federal officials started stockpiling munitions and tried to get their hands on a heat ray device that makes its victims feel like their skin is burning. As horrifying as this is, it reminds us that the big tough guy hid in his bunker, and that always brings a smile to our faces. More: Washington Post

Barr the door

Bill Barr isn't losing his mind. That happened a long time ago. No, Bill Barr is just showing the world what he really is. Don't worry. Our party won't do anything about it. But at Hillsdale College -- it's like Liberty without the hot pool boys -- Barr attacked line prosecutors, said stay-at-home orders were like slavery and took another shot at Black Lives Matter. We also found out yesterday that Barr is pressuring prosecutors to charge protesters with sedition and that he wanted the mayor of Seattle arrested. The attorney general is a deranged zealot who is determined to use the powers of the federal government to protect our criminal president. And House Democrats gave him a free pass at every fucking turn. More: New York Times, CNN

Today's clips

Law enforcement and other officials in Rochester, N.Y., worked for months to withhold information about the death of Daniel Prude, a Black man whom police hooded and pinned to the ground in a graphic video that has drawn a national outcry, documents show.
More: Washington Post

President Donald Trump participated in a call about the high holidays with Jewish leaders on Wednesday, but it veered into a campaign pitch where he pleaded for more support from Jewish voters and repeated a line that has drawn criticism for being an anti-Semitic trope about American Jews' loyalty to Israel.
More: CNN

Seven current and former U.S. officials spoke with The Daily Beast about Derkach, his relationship to Trump loyalists, and the escalating warnings about Derkach's activities. Those warnings extended to leaders on Capitol Hill who learned that Ukrainians with ties to Russia were inserting themselves in the U.S. election. Last week, the Treasury Department blacklisted Derkach as an "active Russian agent."
More: The Daily Beast

The wide-ranging headaches that so troubled the USPS in April ultimately foreshadowed a summer of upheaval, thrusting the once-venerated mail service into a political maelstrom months before a presidential election. Newly disclosed details of these struggles are laid bare in nearly 10,000 pages of emails, legal memos, presentations and other documents obtained by The Washington Post from American Oversight, a watchdog group that requested them under the Freedom of Information Act.
More: Washington Post

On Wednesday, after POLITICO detailed Caputo's efforts to interfere with the weekly scientific reports coming out of the CDC and a disastrous rant in which he accused health officials of plotting against Trump, the 58-year-old spokesman announced he was taking a 60-day medical leave. HHS officials are left to assess the damage to their credibility at a time when they need the public to accept the safety and effectiveness of the coronavirus vaccine they choose as soon as next month.
More: Politico

 









 

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