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9.15.20

9.15.20

It's Tuesday. There are 49 days until the presidential election. A Trump/Putin aide loses his shit, DOJ's IG is going to investigate the Stone sentencing and Trump takes his Herman Cain show back indoors.

Note: Hey everybody! How in the heck are you? Oh good. We're fantastic. It's an exciting day here at TBS HQ. We're launching a new conspiracy theory for idiots. Except it's not a conspiracy theory at all. It's just dressed up like one to make the morons think they're in on a secret that only they are smart enough and cool enough to decipher. Basically the gist of our conspiracy theory is there's a giant pile of actual shit running the government and it's doing all kinds of fucked up stuff like keeping kids in cages, performing hysterectomies on immigrant women, selling arms to countries that drop them on school buses and so on and so on. Yeah, we're calling it PooAnon, and we're damn excited to see how many stupid motherfuckers fall for this shit. We're gonna make one of the secret handshake things that you have to wear some of your own poo on your face. Yeah, we can't stop laughing about it. What do you think? A month until Trump is bragging that he has always worn shit on his face? You can picture his supporters just sticking their whole heads in a public toilet just to show how much they love their president. "Mr. President, I don't even eat food anymore. I just eat shit because I know it makes you happy." And that's just Lindsey Graham. Anyway, tell your dumber, Trump-supporting friends to trust Poo. More: Law and Crime

Note two: Note one started out as a joke and now we're really thinking about it. What percentage of Trumpers do you think we could trick into thinking there's an actual giant turd controlling the U.S. government? 60 percent? 65? 

Note three: So here's an awkward transition from doodie jokes to actual important stuff. Please read the great Bill Russell on racism in America. More: The Players Tribune

Note four: It gives us no pleasure to criticize Dianne Feinstein, but she's a mess. We will never forget the way she sat on the letter from Christine Blasey Ford, and some of the remarks in this story are just stunning. More: Yahoo News

Note five: In Indonesia, they're making anti-maskers dig graves for COVID victims. Let's do that here. Someone get the orange asshole in the Oval a fucking shovel. More: New York Post

Note six: The scumbags at Fox tortured Seth Rich's family. They deserve to pay for it. In this life and the next. More: The Daily Beast

Note seven: The city of Louisville has reached a settlement with Breonna Taylor's family. There's a lot of good in here but none of it brings her back or arrests the cops who killed her. More: CNN

Note eight: John Fogerty was confused that Trump would play "Fortunate Son." Us too, brother. More: Rolling Stone

Note nine: You gotta hand it to Captain American. Dude accidentally shows the world his Matt Gaetz (ya know, a dick) and bounces back like a champ with a pro-democracy message… More: BuzzFeed News

Note 10: So as we wrap up the note section, we need to apologize. Last week, we made a joke about Winston Churchill's brother, Johnny, dying while trying to lick his own butt. We should clarify that Johnny is not a real person, and he did not die trying to lick his own butt. This is really on us. We probably should've looked up the Churchill family and seen that he had a brother named Jack. Anyway, we're sorry for the confusion, and we promise to skip next week's history lesson about Freddy Washington and his short-lived and not real experimentation with autoeroticasphyxiation. 

Note 11: We love y'all so much. The notes we get from you folks just mean the world to us. We hope this is a wonderful Tuesday for you. Please keep fighting the good fight and leaving it all out on the floor. We've got a country to save!

Mad man

Michael Caputon, the longtime Trump friend, former Putin PR guy and dear friend of Roger Stone, sure seems to have lost his shit. Maybe someone like that should never have been put in charge of communications at HHS during a pandemic. We've already seen him trying to fuck with the data, and last week we found out he was trying to muzzle Fauci. Now he's just straight up losing it. In a Facebook Live chat, Caputo accused CDC scientists of sedition and warned of violence and told viewers to stock up on guns and ammunition. Gosh, it sure is hard to believe that Trump let 200,000 Americans die with fuckheads like this running things. Sen. Patty Murray is the only Democrat we've seen calling for Caputo's resignation. Hey, White House press corps, maybe take this shit seriously, huh? More: New York Times, Washington Post

Stone boned

The DOJ IG is going to investigate why and how Roger Stone's sentencing recommendations were dropped. Barr's lackey confirmed the investigation and said they welcome it, and she has lied about everything so you know they're really sweating it. It really is something to see the DOJ IG being tougher on this shit than the House Democrats we worked our asses off to elect two years ago. Next time they promise us accountability, we should get it in writing. More: Politico

Deep breaths

Trump packed 'em in to another rally last night, his first indoor rally since the Tulsa outbreak that might have killed poor Herman Cain. Yeah, the president straight up doesn't give a shit if his people live or die and they don't really seem to either. This comes as more Woodward tapes drop with Trump warning over and over again how contagious and deadly the virus is and then telling the American public that everything is fine. He also said this morning that a vaccine could be ready in four weeks, which is absolute bullshit. But Trump is always willing to pick a fight with science, which is why he flew into a fiery hellscape yesterday and continued to make a fool of himself by challenging climate change. More: Axios, The Daily Beast, Washington Post, CNN, LA Times

Today's clips

House Democrats are launching an investigation into how Trump appointees have pressured officials at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention to change or delay scientific reports on coronavirus, citing POLITICO reporting that found political interference in the publishing process.
More: Politico

A supposed FBI raid on the home of an infamous Republican dirty trickster appears to have been a ruse—one that began falling apart even as its perpetrators managed to dupe a major national newspaper.
More: The Daily Beast

DeJoy, who now holds the position, gave President Donald Trump's campaign and the Republican National Committee more than $600,000 over eight weeks after the opening was announced, Lisa Graves, executive director of True North Research, which investigates the influence of money on public policy, said in written testimony submitted to a panel of the House Oversight Committee in advance of a hearing Monday.
More: Bloomberg

Children can and do transmit the coronavirus to members of their household, a new report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention confirms.
More: Axios

A digital ad released by a fundraising arm of the Trump campaign on Sept. 11 calling on people to "support our troops" uses a stock photo of Russian-made fighter jets and Russian models dressed as soldiers.
More: Politico

A federal judge in Maryland has ruled that Chad Wolf is likely unlawfully serving as acting secretary of the Department of Homeland Security and temporarily barred the Trump administration from enforcing new asylum restrictions on members of two immigration advocacy groups.
More: CNN

 










 

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