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It's Monday. There are 50(!) days until the presidential election. Trump takes his superspreader rallies west, Trump's Putin guy messes with CDC numbers and the president of the United States says police killed an American for "retribution."

Note: Well hello, gorgeous patriots. We hope you had a great weekend, but we also know you're living in Trumpland so your weekend probably sucked slug ass. Around TBS HQ, we did a little catching up on the news (We also watched Ted Lasso on AppleTV, and it might be the funniest, sweetest show we've seen in forever.), and what we discovered shocked the living hell out of us. How fucked up is 2020? Well we thought we knew, but then we learned that some dude from the Mighty Ducks is running for President. No, not the NHL hockey team, but believe it or not, that would make more sense. He's from the movie Mighty Ducks, and he's not Emilio Estevez. Apparently he's a child actor turned crypto guy so you know he's cool. Lol. Just kidding. Also, he gave a bunch of money to Trump last year. But he says he has a good reason. Anyway, next time we watch that movie, we're rooting for those assholes on the Hawks. Even they aren't trying to spoil the most important election in American history. What's next? The kid from Ladybugs hacks the DNC? Oh no wait that's why Scott Baio is in the parking lot with a saw. More: New York Post

Note two: We're glad we could start out this week with such obscure and dated references. But it's not our fault these scrubs are coming out of the woodwork to try and rig this thing for Trump. Now if you'll excuse us, we need to google the cast of Punky Brewster and get some mean jokes ready just in case. 

Note three: Speaking of sports, Colin Kaepernick still doesn't have a job.

Note four: Speaking of sports, NAOMI OSAKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! More: ESPN

Note five: We're beginning to think Peter Thiel is a creepy, racist piece of shit. No, wait, we've thought that for a while. More: Buzzfeed News

Note six: Ya know, we are just not fans of Mondays. Especially in Trumpland. But today is different because Alex Vindman called Trump a "free chicken" and we seriously can't stop laughing about it. More: The Atlantic

Note seven: America has poll taxes again. We're a fucking mess, y'all. More: The Washington Post

Note eight: Have to believe if this was a white church demanding an apology from a Democratic candidate, we'd be reading about it in every publication and watching it nonstop on cable. More: Religion News

Note nine: Kanye, dude, this is embarrassing. You're making the Mighty Ducks guy look like a real pro. More: Vice

Note 10: Oh, Susan. You are nothing if not predictable… and pathetic… More: Associated Press

Note 11: It's Monday morning, and we're already getting carried away with the notes section. Anyway, we're glad to be back with you, and we hope you have a fantastic week. We also hope you've already made a plan to vote, and you are annoying the living shit out of everyone you know to make sure they do the same. Tip: Avoid the douchebags in the red hats. We love y'all, and we're grateful you joined us today. Now let's kick some ass!

What happens in Vegas can kill you

Especially if you're hanging out with Trump people. Yes, dipshit has taken his Who the Fuck is Herman Cain? 2020 tour to the western part of the country, doing multiple dangerous stops in Nevada. He even did his first indoor rally since Tulsa, which caused people to get sick. When the kiss asses at the Sheldon Adelson-owned Review Journal asked Trump if he's worried about getting sick, he said, "I'm on a stage and it's very far away. And so no I'm not concerned at all." That's a real quote from a real dumb motherfucker. Today Trump is heading even further west to no doubt mock the pain and suffering of a region on fire. Those poor people are about to get an incoherent lecture on raking out their forests from a guy who thinks invisible planes are real. More: The Nevada Independent


Putin's guy at Health and Human Services -- no shit, Michael Caputo used to do PR for Putin and is now the spokesman at HHS -- got caught trying to fuck with CDC numbers. Yeah, last week we learned he had tried to muzzle Fauci and then on Friday, Politico broke the story that Caputo and other political appointees at HHS were demanding the ability to review and change critical CDC reports dealing with the pandemic. This was not the huge news it should've been. More: Politico

Well that's terrifying

No longer hiding his authoritarian impulses, Trump told that drunk ass Fox lady that a man suspected of killing two Trump supporters at a riot and was later shot and killed by police was done so for "retribution." Yeah, that's what he said. The remark came just a day after a witness came forward to say that Michael Reinoehl was eating a gummy worm when police opened fire. Again, this was not the huge news it should have been. In the same interview, Trump said he would put down election night protests easily and quickly, calling Americans taking to the streets for democracy "an insurrection." Yeah, we're scared, but there ain't no way that dumb motherfucker knows what insurrection means. More: Business Insider

Today's clips

Journalist Bob Woodward said Monday that he was shocked when he learned that President Donald Trump "possessed the specific knowledge that could have saved lives" in January.
More: NBC News

Vice President Mike Pence has canceled plans to attend a Trump campaign fundraiser in Montana following revelations that the event's hosts had expressed support for the QAnon conspiracy theory.
More: Associated Press

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is quietly relaunching his extravagant, taxpayer-funded "Madison Dinners" during the coronavirus pandemic, even as Congress scrutinizes his use of government resources to entertain CEOs, big-dollar Republican donors and television anchors.
More: NBC News

The House Homeland Security Committee has issued a subpoena to acting Homeland Security Secretary Chad Wolf for a hearing next week as he faces whistleblower allegations that he urged department officials to alter intelligence.
More: CNN

One of the four leading prosecutors chosen to be on President Donald Trump's law enforcement commission resigned last week after expressing "serious" concerns that the intention of the commission was not to bridge the gap between communities of color and law enforcement. 
More: CNN

An imminent Wisconsin Supreme Court decision on whether the Green Party presidential ticket has qualified to appear on the state ballot has upended election preparations and raised the prospect of a last-minute addition that could benefit President Trump in a state he won by a hair in 2016.
More: Washington Post

The state of Georgia has likely removed nearly 200,000 Georgia citizens from the voter rolls for wrongfully concluding that those people had moved and not changed the address on their voter registration, when in fact they never moved, according to a new report released on Wednesday. 
More: CNN

Federal regulators knew about serious safety problems in dozens of the nation's meat plants that became deadly coronavirus hot spots this spring but took six months to take action, recently citing two plants and finally requiring changes to protect workers.
More: Washington Post

Canada reported no new deaths from COVID-19 on Friday for the first time in six months. The last time the country reported no new deaths from the virus on March 15, at the start of lockdowns in North America due to the pandemic, Reuters reports.
More: CBS News

Federal prosecutor Nora Dannehy, a top aide to U.S. Attorney John H. Durham in his Russia investigation, has quietly resigned — at least partly out of concern that the investigative team is being pressed for political reasons to produce a report before its work is done, colleagues said.
More: Hartford Courant


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