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9.1.20

9.1.20

It's Tuesday. There are 63 days until the presidential election. Joe Biden condemns violence while the president has a bad acid trip, DHS tells a white supremacist that the government is working on mass arrests of the president's enemies and they're going to spend a lot of your money telling you to feel better about a deadly pandemic.

Note: Hey hey hey! If it's Tuesday it's time to play "How fucked is America?" As usual, the obvious answers of "very," "totally" and "so fucked" are not what we're looking for. No, on this show we give you four statements and ask you to tell us which one the president of the United States DID NOT do yesterday. Are you ready? Ok good. Johnny, please put :30 on the clock. Which one of these things did the president of the United States not do yesterday:

A. Say he thought the name Black Lives Matter was "terrible" the first time he heard it. 
B. Said people in dark shadows and in black uniforms on planes are controlling Joe Biden and the riots. 
C. Defend a double murderer. 
D. Comfort and aid a nation facing a deadly pandemic and devastating racial strife. 

Yes! The answer, unbelievably, is D. Congratulations! We're all gonna die! 

Note two: That wasn't as fun as we thought it could be. It's like a gameshow where if you lose they cut off your thumb and take a family member away. We're sorry, and we won't do it again. 

Note three: You'd never know it from the way we started today, but we occasionally get very nice notes from some of you and we just wanted to take a moment to tell you how much they mean to us. Sometimes when you're sitting in the dark writing jokes about Rudy banging his cousin or writing long screeds about how Mike Pence's real name is Mouth Penis, you wonder if anyone is even gonna care or possibly have us committed. And while we figure you probably tune in despite those two examples, we just want you to know we're grateful.

Note four: And since we're saying thanks today, we also want to shout out to our friends from up North. We have some readers from Canada, and we know how worried they are about us. Thanks for reading, and thank you for Alanis Morissette, Alex Trebek, the Mackenzie brothers and the Levy family. 

Note five: "The first time I ever heard of Black Lives Matter, I said, 'That's a terrible name. It's so discriminatory.' It's bad for Black people. It's bad for everybody." This was a real quote by the president of the United States last night. Remember in the first couple of years when white reporters would go on tv and say they don't know if Trump is a racist? Yeah, that will probably age well. Like cheese. Kept in your glove compartment. In August.

Note six: Speaking of August, that shit is like America's soft power and gone, baby, gone. For such a consequential American summer, it sure flew by. Traditionally, the homestretch in political campaigns kicks off Labor Day weekend. Of course we don't really do tradition anymore unless it somehow supported the Confederacy. But we are going to sneak away for one last break before we sprint down the stretch. So if you'll permit, we're gonna take Friday and Monday off. We don't feel good about it, but we know when it gets to October, we'll be glad we did it. 

Note seven: It's really interesting that Mike Pence was on standby to be sworn in as Trump went to Walter Reed and that Mitch McConnell fell asleep during a Russia briefing. But you know what would be even more interesting? If we knew about these things in real time instead of a NYT reporter saving them for a book so he can profit off the information. Folks, the press is not on our side. They work for themselves like everybody else in this fucking club. More: CNN

Note eight: If you're a basketball fan, make sure to tune in to Game 7 between the Jazz and Nuggets tonight. That shit has been a blast. 

Note nine: Trump is going to Kenosha today. If you pray, pray for Kenosha. Even if you don't, maybe pray for Kenosha. More: Associated Press

Note 10: NO, SHOOTING AN UNARMED BLACK PERSON IS NOT LIKE MISSING A PUTT.

Note 11: Let's get to the news, shall we? We're super eager to see what fresh hell today will bring, so let's not waste any more time. We love you, way more than Politico Playbook ever could. Have a wonderful Tuesday, and we'll see you here tomorrow.

wHy WoN't JOe bIdEn ConDEmN viOLeNcE

Yesterday Joe Biden traveled to Western Pa. where he condemned violence for the billionth time, and accused Trump of fanning the flames for his own political purposes. A couple of hours later, Trump refused to do the same, making excuses for a double murderer who attended one of his rallies and defending his goons who are shooting paintballs at peaceful protesters. It was really one of the greatest fails we've ever seen, and we're kind of shocked it hasn't gotten more play. But then we remember that only Democratic fuck ups count. But Trump wasn't done. He took his deranged sideshow to Laura Ingraham where the two talked about their shared dislike of Black people fighting for equality, and Trump revealed that he had eaten some bad shrooms earlier in the day. He didn't say that of course. But he did ramble on about people in "dark shadows" who wear black uniforms and got on a plane who are really controlling Biden. And while it might seem like some shitty psychedelics did this, it turns out the president is just a moron who believes the dumb shit he sees on Facebook. So yeah, America, we've got that going for us. More: The Daily Beast, NBC News, Washington Post

DHShitheads

Chad Wolf, the guy who thinks he's a soldier and was appointed to his position illegally, went on Tucker Carlson's show -- yes, the same show that recently had to fire an open white supremacist and earlier this week defended a murderer at length -- and said that he has spoken to Bill Barr about arresting people behind the protests trying to make America a better place. Yeah, this is some terrifying shit, y'all. As Tucker railed against BLM demanding arrests, Wolf said he has spoken with Bill Barr and the AG is "working on it." This follows something Trump said in yesterday's press conference where he said that DHS and DOJ are announcing a joint operations center to "investigate left-wing civil unrest." Folks, if we don't beat this piece of shit, a lot of us are going to jail. More: CNN, The Daily Beast

Feel better?

HHS, which is being run by former Putin consultant Michael Caputo, is going to spend $250 million of your money trying to make you feel better about a deadly pandemic. This is a real story. Yeah, they're launching a massive PR campaign over the next few months designed to make us all happy that we're living in a shithole where the president just surrendered to a deadly virus. We already feel better. It really is stunning that it never occurs to these assholes to simply use the money to actually combat the virus. The move comes as Iowa is seeing a big spike and we continue to lose about 1,000 Americans a day. Hell, we even know that the task force was warning Trump nonstop about how bad things were even as Trump was telling us everything was fine. More: Politico, CNN, Des Moines Register

Today's clips

President Donald Trump on Monday urged a federal appeals court not to let Manhattan's top prosecutor have his tax returns, saying "the deck was clearly stacked against" him, and said he would ask the Supreme Court to intervene if necessary.
More: Reuters

But according to Eckhart, her co-complainant Cathy Areu, and several current Fox News staffers—including one who also claims to have had an affair with the now-fired anchor—Henry's reputation for such workplace misconduct was long an open secret inside the network. And there's simply no way Fox brass had only become aware of the rising-star anchor's behavior just this summer, the women all claimed.
More: The Daily Beast

Jamarcus Glover, the focus of a series of Louisville police raids, including one in which officers shot and killed Breonna Taylor, was offered a plea bargain last month if he would say that Taylor was a member of his "organized crime syndicate," records show.
More: WDRB

The Trump campaign has been accepting thousands of dollars in donations from a notorious neo-Nazi leader and other racist extremists.
More: The Daily Beast

Current and former national security officials are raising concerns over Attorney General William Barr's recent decision to remove the head of a Justice Department office that helps ensure federal counterterrorism and counterintelligence activities are legal – and replace him with a political appointee with relatively limited experience.
More: ABC News

A backlog in naturalization applications at the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services is threatening to prevent an unknown number of immigrants like Muñoz from casting their first ballots this year. The delays have worsened amid budget shortfalls and policy changes by the Trump administration, as well as the coronavirus pandemic, which temporarily shuttered USCIS offices this year.
More: Washington Post

If an appeals court does not grant Congress access to President Donald Trump's financial records quickly, lawmakers will "almost certainly" miss their chance to review them before the end of Trump's term, House Counsel Doug Letter argued Monday.
More: Politico

U.S. Education Secretary Betsy DeVos has reported at least $170 million in outside income during her first three years in Washington, benefiting from her family's business empire that includes stakes in sports teams, movies and a son-in-law's company that contracts with the federal government.
More: DetroitNews.com

The White House and President Trump's reelection campaign on Monday circulated two videos that had been manipulated to negatively portray presidential candidate Joe Biden. Both videos spread widely on social media before being flagged as false or manipulated.
More: Buzzfeed News

Legal insiders brace for a world where Trump loses in November and the ex-president faces down a slew of reinvigorated court fights
More: Business Insider

 










 

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