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Today's Big Stuff

8.24.20

It's Monday. There are 71 days until the presidential election. White grievance week kicks off, the FDA gets Trumpified and it's time to stop calling those assholes pro-life.

Note: Welcome to Shit Week. America is about to endure a four-day Klan rally dressed up to look like apple pie and freedom. It's gonna suck. We're planning on taking lots of showers. We'll talk about the Convening of the Dumbfucks in the news section. But we want you to be prepared. Imagine a bird the size of a 747. All it does is eat rotten fish all day long. Well, almost all day long. For three hours every afternoon, when the sun is really scorching the day, this giant bird flies back and forth over an amusement park shitting its guts out. Oh yes. The roller coaster, the ferris wheel and even the goddamn bumper cars are violently painted with several coats of putrid fish guts bird shit. What about the log flume, you ask? Especially the log flume. But every damn day, we go to this amusement park. It wasn't alway covered in giant bird doodie (Ha! That corrected to Doocy). And besides, we were here first, and we know how kick ass this park can be. So for now, we plot and work daily to rid ourselves of this massive feathered shit bomber, then we will have to clean like we've never cleaned before. It will be like restoring a historical landmark Rose Garden that some dim witted human garbage birther completely defiled. It stinks like a bastard and it's really fucking gross, but it's ours so it's worth cleaning. But make sure you've got your plan to vote. Goodness knows we can't take much more of this shit. 

Note two: We're not going to talk about the eurotrash idiot who fucked up our Rose Garden. Frankly, we're too mad about it. And we're even madder that the pathetic kiss-asses at the Associated Press described it as "spruced up." More: Associated Press

Note three: That thing with Trump's sister is nuts, right? It's crazy how stories like that just blend in these days. Hell, we found out Friday about a secret tape of Trump saying some horribly offensive things to Black leaders, and it was barely a ripple. Pundits have decided that the daily awfulness from orange assface is just Trump being Trump and no big deal. Probably time to stop pretending there's a "liberal media bias." More: Washington Post, Independent

Note four: His name is Jacob Blake. He is a Black man in Wisconsin who was trying to break up a fight. Police shot him in the back seven times as he was getting in his car. His three kids were in that car. We have marched. We have cried. We have pleaded for change. And they didn't hear us. So we're gonna have to get louder. Mr. Blake is fighting for his life in a hospital. If you pray, pray for Blake. If you pray, pray for an end to this nightmare. More: CNN, Washington Post

Note five: A real leader has thoughts on Goodyear… More: USA Today

Note six: Remember when Ric Grennell said we were the real homophobes because we called him a gutless, anti-American bootlick? We're guessing he won't mention this at his convention address this week. More: ABC News

Note seven: Just in case you need to be reminded why you're on this side of things… More: NBC News

Note eight: So we're officially a shithole now, right? More: Independent

Note nine: Congrats again to the organizers of last week's convention. We knew it was something special, and we've seen some numbers to back that up. More: Axios

Note 10: The people of Belarus are still in the streets, still fighting for their freedom. We remember a time when America would've had their backs. More: Associated Press

Note 11: Between this and Trump confirming that whole fucked up shark thing, Stormy Daniels had quite the week of vindication. More: Washington Post

Note 12: RIP Justin Townes Earle More: YouTube

Note 13: The notes are getting out of hand, but we'd be remiss if we didn't take a moment to say farewell and send best wishes to Kellyanne Conway, who is leaving the White House to spend more time with her messed up family. Of course, we wouldn't be us if we did. So instead we'll just say we hope the door doesn't hit your lying scummy ass on the way out, you drowned sewer rat cracked out sister of Eva Braun. You have done immeasurable damage to this nation, and we hope the stink of betrayal and failure attaches itself to you for the rest of your miserable life. And to reporters like Howard Fineman who used this opportunity to kiss Kellyanne's ass, we see you and we won't forget it. We hope y'all had an amazing weekend, and we just know you're going to have a fantastic week. Love y'all! More: Washington Post

Convention Weak

Who's ready to hear from the president's family, a bunch of racist criminals and the dumbest people alive? Yeah, we aren't either. But we'll tune in so we can write about it every morning. You are correct to fear for our sanity. We already know what a joke it's going to be because these fucking losers couldn't even come up with a new platform. So instead they're voting to do whatever Trump wants. We're not even kidding. That's their real plan. It's gonna be an ugly week with lots of lies and lots of degradation, and we know the national political press corps will badly fail this moment. God help us. More: Axios, Washington Post

Fucking Dumb Ass (FDA)

Desperate for some good news to run on, Trump convened the press corps Sunday afternoon to announce a big breakthrough. It was of course not a big break though, but it did reveal that the FDA has been corrupted. The simple truth about convalescent plasma is we have no idea if it helps or not. The FDA knew this last week. Then Trump and his henchmen accused them of being deep state and suddenly the administrator is standing on a stage talking about how great this is. Yeah, we're totally fucked. Meanwhile, the death toll is nearing 180,000 though it seems increasingly clear the real number is already well over 200,000. And fuckhead played golf again. More: Associated Press, Washington Post, Politico, Axios

Pro-life-ish

We got a smattering of new polling news over the weekend, and it continues to be good news that makes us really uneasy. Fortunately, there was a nugget in the CBS battleground poll that made clear just how fucked we are for a very long time to come. Overall, the poll found that the vast majority of Republicans love Trump and everything he's doing. Fifty-one percent of Republicans surveyed said that 176,000 deaths is acceptable. 51 percent!!! And 81 percent say there's too much attention being paid to discrimination right now! So there aren't very fine people on both sides. There's us, and there's the scumbags who don't give a shit if their fellow Americans die. Sounds deplorable. More: CBS News

Today's clips

The White House is formally opposing a bill introduced by House Democrats to halt changes to U.S. Postal Service operations until after the coronavirus pandemic and provide billions in funding to the beleaguered agency, one day before lawmakers return to Washington to vote on the measure.
More: The Hill

Facebook on Friday deleted a page using an image of LeBron James, among other deceptive tactics, to spread false and misleading claims about mail-in voting, a day after The Washington Post raised questions about the online operation.
More: Washington Post

The Department of Homeland Security's acting secretary on Sunday cast doubt on the department's authority to send its agents to polling locations after President Donald Trump said he would deploy law enforcement in November to protect against voter fraud.
More: CNN

President Donald Trump doesn't know much about QAnon because there are more important things to focus on, White House chief of staff Mark Meadows said Sunday.
More: Politico

More than 534,000 mail ballots were rejected during primaries across 23 states this year — nearly a quarter in key battlegrounds for the fall — illustrating how missed delivery deadlines, inadvertent mistakes and uneven enforcement of the rules could disenfranchise voters and affect the outcome of the presidential election.
More: Washington Post

Revealed: Jared Kushner's Private Channel With Putin's Money Man
More: The Daily Beast

One of the most successful elements of the government's response to the coronavirusrecession — protecting people on the margins from falling into poverty — is faltering as the safety net shrinks and federal benefits expire.
More: Washington Post

Smuggling gangs in Mexico have repeatedly sawed through new sections of President Trump's border wall in recent months by using commercially available power tools, opening gaps large enough for people and drug loads to pass through, according to U.S. agents and officials with knowledge of the damage.
More: Washington Post

The cremated remains of a U.S. Army veteran sent through the mail were delayed reaching their final destination for days, according to the late veteran's family, and they say Postmaster General Louis DeJoy is to blame.
More: ABC7

President Donald Trump's lawyers are trying to revive the Supreme Court decision that awarded George W. Bush the presidency in 2000 to fight mail-in voting practices for the upcoming presidential election.
More: CNN

Last week Donald Trump claimed that Joe Biden had abandoned Scranton, so we thought it would be interesting to do a poll of voters in Scranton to see how they feel about Biden and the presidential race. And as long as we were doing a Scranton poll we decided to do a Queens poll to see how people where Trump grew up feel about him too.
More: PPP

Black leaders know what to expect when they fight for change in Portsmouth.
More: Pilot Online
 

The attorney general, William Barr, told Rupert Murdoch to "muzzle" Andrew Napolitano, a prominent Fox News personality who became a critic of Donald Trump, according to a new book about the rightwing TV network.
More: The Guardian

On-time delivery for priority mail has continued to drop after a steep decline on July 4, an internal briefing for Postmaster General Louis DeJoy released by the House Oversight Committee on Saturday shows.
More: Axios

 

 

 

 

 

 











 

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