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Today's Big Stuff

8.19.20

It's Wednesday. There are 76 days until the presidential election. Dr. Biden says Joe can heal our broken family, the guy who broke it lies more about collusion and the guy wrecking the postal service wants us to believe he stopped.

Note: Happy hump day, you gorgeous motherhumpers! We are rolling through convention week, and it is a freaking blast. Sure, we miss the brutal hangovers at delegation breakfasts, and the endless drama created by 10,000 political reporters trapped in a security perimeter with nothing to do but be awful. But this virtual convention has been awesome. We saw the future of the party last night. A deep, beautiful bench -- something Democrats haven't always had. And how freaking cool was the roll call? The painful truth from a Nebraska meat packing plant worker, a young man from Maryland declaring Black Lives Matter, the bricklayer from Missouri, Khizr Khan still standing with the Constitution, Matthew Shepard's parents in Wyoming had us bawling and the calamari thing is still pretty funny. We don't want to jinx it, but this thing has really been impressive. And weird. It's so fucking weird and so fucking good. We keep being shocked by things that should be normal. Like isn't it a little surprising that Jill Biden is nice and smart and compassionate and isn't a birther? She didn't even call anyone horseface! It really is the anti-Trumpism. Whereas his endless degradations and offenses continue to shock us despite the mind-blowing consistency of them, the Bidens and the Harrises and a lot of other good Americans have become shocking in their normal decency. After almost four years of Oval Office abominations combined with a cruel and degenerate family reality show/crime spree, their basic goodness is almost a surprise. It's a testament to both how wonderful our ticket is and how low Trump has pushed the bar. So if you ever run for president, make sure to follow a racist, dim-witted gameshow host who let a bunch of people die. 

Note two: We love the movie the Sandlot. And the other day we were thinking about how Smalls can't catch at the beginning, so Benny tells him to hold his glove up and then the guy hits a ball into Smalls's glove. It's a neat scene in a great movie. But it got us thinking. What if Smalls dropped that sweet look of joyful surprise and immediately started telling everyone he was the baddest motherfucking baseball player of all time and they were damn lucky to share a diamond with him? We're talking about a dark movie then. As Smalls taunts the others, Ham Porter comes up from behind and takes him out with a Louisville Slugger. Benny finished the job with some spikes to the face, kicking out several of Smalls's teech. Sobbing, the team says nothing as they feed Smalls's lifeless body to the beast while Squints delicately flashes a knife and reminds them "you didn't see a fucking thing." You wouldn't like that movie would you? No, of course you wouldn't. But isn't that basically Trump. The ball landed in his fucking glove, and he thinks he's Donnie Baseball. We're sorry we forever tainted this beautiful innocent cinematic classic just to make a silly point you already knew. We really don't feel good about it.

Note three: If there's two things we love, it's politics and cussing. So we were damn disappointed in ourselves for missing Grethen Whitmer dropping a "motherfucker" when warning that it's shark week. Just when we thought we couldn't stan any harder. More: The Detroit News

Note four: Our friends at Democrats Abroad have a helpful guide for Americans who are voting from overseas and want to make sure their ballots count. More: Vote From Abroad

Note five: How does Jimmy Carter look better at 95 than we do at one and a half? Don't look at us like that. We're a newsletter, and we're going with the newsletter's age.

Note six: Laura Loomer is a GOP nominee for a congressional seat?! What a freak show. 

Note seven: You probably didn't see it last night, but as they entered the arena for their first playoff game, the Los Angeles Lakers were wearing red MAGA hats with "great again" crossed out and "arrest the cops who killed Breonna Taylor." They lost to Portland, but they still look like winners to us. More: CNN

Note eight: People on our side have got to stop fucking with AOC. She's an American success story, a brilliant orator and tactician and we should celebrate our young superstars instead of telling them to know their place. And NBC should be ashamed of themselves for trying to make trouble, but when you've hired Chuck Todd, shame isn't on the menu. 

Note nine: How different would Fox sound every night if we got Tucker some penile implants? Also, someone should tell that little bitch that Michelle Obama has no idea who he is. More: The Daily Beast

Note 10: Folks, this is very strange and you're not gonna believe it, but we just heard from Susan B. Anthony. Yes, it's insane, but she called us from a special phone in Heaven. So we had to ask her if she was happy that Trump pardoned her yesterday. Her exact words? "Fuck that asshole." Well said, ma'am, and thank you for calling. 

Note 11: We love it when our awesome friends get together and do awesome stuff. So here's Mary Trump joining Playboy's Brian Karem for his podcast. More: Just Ask The Question

Note 12: We hope y'all are enjoying the convention as much as we are. Sure it's weird, but what isn't these days? We live in a fucking nightmare, so it's normal that the walls are bleeding. We love y'all, and we're damn grateful you join us here to commiserate about how messed up everything is. There is strength in numbers, and we are fucking Popeye after eating some motherfucking spinach. Have a great day, be safe and keep kicking ass.

Night two

If you're like us, you thought there was no way they were topping Night One. And then they did. Sally Yates was freaking awesome, Marie Yovanovitch continues to be our hero, Ady Barkan made us want to fight with tears in our eyes, Stacey Abrams continues to be a star, the Jacquelyn Brittany story was so fucking cool (We love that she works at the NYT and Team Biden gave the scooop to WaPo. Well played.) and Dr. Jill Biden is the First Lady this nation desperately needs. She wasn't even wearing a coat with some esoteric bullshit that makes it clear she doesn't give a fuck! Thank you, Dr. Biden, for making us cry, making us hopeful and making us amped up super voters. Tonight should be pretty damn wonderful too. Tonight we've got Hillary, Kamala Harris accepts the nomination and President Obama will remind everyone what a real president looks and sounds like. Woohoo! If you need more of a contrast, all you have to do is read the Beast story linked below about how network execs are scared shitless of what the deranged idiots at the RNC might do on live television next week. More: Buzzfeed News, The Daily Beast, CNBC, Washington Post, Washington Post II

Oh yes, definitely collusion

The Senate Intel report didn't get the attention it deserves yesterday, but it got some which isn't easy during a pandemic or a convention. It is crystal clear that Team Trump worked with Russia to install him as president. Is is crystal clear they are trying to do it again. And it is crystal clear that Republicans are welcoming the help and lying about it. The whole report takes a giant shit on everything Trump and his idiot scumbag defenders have been saying for years, but they decided to just keep saying it anyway. Moscow Mitch has really earned his nickname. It will never stop blowing our minds that they found out about the Access Hollywood tape an hour before it posted, immediately said tell wikileaks to drop some shit on Podesta and they did. And America doesn't give a shit. More: Washington Post

No DeJoy in DeMudville

Yeah, we made that tortured pun on twitter yesterday, but we were so damn proud of it we thought we'd use it again. Louis DeJoy, the Trumpian anal wart who has set the postal service on fire in service of his orange hero, said yesterday that he will stop all the moves he's been making until after the election. Gee, that's swell, asshat. It's funny how people get when more than 20 states line up to sue them. Fortunately for us, after years of being lied to and looking like suckers, Hill Democrats immediately called bullshit and demanded to know if this fucker was going to undo all the damage he's already done. Shitface is still testifying in front of a Senate committee on Friday, and the House is still calling its members back for a vote on this this weekend. A few reporters have done a great job of laying out DeJoy's donations to various GOPers. They are linked below. We hope this guy goes and DeFucks himself. More: Washington Post, Washington Post II, Salon, CNBC

Today's clips

A federal major disaster declaration approved Monday does not include financial assistance for Iowans recovering from last week's devastating derecho, despite President Donald Trump tweeting he approved the state's application in "FULL."
More: Des Moines Register

Tens of thousands of Georgia voter registrations are on track to be changed to inactive status because absentee ballot applications mailed to them in the spring were undeliverable.
More: AJC

"170,000 dead Americans, would you still suggest that this has been a success story," askedCNN host Wolf Blitzer – referring to Kushner's characterization of Trump's response in April – to which Kushner responded, "yes."
More: Forbes

The Department of Veterans Affairs has been forced to find alternative ways to ship mail-order prescriptions for patients whose medication is delivered by the United States Postal Service, including FedEx and UPS, CNN has learned.
More: CNN

Cindy McCain is going to bat for Joe Biden, lending her voice to a video set to air during Tuesday night's Democratic National Convention programming focused on Biden's close friendship with her late husband, Republican Sen. John McCain of Arizona.
More: Associated Press

 














 

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