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Today's Big Stuff


It's Monday. There are 92 days until the presidential election (early voting starts in North Carolina on Sept. 4!). Trumpland still has no plan as the death toll closes in on 160,000, Congress raises warning flags about foreign attacks on our democracy and the whole world knows Trump is gonna cheat to try and win this election.

Note: Holy shit it's August! And it's Monday! And (looks down) we're wearing pants! Now be honest, how many of those three things would our dear president get right? Yeah, we're guessing 0-3 too. How the hell are y'all doing? How was your weekend? Oh that's great. Just be careful with those kinds of drugs around open flames. Us? Oh we had an awesome weekend thanks to you kind folks. We spent the weekend at TBS HQ with the Vote Tabulator 3000 because we got so many kick-ass responses to our first ever audience participation event. For those of you just joining us, what the hell? Where were you? Out galavanting around with that Politico Playbook again? We've told you they're bad news, and they're the ones who keep stealing your mom's jewelry. Do you even care about your future? Sorry, sorry, sorry. We got distracted. Last week, we learned from a Buzzfeed story about "the Groom of the Stool," some poor loser who during Tudor times would have to accompany the monarch to the shitter. So we asked the gorgeous patriots who read TBS who would be Trump's Groom of the Stool. The responses were amazing, and we had a blast counting them up. Here is everyone y'all said should be Trump's doodie dude, his squirts squire, his pee-stained main, his dump chump (Ok fine, we spent most of the weekend on these jokes). These aren't in any order because they're all scumbags -- Roger Stone, Mike Pence, Bill Barr, Lindsey Graham, Gym Jordan, Paula White, Ron DeSantis, Devin Nunes, Mike Pompeo, Matt Gaetz, Kevin McCarthy, Junior, Jared, the entire GOP and Stephen Miller. Now if you'll excuse us, our fingertips need a shower after typing those names. Gross! Third place was a four-way tie between Gaetz, Barr, DeSantis and the entire GOP. Second place, and this was really close, goes to Lindsey Graham and his ladybugs. And the winner -- BY A SINGLE VOTE -- taking the trophy over Lady G, is Gym Jordan. Yeah, he might not have a jacket or any sense of morality, but he is the TBS pick for Groom of the Stool. Congrats, shithead. You were born for this. We tried to take him his trophy, but he just screamed "I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT NO MOLESTATIONS!" and ran inside. Oh well, we're sure he'll take his new job very seriously. And thanks to everyone who played along. We love hearing from y'all. That was pretty fun. Who says you can't make a game out of the fall of America?

Note two: How dumb are the times we're living in? Even our geniuses are fucking idiots. More: BBC

Note three: Hurts to lose Wilford Brimley. That said, there is no good reason to talk about how old he was in Cocoon and how old we are now. 

Note four: Remember when you used to hear the term Navy Seals and be like oh cool those guys from that Charlie Sheen movie or the guys who got bin Laden or the best the U.S. Navy has to offer? Yeah, then Trump. More: Buzzfeed News

Note five: Speaking of which, this story came out Friday. Know what else happened Friday? It was Alex Vindman's last day at work because he was pushed out for doing the right thing. More: The Kansas City Star, Washington Post

Note six: As you read this story, keep in mind that the national press corps is likely just weeks away from carrying water on a Get Hunter Biden strategy. Go ahead and start being pissed off about it now. More: Washington Post

Note seven: Wanna see a devastating headline for a scumbag politician who totally has it coming? More: AJC

Note eight: This is how totes normal the Republican Party is these days. More: Washington Post

Note nine: Let's get to the news. We hope you amazing people have a fucking fantastic week. 

"New Phase"

Welp, the death toll is closing in on 160,000 Americans, and yesterday Birx refused to rule out 300,000 by the end of the year. But don't worry. Your dipshit president spent the weekend playing golf and retweeting idiot Q accounts. There is no plan. White House officials are still wrecking House Democrats' efforts to help the people who are hurting, Trump is tweeting attacks at Birx who was destroyed by Pelosi and Kodak got a bunch of our money to try and prove that hydroxy works. Yeah, it's all a giant fucking mess. Birx warned that we're in a "new phase," which is a pretty obvious lie because the old phase never ended. She also said the administration is recommending distance learning, which is quite different than Trump's scream tweet this morning to "Open the schools!" The good news is that Trump's testing czar is saying it's "time to move on" from hydroxy. The bad news is nobody listens to that guy. There's no plan coming, friends. We've just got to outlast Trump. So wear your mask, wash your hands and stay the fuck away from anyone with a red hat. More: Yahoo News, Washington Post, CNN, CNN II, NBC News, CBS News, The Daily Beast

It's coming

Last week the administration briefed Congress on threats to the election, and it took some pressure to get the assholes to admit that Russia is still working to elect Trump. And of course Trump is checking in on the phone with Putin once a month and doing everything in his power to make Russia happy. On Fox yesterday, Trump aide and well-known misogynistic scumbag Jason Miller was asked THREE times if the campaign has received any information about Biden from foreign groups or foreign nationals. He would not say no. They're coming for us. Be ready. More: Associated Press, Politico

Pumpkin eater

This is such a strange election. The challenge is way out in front and everybody watching knows that the only way the incumbent can win is if he cheats. So that's what he's doing. In plain sight. He is destroying the post office so our votes won't be delivered at a reasonable time. He's banking on his buddies on the court to stop vote by mail. Bill Barr is scheduling that bullshit Durham report for October no doubt. And Trump aides are working with Ron Johnson to launder Kremlin bullshit through the Senate. And that's just the shit we know about. We need reporters to start acting like the watchdogs they claim to be. More: The Philadelphia Inquirer, Politico, CNN, Washington Post

Today's clips

President Donald Trump is privately reassuring Republicans anxious about his deficits to Democrat Joe Biden, noting there are three months until Election Day and reminding them of the late-breaking events that propelled his 2016 comeback.
More: Associated Press

The vote to renominate President Donald Trump is set to be conducted in private later this month, without members of the press present, a spokeswoman for the Republican National Convention said on Saturday, citing the coronavirus.
More: Associated Press

A new report suggests that children of all ages are susceptible to coronavirus infection and may also spread it to others — a finding likely to intensify an already fraught discussion about the risks of sending children back to school this fall.
More: Washington Post

An unorthodox Houston doctor-minister whose promotion of hydroxychloroquine as a treatment for COVID-19 earned a retweet from President Donald Trump and a rebuke from medical experts is passionately defending her dispensing of the medication.
More: Houston Chronicle

The Census Bureau is cutting short critical door-knocking efforts for the 2020 census amid growing concerns among Democrats in Congress that the White House is pressuring the bureau to wrap up counting soon for political gain, NPR has learned.
More: NPR

The nation learned Thursday that the U.S. economy endured its worst slump on record this spring, but a larger problem now looms: The nascent recovery appears to be faltering in July, and lawmakers are more divided than ever over what to do about it.
More: Washington Post

The Trump administration is dramatically increasing fees for dozens of immigration and workapplications, including a more than 80 percent increase on naturalization applications and a first-time fee for asylum applicants.
More: CNN

But the Trump team sees an opening, plowing forward with front-line campaigning in key states as Joe Biden appears content to stay on the sidelines and hold small press events.
More: ABC News

It was a bold claim when President Trump said that he was about to produce an overhaul of the nation's health-care system, at last doing away with the Affordable Care Act, which he has long promised to abolish.
More: Washington Post

A retired Army general whose controversial nomination for a senior civilian position at the Pentagon was put on hold last week has withdrawn from consideration and will instead take an appointment that does not require Senate approval.
More: Washington Post

Facebook's fact-checkers on Sunday labeled as "partly false" a video that it said was manipulated to make it appear as if House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was drunk or drugged. The video had been circulating on Facebook since Thursday and by Sunday night had been viewed more than 2 million times.
More: CNN

The case is the latest violent incident tied to arguments over mandatory mask orders. But Zaborowski's reaction was driven by his own intense difficulty with the pandemic, his attorney claimed; before the shootout, Zaborowski had lost his job and had also recently lost custody of his child.
More: Washington Post

The United States is mounting the largest vaccination effort in its history — without a plan on how to reach racial and ethnic groups that have not only been devastated by the virus but are often skeptical about government outreach in their communities.
More: Politico




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