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Today's Big Stuff

7.31.20

Happy Friday. There are 95 days until the presidential election. A real president brings the thunder, Dirty Devin is doing the Kremlin's dirty work and Moscow Mitch and the GOP Senate invite unemployed Americans to go fuck themselves.

Note: Y'all wanna do some audience participation? Don't worry. We're not gonna put you in a box and saw you in half. Unless you just want us too. But you should know we don't know shit about magic so it would basically just be a grizzly murder. No, we just need your help with something. Recently we were screwing around on Buzzfeed when we should've been working, and we learned of the concept of the Groom of the Stool. Yeah, apparently in Tudor times, this person accompanied the monarch into the bathroom and helped them with whatever they needed. So that got us thinking about who would be the perfect shit bitch for Trump. So our question to you is this: If Trump had someone come in the bathroom with him to wipe his gross orange ass, who would be the pathetic loser who volunteered for the job? It's crazy how many choices there are among people who would be Trump's poop pal. So hit reply to this email and let us know. Is it Lindsey? Gym Jordan? Matt Gaetz? You tell us. 

Note two: Sorry if the opening note made you barf. You should know we cut a bunch of really disgusting and hilarious jokes because we didn't want to make you sick.

Note three: Did y'all see Jerome Adams yesterday telling Trump he looks like "badass" in his mask? Dude, have some self-respect. Just a little.

Note four: Did Mike Pompeo say he fought on the border of East Germany? Didn't that guy go to West Point?

Note five: This was the intro via Meek Mill that aired last night before the NBA resumed its season (that Lakers-Clippers game was a fucking blast). We highly recommend it. More: YouTube

Note six: RIP Herman Cain. This stuff is nothing to mess around with. 

Note seven: Sen. Ron Johnson, the same dirtbag who spent a Fourth of July in Moscow and is now leading the bullshit investigation into Biden, yesterday once again blocked Juneteenth from becoming a federal holiday. He is ineligible to be Trump's Groom of the Stool because he is the fucking stool.

Note eight: Eid Mubarak to all of our Muslim friends. Hope you're able to celebrate even though everything is a damn mess.

Note nine: We've talked about this a lot, and we're gonna keep talking about it. Trump put one of his donors in charge of the Postal Service, and that dirtbag is doing everything he can to destroy it so it can't deliver votes. It's really one of the more shocking things Trump has done, and it is endlessly frustrating that it's not getting more attention. More: Washington Post

Note 10: What a week! Y'all exhausted? Just an avalanche of messed up news all day every day. And yet you still look fantastic. We're jealous. We hope you have an amazing weekend, and thank you for joining us. How about some Peanuts gang singing Fleetwood Mac? More: YouTube

Preach!

That's what the crowd said as President Barack Obama went in on Trump, the Republican Party and their scummy efforts to keep Black people from voting. It was one of the best speeches we've heard in a very long time. We chuckled, we cried, we stood in our homes and applauded. If you somehow missed it, be sure to check that shit out. Because it was about goodness and decency, Tucker Carlson was furious. He devoted most of his show to attacking Obama, who he said is one of the "sleaziest and most dishonest figures in the history of American politics." Gosh, we're beginning to think Tucker has a problem with Black people. It's almost like he's an evil racist piece of rat shit. His parents must've been on the demon sperm kick. Rest in Power, Congressman Lewis. Thank you for making our world a better place. More: GQ, Washington Post, The Daily Beast

Moo, motherfucker 

Dirty Devin is at it again. Politico reported yesterday that Democrats learned that Devin was getting dirt on Biden from a pro-Kremlin stooge because they were accidentally given a copy of the DHL receipt. But Dirty Devin is clamming up and won't say if he got it or what he did with the illicit package. Does the Speech and Debate clause really let a scumbag like this get away with helping foreign governments attack our democracy? Get tough, Schiff. This isn't something to fuck around with. More: CNN, Politico

Mitch

That's really all you need to say. Twenty-five million Americans are losing their unemployment insurance today, and Mitch McConnell adjourned the Senate yesterday without a deal. Republicans have really made a mess of this. They waited months to come to the table, and then when they did, they brought a bill that didn't do shit to help people but did include lots of money for shit like a new FBI building and West Wing renovations. They can't even figure out what they want among themselves. Mitch said his only priority was liability protection, and now the White House says they're willing to cut that. People are hurting. They're gonna hurt more. And Republican Senators are the reason. If we can't message that and turn it into leverage that actually helps some people, then we need to go find new jobs. More: Axios, Washington Post

Today's clips

President Donald Trump's campaign has virtually disappeared from the airwaves as it undertakes "a review and fine-tuning of the campaign's strategy" as an official put it after the replacement of campaign manager Brad Parscale.
More: NBC News

A federal appeals court in Washington will take a second look at a judge's effort to scrutinize the Justice Department's decision to drop its case against President Trump's former national security adviser Michael Flynn.
More: Washington Post

Reports of Russian bounties targeting U.S. troops have spurred the Defense Department to action, triggered a leak investigation by the Justice Department and continue to be investigated by U.S. officials. By giving a total denial, as if trying to put the cat back in the bag, Trump earns Four Pinocchios.
More: Washington Post

Sen. Elizabeth Warren is calling on the heads of the Justice, Defense, Homeland Security and the Interior departments to commit to not using federal agents against protesters in American cities before and after the November election -- specifically in the event that President Donald Trump loses and refuses to leave office.
More: CNN

The Department of Homeland Security has compiled "intelligence reports" about the work of American journalists covering protests in Portland, Ore., in what current and former officials called an alarming use of a government system meant to share information about suspected terrorists and violent actors.
More: Washington Post

After President Trump ordered federal law enforcement officers into Portland, Ore., earlier this month, the protests largely ended the same way for days: with tear gas, rubber bullets and arrests.

On Thursday, the first protest held since the federal agencies agreed to pull back their officers was a markedly more peaceful affair.
More: Washington Post

Video of then-businessman Donald Trump struggling to vote in-person before declaring he would fill out an absentee ballot in 2004 has resurfaced this week amid a new round of unfounded attacks on mail-in voting from the President.
More: CNN

Once ignored, underfunded and often written off, Democratic state party organizations are harvesting record-setting cash heading into the 2020 election, reasserting their roles inside the Democratic infrastructure after suffering for years in competition with super PACs and campaigns.
More: Politico

A group of Iowa teachers have sent their own mock obituaries to their governor in hopes she'll revisit plans for reopening schools.
More: Good Morning America

As much of the political world went into an uproar over Donald Trump floatingthe idea of delaying the November election, inside the president's orbit, his Thursday morning tweet suggesting just that was seen as something far narrower and more strategically focused.
More: The Daily Beast

 


















 

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