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Today's Big Stuff

7.15.20

It's Wednesday. There are 111 days until the presidential election. The president holds a batshit crazy Rose Garden rally that obscures his batshit crazy interviews, the White House moves to politicize and hide COVID data and Trump surrenders on a scummy ICE plan.

Note: We can't believe it. We don't know how he figured us out. We just figured Trump is so dumb there's no way he'd ever catch on to our diabolical plan. But yesterday in the Rose Garden, as a river of gibberish flowed from his butthole of a mouth, Trump revealed that he was on to us. That's right, folks, our secret evil Democratic plan to get rid of all windows is now out in the open. Thank goodness he doesn't know that we've even given the campaign a name, Fuck the Windows for Joe. And God help us if the right ever figures out this is just Phase I of our plan to get rid of doors too. Phase III is chimneys. Of course none of this is true and all of this is stupid, but that's Donald Trump in a nutshell. But he sure did say that Democrats want to get rid of windows, and that's probably not even in the Top 10 of stupid/crazy things he said yesterday. But we'll get to that in a minute. For now, let's just enjoy the idea that some Fox loving Alex Jones-type moron is out there eating raw ramen noodles in his underwear and cussing under his breath about those fucking Democrats and how they'll have to take his windows over his dead body. 

Note two: Aside from the lies and lunacy, the truly appalling thing about Trump's rally yesterday was that it was a political rally held in the White House Rose Garden. That's obviously a violation of the Hatch Act, but the White House press corps gives free passes for stuff like that in Trumpland. But here's a bright spot to possibly look forward to. Imagine what an easy win it would be for a President Biden to simply start following the Hatch Act. Think Americans wouldn't respect a president who says we're going to take politics out of the White House? We often think about the nightmare of undoing all this damage that awaits the next president, but the silver lining -- and yeah, we don't know where we found this sunny optimism either -- is that dipshit has set the bar so low, that Biden could moonwalk over the damn thing. Hey! Did you hear about President Biden NOT calling his pornstar mistress "horseface?" You get the idea. Let's get to work and make sure this happens. 

Note three: Some exciting results last night. First and foremost, let's make sure we're helping Sara Gideon in Maine. Susan Collins has got to go. Second, holy shit did Texas Democrats ever turn out. We are total party poopers when it comes to spending money in Texas this year, but we are definitely intrigued by the numbers we saw last night. Easily our favorite nugget from last night comes from Politico's Ally Mutnick, who noted that Republican megadonor Kathaleen Wall spent $8 million in the Texas 22nd primary, and got her ass whooped. Even better, she had already spent $6 million losing in the Texas 2nd. And it's all her own money! Guess some people are so awful they can't even buy friends. Good luck to the Democrats who won last night. We're excited to help you take this country back. 

Note four: There were losers last night, and then there was a LOSER. Jeff Sessions. Boy, we don't know. What can you say about a pathetic racist Keebler elf who self-castrated and handed his removed junk to the president as tribute only to watch that president drop said junk in the dirt? And the unic elf kept kissing his ass! We've seen a lot of pathetic kiss asses in Trumpland. Lindsey is really pushing it to a whole new level these days. But nobody has degraded themselves as much as this asshole. And really, it couldn't happen to a nicer person. Fuck off, Jeff. The world has already forgotten your name. 

Note five: Both Mexico and Canada want to keep their borders with us closed. Y'all feeling that American pride, yet? It's like a damn Chevy commercial had sex with a Toby Keith song we're feeling so prideful in here.

Note six: So we're supposed to believe Peter Navarro is so dumb and so crazy that he penned an op-ed attacking Dr. Fauci without notifying the White House? Well, this puts us in an awkward position. Because he's definitely dumb and crazy. But stil, we ain't buying it. Just another cheap stunt from people who are in way over their heads.

Note seven: LAW AND ORDER! More: KSNT

Note eight: We sure hope y'all are holding up ok amid all the crazy. It's like every day it rains stupid, and every morning we call to check on the neighbors to make sure the stupid didn't bring down any trees or cause damage to the property. You're doing wonderful in some really awful times, and we're damn glad to know you. Have a great Wednesday.

Yikes

It was rambling and incoherent, but when it comes to Trump, that's not really the news. The Rose Garden thing was awful and scary, but we were far more taken aback by the crazy shit Trump was telling interviewers before that. When CBS Bill Barr buttlick Catherine Herridge asked Trump about Black people being shot by police, Trump got mad and repeatedly blurted out "So are white people!" Then he told her it was a "terrible question." He also defended that fucked up gun-toting St. Louis couple, saying "they were gonna be beat up badly and the house was going to be totally ransacked and probably burned down." That's a real quote from his interview with Townhall. When CBS asked Trump about the confederate flag, he said it wasn't about slavery. Then he went on to warn from the Rose Garden that Joe Biden wants to destroy the suburbs. Trump has always been a full-on racist, but now he's taking it to ludicrous speed (that's another Spaceballs reference. It's on Netflix, fwiw). All in all, it was a shit-filled diaper of a day for the presidency. The White House press corps didn't fare too well either. Five questions, one about whether he thinks he's an underdog, and not one about Russian bounties on our troops. Great work, everybody! More: CBS News, Washington Post, CNN

Be afraid

We knew this was coming, but it sure looks like Trump is making moves to cover up the real pandemic numbers. The White House has ordered hospitals to stop sending COVID numbers to the CDC, instead telling them to send them to Washington. And who confirmed this change? None other than HHS's Michael Caputo, the Trump kiss ass who used to work for Putin. We're not even kidding a little bit. So yeah, this is the scary shit we were worried about. A Soviet-style disinformation campaign designed to keep us from knowing how bad the pandemic really is. The good news is the U.S. is struggling with PPE again, Florida is more COVID than state, Texas is on fire and the president of the United States continues to argue that the real problem is too much testing. And the really good news is that the CDC is warning we're going to be in real trouble this fall and winter. So yeah, we're excited there's good vaccine news, but we're pretty fucking worried about how many people are going to die before it ever comes out. More: The Daily Beast, NBC News, Texas Tribune, Fox News, CNN, CNN II, WTSP

ICEholes

The Trump administration backed off a despicable threat yesterday, saying in court in Massachusetts that it would reverse a plan to deport visiting students if their universities went to on-line only this fall. It was of course a cruel and stupid policy that would hurt the U.S. greatly. Not to mention how awful it is to do that to these poor students while we're in the middle of a pandemic. It's sad that we have become such a mean and terrible place that we have to count shit like this as a win, but we were sure celebrating it when we heard. More: Washington Post

Today's clips

Kanye West has reportedly dropped out of the 2020 presidential race less than two weeks after announcing his bid for the White House.
More: Independent

Donald Trump is the damaged product of an absent mother and a sociopathic father.
More: Politico

A top Trump campaign adviser and lawyer who has criticized voting-by-mail and warned without evidence that it could lead to election fraud previously voted by mail at least three times.
More: CNN

President Trump called the decision by Los Angeles schools to not reopen campuses next month a "mistake" during a CBS News interview on Tuesday.
More: LA Times

Shortly after the first coronavirus outbreak ravaged a nursing home in Kirkland, Wash., the Trump administration moved to fulfill a longstanding industry goal — waiving the requirement that nurse's aides receive 75 hours of training and allowing people who study only eight hours online to become caregivers during the pandemic.
More: Politico

Houston Texans wide receiver Kenny Stills was arrested Tuesday during a protest march in Louisville, Kentucky, and is among 87 protesters who face a felony charge of intimidating a participant in the legal process.
More: Bleacher Report

Sound familiar? Just like President Trump, these Republican senators say they support coverage guarantees for patients with preexisting health conditions. And just like Trump, their records show the opposite.
More: Washington Post

They mess you up, your mom and dad, particularly when they are running for president. Which is why, in the all-or-nothing mudslinging battlefield of campaign politics, one rule has remained sacrosanct: the kids are off-limits.
More: The Daily Beast

President Donald Trump's harsh rhetoric against mail-in voting is causing a big problem for Florida Republicans, who once dominated the practice here.
More: Politico

The Washington Post found that eight people lost vision in one eye after being struck by police projectiles, including lead pellets packed in cloth pouches that were fired from shotguns. They were among 12 people who were partially blinded by police during a week of national unrest.
More: Washington Post

 

 


 

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