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Today's Big Stuff

7.10.20

Happy Friday. There are 116 days until the presidential election. Dollars to doughnuts Roger Stone gets pardoned tonight, Trump tries to blame Fauci and how the scum of the White House attacked Alex Vindman.

Note: Hey there, you gorgeous freedom fighters. You did it. You made it to another Friday. In Trumpland, that shit should come with a medal. But there's no way his dumb ass could figure out how to get us medals, so just have a margherita instead. Hell, have 20 of them. Because there is just no getting around the fact that everything sucks goat ass these days. America is being swallowed whole by COVID-19 and the president of the United States is serving us up buffet style. He is too dumb and too vain to change course, which means his approval numbers will continue to drop and the death toll will continue to rise. If you're a longtime reader, you might recall the comparison we made about Trump and the dog that stole a car. In that telling, a dog somehow, against all odds, ends up behind the wheel of a car. With its paws unable to manipulate either the steering wheel or the brake pedal, the dog is a real danger to the community. And deep down, even the dog knows that, so it's pissing and shitting all over the driver's seat as it struggles to keep its paws from sliding off the steering wheel. Many onlookers are too shocked to move, others raise a beer and cheer him on because "fuck yeah, dude, a dog is driving a car." But most people are scared and alarmed and screaming for someone to stop that car before it kills someone. Well, months later, we know how the story ends. The worst possible scenario happened. And it's obvious to everyone except the dumbest, drunkest idiots, that dog never should have behind the wheel of that car. 

Note two: As far as tortured metaphors go, that was some CIA dark site shit. We appreciate y'all sticking with us this week as our joke machine has been offline. We'll have a drink, smoke some bath salts, watch some funny movies and smack ourselves in the face with a hammer this weekend, and we should be good to go by Monday. 

Note three: Did Michael Cohen get sent back to prison for violating the terms of his release or because he refused to sign a release saying he wouldn't write a book or do media interviews? Hmmm. That's a tough one. Let's ask our friend Dr. WhoGivesAShit?. What's that? Ok cool. Dr. WhoGivesAShit? says who gives a shit? Thank you, doctor. More: CNN

Note four: We don't care much for Clarence Thomas, but he sure married a classy lady. We really admire the way she huffs the model airplane glue before using it to make crosses to burn. If this lady became a shoplifting meth addict who covers herself in leper shit tomorrow, it would be a shockingly positive makeover. More: Washington Post

Note five: It's really something to look at the twitter feeds of political reporters and see how exasperated they are that none of Trump's attacks are sticking to Biden. Trump is fucking up everything and Biden isn't and that makes political reporters feel like they're being biased instead of just reporting the truth. Expect them to get desperate. After all, Biden isn't going to "but her emails" himself, is he?

Note six: Anybody else kinda want to see Tammy Duckworth fight Tucker Carlson? We know, we know. Violence is not the answer, and this is a really dumb and immature idea that we should be ashamed of but we don't care because we'd really like to watch her knock the smug smile off Ken Doll David Duke's face. More: New York Times

Note seven: John Cornyn is just as bad as Ted Cruz or Mitch McConnell or people who steal wheelchairs and then sell them back to hospitals. More: NBC-DFW

Note eight: Pray for the people of New Hampshire. There's a disease headed their way. Also, there's a pandemic. More: Boston Globe

Note nine: We like to be team players, but we really hope Rep. Richard Neal loses. He's the coward who had the legal authority to demand Trump's tax returns, but decided to play politics instead. He's a weakling and part of the problem, and if he loses his primary, we will celebrate. We fear that when we look back on this time someday, we're going to be very angry that House Democrats did so little to hold this president accountable with the majority we gave them. Especially when we think about Bill Barr. 

Note 10: A 10th note! That's insane! Well, insane is a pretty relative term these days. We hope y'all are holding your heads up ok. We're all facing some unprecedented shit, so give yourself a little pat on the back for getting through it. We're all in this together. Except the scumbags who vote Trump, won't wear a mask and take shits in the shower. Love y'all! Have a great weekend!

Stoned out of his mind

So Roger Stone is getting his walking papers tonight. It's not confirmed, but it's pretty obvious it's coming. The hero of alt-right incels and South Florida swinger clubs is supposed to report to prison next week, but Trump is telling every reporter who's lazy enough to ask "will you pardon Roger Stone?" that poor dirtbag Wikileaks liaison Stone was framed and that the real criminal is President Obama. When it happens, this will be a new low point for a presidency that finds new low points by the hour. Roger Stone belongs in prison. That he won't ever spend a day there speaks to how badly America is broken and just how stained the American presidency has become. More: CNN

Sure, it was Fauci

On Hannity last night, Trump claimed that Dr. Fauci "has made a lot of mistakes," which was a lie. Trump has completely sidelined the actual expert as the pandemic rages out of control. Instead of doing something about it, Trump has turned his energy toward trying to force Americans to send their kids into an unsafe environment. This morning on twitter, he was back to threatening federal funding for schools that don't open. According to WaPo, Trump has decided he is the real victim in all of this. Fortunately for us, most of America disagrees. ABC/Ipsos has Trump's pandemic response approval at 33 percent. Yikes! More: Washington Post, Washington Post II, The Daily Beast, Slate, ABC News

Trashing a hero

Kaleigh WhiteTrashANanny -- sorry, we can never remember her name -- called him a "junior employee." Trump asked top defense officials to dig up dirt on him. Alex Vindman's retirement this week is a truly disgusting chapter in this presidency. It's a shame House Democrats didn't get more out of Milley and Esper on this yesterday. Alex Vindman is a hero. This country failed him. More: New Yorker

Today's clips

Virginia has eliminated a backlog of 2,665 untested rape kits that had sat on shelves in local police departments for years, state Attorney General Mark R. Herring announced Wednesday.
More: Washington Post

Republican senators up for reelection this fall in tight races have been unwilling to publicly criticize Trump as he continues to fan racial tensions and struggles to control a pandemic that has devastated the economy and killed close to 130,000 Americans. But they are being careful not to embrace him either.
More: Washington Post

The legal saga of President Trump's former national security adviser Michael Flynn continued Thursday when a judge asked the appeals court in Washington to revive his effort to scrutinize the Justice Department's move to drop Flynn's case.
More: Washington Post

The Commerce Department inspector general issued a delayed and harshly critical report laying out how political pressure originating from the White House resulted in the issuance of a poorly crafted and unsigned National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) statement on Sept. 6, 2019.
More: Washington Post

Rep. Dan Crenshaw of Texas suggested to an online audience this week that Sen. Tammy Duckworth of Illinois agreed with "the destruction of America," adding his voice to a chorus of Republicans who have questioned the Democrat's values since she suggested that protesters who opposed monuments to some of the Founding Fathers should be listened to.
More: Washington Post

Secretary of Defense Mark Esper confirmed Thursday that he had been briefed on information regarding Russian payments to the Taliban, seemingly acknowledging that Russia's support for the militant group in Afghanistan is not a "hoax," as President Donald Trump has claimed. However, Esper also made clear that he has not seen intelligence that corroborates claims that American troops were killed as a result of the "bounty" payments, walking a delicate line between acknowledging a well-known threat and potentially clashing with the President.
More: CNN

America's intelligence agencies risk slipping back into dangerous pre-9/11 habits, a recently departed top counterterrorism official is warning in his first public remarks on the matter.
More: Politico

 

 



 

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