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Today's Big Stuff


It's Wednesday. There are 118 days until the presidential election. Trump threatens schools and school children, Facebook really sucks and dipshit officially leaves the WHO as cases in the U.S. pass 3 million.

Note: So we have to admit something that isn't easy for us. We haven't been feeling very funny the last few days. You've probably noticed. While we pride ourselves on finding the humor in every dumbass thing Trump does, we are worried we're running out of jokes. Or maybe it's just an off week. So to supply today's funny, we give you Kanye West. Now Kanye doesn't appear to be trying to be funny in this interview with Forbes, but it is easily the dumbest shit we've ever heard a person say and that somehow includes Eric Trump. The Wakanda stuff is as hilarious as the Planned Parenthood stuff is disturbing. Can't say we're shocked that the guy who said 400 years of slavery was a choice has turned out to be such a dumb shit. Imagine being married to Kim Kardashian and still being the dumb one in the family. Yikes. So please enjoy, and we'll try our damndest to find some jokes for tomorrow. More: Forbes

Note two: Not for nothing, but we bet Politico's Playbook has never let themselves be that vulnerable in front of you. That's how you know there's real love and trust here. Playbook just uses people for their bodies. It's disgusting, and they should really grow up.

Note three: Shit. Even our Playbook jokes suck today. And we know how much that will please them because they get off on the failures of others. 

Note four: Something that definitely isn't funny. Breaking news this morning is that Lt. Col. Alex Vindman is retiring from the Army because doing the right thing and telling the truth fucked up his career. Is this a great country or what? It's a great reminder that real patriots with real courage paid a real price for doing the right thing, while our media has rewarded the coward John Bolton with all the free air time he wants. More: CNN

Note five: This is an important one from Kevin Kruse, noted historian and destroyer of that one felon Trump pardoned who thinks he's a historian but can't spell historian. More: Vanity Fair

Note six: Is anybody else really enjoying watching racist trash lose their jobs after going all racist trash on someone's phone? It's like a new pandemic hobby. "Ooooh North Hollywood Karen lost her job at Billy Bob's Insurance." There are some truly truly awful people among us, but at least we can enjoy watching some of them ruin their miserable lives. 

Note seven: Kelly Loeffler needs to lose her ownership stake in the WNBA's Atlanta Dream. They shouldn't have to play for racist trash. More: CNN

Note eight: Have a wonderful day. You're doing great, and your jokes are probably better than ours. 

Klass klown

The guy who had someone else take his SATS (h/t Mary Trump) is now threatening to cut off funding for schools if they don't open this fall and force their students to attend. Yeah, Trump and co. are really stepping up the intimidation efforts to force schools open even as the pandemic rages out of control. After the CDC came out with guidelines saying schools are pretty fucking dangerous, Trump said he "will be meeting with them." So it will be like the hurricane and the sharpie but with your kids' health. When Trump was pressed about specific plans to open safely, he made it clear he had none, saying "well, we have a long time to think about the school stuff." The really messed up part is that Trump and HHS Secretary Alex Azar keep saying it will be fine just like it's fine for healthcare workers. Um, fuckheads, healthcare workers have been crushed by this shit. If these guys were Democrats, they'd be getting hammered for being so out of touch with what's happening in America. But they're Republicans so the political press just assumes they're attuned to what "real America" wants. It's a great system and seems to be going really well. More: Associated Press

Zuck sucks

We'll never stop saying it. Yesterday, Zuck and Sheryl Sandberg met with the Civil Rights groups who led the boycott of Facebook. It went terribly. According to participants, Zuckerbet thought he would get points for just showing up while continuing to not care that he is the world's largest distributor of hate speech. That was followed up today by an audit Facebook commissioned that said that too many decisions at the company "represent significant setbacks for civil rights." But hey at least that oversight board they created won't be operational until November. We'll say it again: Zuck sucks. Facebook is garbage. More: CNN, CNN II, TechCrunch, New York Times

WHO's on first? Not US

Ok, as far as bad jokes go, that's hopefully our low point. Ugh. Sorry. Anyway, Trump world announced yesterday it is formally withdrawing from the WHO because they are just that fucking stupid. Meanwhile, the U.S. passed 3 million cases yesterday, 56 ICU units in Florida are overrun, Texas is posting new records daily and one in four tests in Arizona is coming back positive. Trump spent yesterday saying "we are doing a good job." When asked about Fauci's honest assessment that we're in a bad way right now, Trump disagreed but that's cool because he had an uncle who went to M.I.T. Now for the really bad news: The University of Washington is now projecting that the death toll will hit 208,255 by November 1. However, if 95 percent of the population wore masks or face coverings, that number would drop to 162,808. So it's going to be 208,255. America, we are lost. More: Axios, Washington Post, Washington Post II, CNN

Today's clips

Some White House officials are privately expressing frustration over President Donald Trump's recent embrace of a message stoking racial and cultural divisions.
More: NBC News

A top aide to Vice President Mike Pence and former spokesperson for the Department of Homeland Security questioned the need for immigrant-heavy neighborhoods — singling out Miami's Little Havana — according to a book released on Tuesday about the Trump administration's family separation policy.
More: Miami Herald

In a video posted online over the weekend, President Donald Trump's first national security adviser, Michael Flynn, is seen using phrases and slogans that are hallmarks of the baseless QAnon conspiracy movement. He also tagged his post with a QAnon hashtag.
More: CNN

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is recommending that voters consider alternatives to casting their ballots in person during upcoming elections, as states expand absentee and early voting options for November amid fears of spreading the coronavirus.
More: Washington Post

The nurses and aides at the Southeastern Veterans' Center in the suburbs of Philadelphia had watched so much go wrong since the start of the coronaviruspandemic. The communal dining that lasted into April, the nights that feverish patients were left to sleep beside roommates who weren't sick yet. "Merry Christmas," one nurse told another when they finally got N95 masks, weeks into the crisis and just before administrators stopped staffing the isolation rooms because too many people were feared infected.
More: Washington Post

New Hampshire Gov. Chris Sununu assured reporters Tuesday that President Donald Trump'supcoming rally in the state could be pulled off safely and without a mandatory mask order, even as he was unlikely to attend himself.
More: CNN

The top US general overseeing operations in the Middle East and Afghanistan said Tuesday that the intelligence concerning Russian operatives offering bounties to Taliban-linked militants was "very worrisome" but that the information wasn't solid enough to hold up in a court of law.
More: CNN

Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. suffered a fall at a Maryland country club last month that required an overnight stay in the hospital, a Supreme Court spokeswoman confirmed Tuesday night.
More: Washington Post

Joe Biden sharply criticized President Trump's campaign Tuesday for attacking Sen. Tammy Duckworth (D-Ill.), escalating a conflict between Trump and one of Biden's potential running mates who is a Purple Heart recipient and a double amputee.
More: Washington Post

Harvard and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology on Wednesday sued the Trump administration over its guidance not allowing foreign students to take online-only courses in the US this fall semester.
More: CNN

Members of Congress were consumed last week with reports that the Russian government was paying bounties to Taliban militants who killed U.S. troops overseas. But they now appear poised to do little — if anything — about it.
More: Politico

While President Donald Trump has continuously railed against voting by mail, a Republican National Committee robocall in April voiced by his daughter-in-law Lara Trump said voting by mail could be done "safely and securely."
More: CNN




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